And BOOM!!!

It all comes out. At some point everything that I have bottled up will come out. I never know how or when, but it will come out. I guess part of it came out tonight, and now I am grounded to my room and Derrick is pissed at me. Well, for him, I am pissed too and have been. I am not a door mat. Tonight it just came out at the wrong person. I yelled at a friend and didn't mean to, he just got caught in the crossfire and got on the wrong end of my temper and my fuse was no existent at that point. Which it hard because I have an incredibly long fuse. But over that last 8 months, it has been slowly dwindling and now it is gone. I am not a nice person right now, to anyone. It sucks and I hate myself. What scares me the most is that I know there is more in there that needs to come out, but I can't let it. I have no safe outlet for it to come out. That feeling is so lonely. I can't really tell Derrick everything that is on my mind, because he doesn't understand. Or he tells me that is my job and to deal with it.

Then he gets pissed when I tell him that I feel like I have to compete with his friends for his attention. Because he thinks it is all about his work. He forgets that we need him here too. I love my family more than anything. I am just tired. I feel like a single parent more often than not and it sucks. That is not at all what I wanted.

Now I can hear my son crying for me and I know that if I go out there we are going to get in another fight. We already had a big one in front of the kids tonight. I have already cried in front of my kids tonight. Not something that I am proud of and not something that I like doing. It sucks. I am pretty sure that he will be sleeping in the guest room or on the couch. He basically told me that he wants nothing to do with me tonight. Hmmm....great. How long is this going to last? That man holds grudges against me forever. Not his friends, but me. I will hear about this for years. Watch. This is going to fucking suck. More than it already does.