Still infected!

Layne still has a ear infection. He is on Zithro, and he sees the ENT Tuesday. My dad has the day off, so he is coming out to get them and bring them to me. Friday was interesting. Super aunt wanted to come to the Dr. with us. I told her I didn't need help and that we were fine. After all I am their mother. She is on my last nerve. Which lately isn't that hard to do. We were home for like 5 minutes and she was here asking questions. NONE OF YOU BUSINESS!

Macie has learned to army crawl. It is so cute. Friday monring Derrick said she got into the diapers and drug them all over their room...hehe! We are supposed to be going to a birthday party, but they are still asleep. We did not get a good nap this morning, and didn't go down until 2:15ish. So I am going to go get them in a minute and take them over there. It will be fun...I hope!

Wounds that run deep leave big ugly scars....

I always thought that once I had kids my resentments towards the fertile would subside. Guess not. I know there is nothing I can do about those that concieve without meaning to, trying, or easily. I know that me resententing them is just hurting me and it is something that I need to work through and work on. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not sure if I can have more kids. IVF or otherwise. Maybe it has to do with me just being mean. Whatever it is, it is something that is eating me. I hate it just as much as I hate the situation. I want to scream, cry, run away, and at the same time I feel so quilty for all of these feelings. I feel like it is somehow my fault that we have shut her out of our life.

Derrick's sister is pg. I might have mentioned that. The one that hates me and is a royal bitch. She is not married, has not been using bc. She doesn't even live with the guy, well yet. She is over 4 months pg and just found out. So this means that she was ku when we were in Wichita in July, and she had 2 margaritas..maybe this is another problem I have. So this is my wonder, how in the fuck do you not realize you are pg? I have never been lucky enough to just get that way...but even if I were, and even with my PCO and screwy cycles, I think I would notice something! She told her mom she has been drinking, but never drunk. So what happens if this baby (a boy) is a special needs kid? Is she going to handle that, or is she going to get even more bitch and hate me more because my kids are not? Because I took care of myself? She didn't even have the guts to call and tell her brother. I told mine. I wish I could be happy for her, and I wish we had a decent relationship. My kids are going to have a cousin that they will never know. That hurts. DH's parents will be forced to choose forever. There will be no family Christmas in Wichita if she is there. I feel like I should have kept my fat mouth shut in July. I should have just stuffed it.

Then I think that my MIL should have said something years ago. Don't baby her and make excuses, that just enables the situation. Which is what has been done, we have all been expected to walk on glass to keep the peace and she can behave however she pleases. I have some deep resentments for a lot of things. If that were me and I was behaving that way, pretty sure my parents would have slaughtered me, even at the age of 28. I would have gotten my ear pulled off and my ass chewed. But I digress. I have issues, I don't know what to do about them. I can write, obviously and that is always good for me. I can't talk to anyone in my family. I talked to my dad, and he gave me the advice I knew was coming, work my 12 steps (he has been sober 18 years) and turn it over to God. I am trying, but am totally stuck on the first step, and I am sure I will be stuck again on the fourth. Always happens. I know if I do it I will feel better and it will help. I just have to do it.

Another ear infection...

This is the third for Layne in a month. I had them check Macie's ears at Urgent Care yesterday and they were good, but now she is kinda tugging at her right. Seriously. I have to take the kids to the pedi on Halloween for their flu shots, and they have an appt to discuss tubes in Layne's ears. I didn't care for the urgent care doc yesterday. In retrospect, I might have taken my chances with the ER. No, take that back, I hate the ER. So, I am not so happy about that. Poor kids inherited their parents shitty ears.

Other than that it is beautiful here, and I am going to transplant some stuff this evening. Derricks aunt is getting an addition, which is shit because she doesn't do anything around here but make more work for Gpa. Whatever. She annoys the hell outta me. But I have some stuff planted where it is going, like the daisies for Gpa Sipps funeral, and I will rip her head off if she destroys them. Derrick is working on cleaning up the huge ass wood pile by the road. It is ugly and we are trying to clean stuff up so it look presentable around here. Other than that it is back to work Monday! ICK

Pics...I know you want em!

My finger is good!
PBBBT on you...
Grandma has the camera...again

We are so cute!

I suck I know!

Going back to work, being a mom, a wife, and trying to run a trucking company is the shits! Not literally, thank God! AHhhh where to start. I went back to work in August, and was fine for awhile, then the middle of September and I had meltdown. I am not handling being a working mom. I am doing better, but it sucks. I think the 2 hours of driving everyday is what kills me. I could be home those two hours with my kids. I like my job, of course there are the traditional fucktards that we have every year, but that passes. I am in the middle of helping to plan Prom...I didn't even help with that shit in high school, so this is a whole new experience for me.

Derrick is great, busy as hell. I feel like I only see him a few times a week. He is the morning parent and I am the night parent, what a way to be huh. Actually it sucks. I hate it. He is so damn busy, and every one wants something from him, he is stretched pretty thin. It makes for us being pretty snappy at each other. It was great during the ear infections and teeth. We could have killed each other. I miss being a family. He is dispatching now, I had a minor fit over the cattle thing and him missing bed time every night.

THe babies are fantastic. We are going through a sleep boycott phase. We want to play at 3 am. Last night I broke down and made them CIO. It wasn't as bad as it has been. But I went in like you are supposed to and they only cried for like 30 minutes. Before after 20 I was picking them up. Macie has two teeth, and I am pretty sure that Layne is going to get some here soon. I could have sworn they were on their way last weekend, but nope. She is being fussy and clingy. I am worried that we are on the verge of another ear infection. THey had one last month, so we went 7 months without one. I want a home otoscope to look before I haul them in.

You never forget that you are IF. I swear. I am scarred for life. In addition to the mess of my ovaries, parts in general. I am still bitter at women who oops get pg. I made a friend mad too. I don't care. Her sister has a baby from an oops. Well she is pg again and not with either dad. The second one was poking holes in condoms so he could trap her. He is fucked up, but b/c is a woman's problem. Call me liberal or whatever, but damnit, just because you have a uterus, does not mean that you should be a mother. Maybe that is conservative. I don't care. She is a good mom, but isn't sure she can handle this all alone. Well sweetie, you should have thought of that before you let him be in charge of bc. I think that makes me a bitch. Oh well, it happens. Kiss it.

I have to go and get shit done, my munchins are in bed. I might just go to bed. I am waiting on my pizza. D had to go to Hays and I made him get me a Lomatos. MMMMMMMMM

Long time....

There has been so much going on here, it is unreal. Hmm where to start. Summer is almost over and that means I have to go back to work. BTW I haven't worked in 9 months. The last Wednesday in November is when I had to stop. Summer was mostly awesome. My youngest SIL was here all summer and she was so much help and fun. We went to CO several times. The babies got to go on their first hike, and to Estes and it was so much fun. They travel like little champs. They have also gotten to ride in the big truck with Daddy a few times. Macie loves to look at the cows and Layne likes to sit on Derrick's lap when we are stopped waiting to get unloaded. We went to Wichita in the truck once...and that is one of the few moments of the summer I could have done without. Have I ever mentioned that My oldest SIL is a bitch. Oh a raging bitch. SHe is selfish and jealous and down right snotty. I cannot stand being around her. Anyway Derrick called her to tell her we were there and Liz drove 45 minutes to get her. She ignored me all fucking day, but wants to hold my kids. THen we go shopping and Em and I were talking about Christmas and she got all huffy. I asked her where she needed to go and she got snotty with me and I snapped back at her. Not a big snap, but enough to let her know I was sick of her shit. Then when we get home the bitch jumps out of the car before we stopped. Dinner was miserable and I finally told Derrick next time I was saying something. He called her and told her what was what and asked her what the deal was, she told him I don't include her. What the fuck ever. I have tried for 5 years and she has been a bitch, not just to me, but to her sisters too. So he decided that we are not going anywhere near her. If she shows up we are all leaving. He told his mom, and Karen finally has gotten it. I love the woman but she has babied Dianne and let it happen. Karen is irrate with her and is going to let her have it. I feel like I have caused a family feud, but hell you can only get kicked in the head so many times.

Hmm...We have done two trial runs at daycare and they did awesome. I am still nervous and stuff about leaving them next week. They see the Dr. on Monday, so I will update then on everything. THey are wonderful, smiling, rolling, lauging...that is the cutest thing. We are starting to teeth I believe. I want that to stop or be over in a hurry. WOW! Poor things. I would rather them do it all together than string it out though. It would figure that as soon as Liz has to go to Wichta and I go back to work this all happens. Fantastic!

Dr. Updates

We went to the pedi today. They are doing awesome! Macie was 13 lbs 8 oz 34 1/2 inches long and Layne is 13 lbs 25 inches long. So they are still shrimps but they are growing. We are going to start rice cereal the add oatmeal in a week, and slowly add fruits and veggies. Really smelly poop here we come! Macie rolled over yesterday too for the first time. SO CUTE! She gets so pissed right before then does it and smiles. Layne has done it, but he head is still out of proportion so he is not quite as agile yet.

I saw the OB too, I am throwing little cysts and no AF...so we are going to do BCP and just start it in two weeks if nothing. I am betting on nothing. Oh after a pg test. Yeah right. If there was a BFP is would be a BF MC in a hurry. We talked about that and there is little chance of me ever carrying again. There is a chance, but I doubt it. SHe said that is a huge part of my PPD. I have to come to terms with it. Infertility is one thing, I can jump through hoops to get pg, but staying pg is a whole new ball game. Now that has been taken away from me. THis is a whole new kind of loss. Sucks, but I know that it would be selfish to try and lose one after another. I won't do that to myself or Derrick. She also said since I had mild accreta it was not such a hot plan, that gets worse everytime and redheads bleed worse. Fun stuff. I am supposed to eat better, go outside and start working out. Things I need to do anyway, but those will help. If I don't feel better call. I guess this is super common with IF women. We get everything we worked so hard for and get PPD, doesn't seem fair does it. I wonder sometimes if it has to do with that. Think about it, we have jacked our bodies up on all sortsa crap and then had the pg hormones. That and we have to go through a process that we never thought could happen to us. When it does it is wonderful, then we get our miracles. Through all of that my DH felt like a sperm donor until they were here. Now he is not sure where he fits, he is adjusting to the role of daddy, hubby, etc. I am having a hard time letting go and letting him flail a bit. SO we bicker and that adds to the PPD. It is a vicious cycle of icko. So I am going to make a huge effort to do what I need to and we need to do a date night every two weeks. We have too, dr. said so. I feel better talking to her, because she has been there. She is IF and can't have any more. She understands and I love that. My nurse does too. Funny of IF women seek each other out for total comfort. I would rather hang out with my computer friends most of the time than my real ones. My real ones just don't get it.

Alas, I am avoiding Plum Bun again, so I am off to write one more paragraph!

Long time no talk, gotta get better about it!

So I suck and have been busy. It seems like I never have time for anything. I just finished a pretty final draft of one paper and am pumped. That is after all why Liz is here all summer. So I am going to work on another one, I need 8 more pages and have more that enough for that. I just have to get my thoughts in order. Right now they are way out.

THe kiddos are getting over the runs/cold thing from the other day. We did a whole day of pedialyte and they seem to be feeling better. Still a little fussy, but no temp or runs. They are eating better again to which makes me happy.

The weather I am done with, I am tired of tornadoes and we haven't had any for a few days.

Our anniversary was Wednesday, and we went to town to eat. Derrick thought he was going to have to bale hay, but not so much. Otherwise we would have gone somewhere else. So we walk into the bar and the chick he screwed while we were split up 7 years ago is sitting there with her husband. I should have made him leave. I didn't say anything and we sat on the other side at a booth. I of course like an idiot sat facing her. He informed me about 10 minutes later that she was there and I said I know. If it would have been my screw up we would have left. I thought I was doing good with accepting it and all that, but guess not. I know it happend and I can't change that. Doesn't stop me from hating the bitch, since she still tried to do shit after we got back together. She tried not long after we were married too. I might make a vodoo doll of her...Anyway they left and she had the nerve to wave. I almost got up and broke her damn hand off. Thing is I like her hubby. He is nice and has no clue to what extent she is a tramp and whores around. Needless to say it put me in a funk. THen of course I start reading too much into everything. He was to tired to FD, so that bothered me, was he thinking about her? He did say she was ugly and he hated her, but was that for my benefit? I know I am stupid for this but that is the way my mind works. Derrick is the only man that has never cheated on me. Yes he can be a huge ass sometimes, but he is faithful and always will be. I know that, but those scars from years past are still there and have warped me. I hate that, but it happens. I have issues and I know it...but I will work on them later

I finally called the Dr. Either I ovulated (yeah right) or I have a big ol cyst happening on my right side. I decided that since they won't let me donate since I live out of state (I might try again and use mom's address) I am going back on BCP. Once again here we are CD 33 and nada. I want to discuss that and maybe the PPD that is creeping up. It makes sense considering the year I have had. Great in someways, but terrible in some too. I better go and get some work done. If I can get what I have read, maybe I can write a little more this afternoon.

Just a rough spot

I know having kids changes everything. But I am not sure why it has changed everything for me and nothing for him. I love him to death don't get me wrong. I feel like an idiot. When I was pg, I bragged about how he wouldn't go into the shop when he got home to have beer or the bar. Now I look like a moron. Every night he goes in still. I feel so stupid. He whines about missing his kids (never me mind you), then has to go and do that before he comes home. He called last night at 7 and both babies were screaming bloody murder and he said he would be there in a bit with a pizza. It was 8:45. That is not a bit, oh and he ate his pizza at the bar. So then I really feel like I am not wanted. The night before we was late, because he got unloaded way late and then on his way home had to stop and have a beer. Seriously. I don't know what to do, or what to say. I know if I say something there will be a huge blow up. He is so stressed out about everything. When he does come home he wants to shower, eat and sleep. I feel like a single parent. I sometimes think I might as well be. Maybe I should have left in August. Maybe then I wouldn't be feeling like this. He is still hung up on some of that shit. To top it off the dude came into the shop last night. Which sets him off. I am at a total loss. I know he loves me and loves his family. I just want him to want to come home when he gets off, and not want to go into the shop. I feel dejected. I feel fat, ugly, and lost. I think maybe I have a little bit of PPD. Which with everything that happened in the last year wouldn't suprise me in the least. This month is hard too. The boys have been gone for almost a year. It still makes me cry like a baby. I am just struggling. So is he, but we are at opposite ends. I don't feel sexy or wanted. Oh to top it all off there is a girl in town that is a friend of his, personally I think she is a skanky bitch. But they have talked a few times and now I am really feeling inadequate. I hate this.

I talked to my dad last night and we are going to have to put my husky dog down. She is almost 17, which is amazing for a husky. But I have had her since I was 11 and she is awesome. Hard headed, but beautiful. I asked for them to wait until I get home. I want to go. He hasn't taken her in yet, but it is coming. Here is a pic of my Winter dog.

Made it through

Time is flying. I made it through last weekend. I did way better than I thought. Friday was rough and I had major meltdown Saturday night. Sunday I did amazing though. I was proud of myself. I had a few teary moments, but not too bad. It honestly think that not being around my family helped so much. It was just Derrick and I and we did nothing...yep nothing. I guess we did load up the babies and take them on their first big truck ride. Semi's have seatbelts in the sleeper! Who knew? It was fun. Then he ended up having to farm. Boring.

My little ones are sleeping so I get to update and got my house picked up. Wow was it a mess. That is the hardest thing for me. I hate messes and they are all over the damn place. This whole truck company thing is making me nuts too. When I could be cleaning up, I am either on the phone, or trying to fix shit. My poor office looks like a tornado came through it. We bought those two Pete's (might have mentioned that already), and we are thinking about a dry van...we rented one and have some dude in Colby setting up runs, which pisses me off cause he is taking 10% and I can do that. Fuel is outrageous...I cried at the fuel bill from last week. Holy Hell!

Then Derrick comes home the other day and tells me that a lady in town has saved us two daycare spots. Okay I wanted my kids there from the start. Last weekend with his stupid aunt not listening to me then getting all sortsa pissed (disgusted with us was what she used) that she left the garage open and the tom cat or my dogs got her kittens, pretending that she knew what my son needed when he was screaming in hunger, and telling my SIL that she could take care of it. Ummm FUCK NO! You do not know my children like that, and you are not their fucking mom, as the matter of fact you are an old spinster lady that thrives on drama. You moved out here to be babied by everyone and we are not going to do it. YOu piss me off showing up and walking in. If I don't answer don't fucking come in. PERIOD. I don't want to see you. If I need you I will call. She is on my last nerve. So I am not sure I want her to watch my kiddos. Anyway....I better get some books done...I have to clean up some piles of stuff.

Tail spins all over....

Let me start with mine. I interviewed for a middle school English and reading job three weeks ago. This job is where I live, so I would drive 16 miles a day instead of 110. I don't feel good about the interview, I think I am too liberal for the district. Actually I know I am. I push the limits of what is acceptable and not. I have shown RENT for four years for goodness sake, and if you have seen it you know why it could get me into trouble. Yes, I cover my ass with permission slips, but still. I also show Schindler's List to my German 2. I always forget the naughty scene, and fast forward just makes it speed up...oops. Did I mention that I am not too fond of middle school kids? They are icky. I love high school. Anyway, I am pretty sure I didn't get it. So I called my admin yesterday to tell him I am not coming back the rest of this year, but plan on me next. He asked if I got the job. Then he told me everything that she said, and she was concerned about me describing my classroom as organized chaos. He told me he didn't think it was, because we were always learning. Even if we were totally off task, which happens alot, we were learning. He did say she was pretty wishy washy when she talked to him, and he was not impressed. I had that feeling too. But to hear him say that is a big thing. So we talked about next year and we are getting rid of speech, no one signed up, most likely someone else is going to teach Drama (YAY!!!) and we need to discuss getting rid of German (YAY) and I would be teaching English. Which is what I have been asking for. Right now he has me teaching 2 German classes, and 4 English. Oh and the English is most likely going to be Juniors. Which means American Lit. Right on. I love this. My mind is already turning...Anyway, that makes my decision hard. I love my job and I love my kids there. But I drive 2 hours a day. They pay well and pay all of our insurance for the whole family. And then the plot thickens. On Tuesday I applied for a job at the CC teaching English. Comp mostly, which is great, but I am not a real big comp person, I am a lit person by nature. I like to write, well I love it, but I have never taught it. Oh and I have a interview in Oakley for HS English. I have lots of thinking to do.



The other tail spin at our house involves both of us. Derrick bit the bullet after hem hawing around for a fricking week and bought the two Peterbuilts from Sam. Sam paid $75,000 for each and we are paying him $100,000 for both. Fuck yeah. So we now own two 2003 flat top Pete's. Beautiful trucks. I know I am a loser. On one we put a Dry van that Derrick rented yesterday. The other we are talking about putting our hopper bottom on, our step deck, and buying a new spread hopper for the freightliner. Well that was the plan, more to come. Derrick is going to drive the White one all summer and by the end of the summer it should be paid for. I asked him, joking, if I could quit my job and work for him full time, and he said it was coming to that. What??? I was kidding. So in the decision to go back, he wants me home to dispatch him and the other drivers. Fantastic. So I am now, mommy, housekeeper, paperwork and books bitch, dispatch, oh and finishing my master's. I have more hats than a damn clown. I did tell him if this is what we were going to do, I wanted Liz (my youngest SIL) here all summer. She has been begging her parents, and I got the yes last night. She is going to work part time in the nursing home in Hoxie and help me. Oh and be my personal chef. So yesterday the plan was for me to run the business and him to drive. I would have three drivers, and shit going all over. Then this morning, I had just given the kids a bath and the guy that drives the freightshaker called and it blew up. Oil was running outta the engine. Turns out it was just the turbo, so like a grand to fix it. We were late to pictures, had fussy kids, but got some good ones. I still haven't heard from the place I interviewed. Three weeks, it is pissing me off.

Company overload

For having help all week, I am ready to be just us again. I love my inlaws, I am just getting tired of having my house in an uproar and everything is a mess. I don't do messes very well. Oh and brainiac Derrick gave his parents our room. Which I am tired of. They could have stayed downstairs with Karen's parents. That was my vote. Instead my whole house is consumed with company. My kitchen is a disaster, my living room and everywhere else. GRRRR....My parents and aunt are going to be here sometime tomorrow.

On the down side, I am pretty sure I am drying up. I keep getting smaller and smaller amounts when I pump. It makes me sad, cause as they are getting bigger they are feeding better. I wanted to be able to do that. I know formula is fine, I was a formula baby. I am also tired of trying every formula out there and tired of having people say soy is the way to go. They are on lactose free formula that is for sensitive tummies. I think switching is too much for them. So instead we are going to go to mostly formula and hope my milk lasts another two weeks.

I better go get burgers made...I might go to bed early tonight.

Busy week...

What a week. Sunday some of Derrick's family came out to see the babies. Which is fine, but the aftermath on Sunday night, all night, was not worth it. I know premies get easily overstimed, and boy is that true. So we are going to limit the number of different people holding them for awhile. And there are few people that get to feed them. It was a long night to say the least. Actually we have had a few of those. Mylicon helps with the gas, but they are still really fussy at times. I feel so bad when they arch and crunch up in a ball and I can't do anything for them. We are supposed to have a family thing tomorrow, and I am not sure I am going to take them down there. I might just stay up here with them and if people want to see them they can come up here and look, but not touch. Derrick's parents and sisters are going to be here all week so that will help out. I can take a nap during the day and really sleep. The kids see the pedi Monday and I have a whole list of questions. Last night was another long night and Derrick was awake for thisone. He has slept through a few of them. I cannot imagine going back to work if they are going to be this fussy all night long. It is going to make for a tired and rather bitchy Mrs. J.



Daddy got out of the hospital last night. He got hit with a pole on Wednesday. They were pulling one that was rotten and it broke and whacked him in the back shoulder head area. He broke some ribs, punctured a lung, and got a laceration. He had his hard hat on which probably saved him and they way the pole smacked him was better than how it could have been. He was pissed about the chest tube they put in for the pneumo and bitched about the breathing thing. I told him he sounded like Gram. She bitched about it too, and we all told her to suck it up and do it. He told me she said he could bitch. Whatever. He is home and doing better. He is still sore, and is on light duty/desk duty for awhile. Which he hates, but tough shit. It could have been so much worse. I thought we were done with hospitals. My family has spent WAY to much time in hospitals for awhile. Between Gram, Grandpa, me, and the babies, now Daddy....we should be done with them.

I better go and get my floors mopped before people get here. My parents, Aunt Schar and cousin are coming next weekend for Easter. I am excited. I love Derrick's family, but I love mine too. They are way fun. I think Mom is bringing a honey baked ham and we are going to have a brunch on Easter since we have to do Church on Saturday night. I love honey baked ham...and Dianne won't be here to bitch about it!

They are here, and I know I suck...

Last I left I was still pregnant and still in Kansas. I went home while Derrick was in Vegas and had to see the Peri...and my sorry ass got landed in the hospital for four days. My cervix was super short, under a cm and I was contracting more than I thought. So needless to say I spent four days in the hospital under a close watch and we messed with my meds. My body hate terb. It makes me crazy. Upon release I had to stay in Colorado with my mom and be on much stricter bedrest. I became great friends with the couch at my mom's house. Derrick came out on the weekends and on Valentines. I saw the OB the Monday after V-day and he thought a week to 10 days. Well...needless to say that is what our plan was, not theirs. Thursday night the 21st, my water broke. It was the strangest feeling...I thought I peed my pants since I had sneezed at the same time, but when I stood up stuff came out. It was gross. It kept coming so I called and headed to Denver. I called Derrick since of course he was in Kansas. He was playing cards and he had Grandpa drive him out. It was a bad night for him before I called, and he freaked out when I called. I got to the hospital at about 11 or so, after Dad went the wrong way down a one way...and they got me all in there and sure as shit my water had broken and actually both bags were broken. By that time I was not comfy but hung in there until 3 am when I got my epidural...seriously that is the way to go. It is what I was most afraid of and it was fairly easy. They thought I was complete at 3:45 and no hubby. He got there at 4:30ish and they had me start pushing at 6...which in retrospect we shouldn't have. I pushed for 2 and a half hours and nothing. So we decided to help me out with some foreceps... In the OR the OB discovered that I wasn't really complete, stupid nurse, and he had to make me complete...ouch. Yes even with an epidural that sucked. Macie Joleen was born at 9:01. She had the cord around her neck twice and her daddy almost passed out on me. He got all cold and sweaty and his hands went tingly. Layne Gerald was born at 9:15 with the help of the vacum and foreceps. Derrick got to cut his cord, kiss me and they went off to the NICU while I got sewn up. They gave me cytotec for something and what I remember from there on out is fuzzy. I reacted to it and got shocky. My HR went way down so did my O2 and I shook. They actually thought I had a bleed, and I did a little one. I remember getting more medicine in my epidural line and getting typed and crossed, I didn't get blood. Then I remember going back into surgery and waking up. Because I wasn't complete my cervix tore and had to be stiched and I had some tears in my vag walls. Needless to say I am stitched from here to there.

Derrick went with the babies to the Level 3 NICU and got my mom. Macie didn't need O2 or anything, but Layne was on a CPAP for about 12 hours. They both had IV's and were in isolete's, or as Daddy called them cages. I didn't get to see them until after 4 on my way up to post partum. They then got moved up to the Graduate NICU or level 2 about 8ish. We couldn't touch them or hold them though...that was so hard. His parents got there about 9 I think and we went down to see them. We did get to hold them the next morning. That evening they started bottle feeding and have kept right on going. They spent two days under bili lights and then came out of the cage on Wednesday after they were born and we got to take them home a week after they were born. We have been home over a week and it is amazing. I love being a mommy. I am pooped but it is totally worth every second. Even when they pee on you.

A very eventful yet shitty day.

I started today knowing that the outcome with Grandpa was going to be crappy, and I was right. He passed quietly about 2:30, which just dawned on me is the same time Gram died. Hmmm. We have known for 10 years that he was failing. The broken hip was the final straw. He is at peace and I know that. Just before Dad called to tell me the Dr. called. Today was my regualr appt, and I thought it went alright. My cervix has shortened to 2.5 from 3.5-4.1cm. Not so good. I have also had a few more contractions. Anyway we get all the way home and I have to go back to be put on the monitor. Fun. My contractions are 8-15 minutes apart, and if they get more than 5-6 an hour I have to call back. THe on call doc will decide then to hospitalize me or what. At this point I am glad to be home and not on a helicopter or in the hospital. I have to see the peri on Tuesday, so Mom is going to take me. Great. I love her, but info in her hands in dangerous. My MIL called frantic, I guess she called out here and Rose gave her what info was available, and it was bad...we are fine. Promise.

On the good side, our stroller came today, a gift from a friend, and a play mat from Derrick's sister. My shower is still on for Saturday...with me in a recliner. Fun huh...then I am off to Mom's. I get to see the dentist and the peri all in one day, how exciting. I am off to lay down. Derrick bought me Guitar Hero today, so I might play. Then I can kick his ass!

Not really sure how to respond to this one....

As I have said before my family is crazy. Sometimes not in a good way. This particular branch of my family (my uncle and his two daughters) are rather selfish, Sara is much better than Kim, but still. Anyway, both of my cousins have kids, Sara has a 3 year old and Kim has a 20 month old and 6 month old twins. Yeah she couldn't figure out the BC thing and obviously got the working ovaries. Anyway...Both of them have husbands that are fairly worthless. Kim's is not quite as worthless, but almost. When we were being tested and going through everything last year, Sara was really pretty sweet about it and fairly supportive. Kim, just acted like I was a mutant and had the plague and she might catch it. Not sure if it was the IF thing or her personal jealousy of things outside of the ability to have babies. Anyway she has been very bitter towards me for reasons unknown, take that back, I know...I am the oldest and always get everything I want and am totally spoiled. Okay first, obviously I don't always get what I want since I certainly did not want to be infertile. Some of the things I get are simply because I work my ass off for them. Like my education, my job, a nice home...it goes on. At some point after my wedding (which she was in) she stopped talking to me, unless it was a holiday and had to. Which sucked because we used to be pretty close. The last two years of her being pg and me not have probably taken a huge toll on our relationship. I am willing to admit that I had a very hard time with that whole thing. For a long time neither one of them were working. I have not clue one how they were doing it, but they were. I am not sure Shane went back to work until they found out about the girls. But again, she was not speaking to me so I don't know. I had a hard time with it...it happens. Actually most of my family has a hard time with the fact that they are both fairly lazy and he doesn't do a good job of taking care of her or the kids. We are fiercly protective like that. The other thing I had a hard time with was the letter she wrote to Gram. The letter was terrible, and blamed everyone, including my Gram, for everything that was wrong in her life. I saw it. Gram and I really didn't have secrets...one of the many benefits of spending so much time with her. I was pissed. That pretty much sealed the deal on ever having a relationship again. But because I am trying to be the bigger person, and my mom threatened me, I am trying. Her kids are adorable. I promise all of this rambling has a point and I am going somewhere. She told my mom awhile ago that she had all of these tips to help me out, and I am sure that she does. I know she really wants to be the expert on something, and she thinks this is it. I am going to let her think that. Like I told my mom and Derrick, this is not my first rodeo being around twins, and it is certainly not my mom's...my big questions are going to go to her. I think she did a fantastic job with the boys, and I was old enough to remember a good part of it. Anyway, I get an email this morning from my cousin. She has not really spoken to me since my wedding, except for a little last Christmas and some at Grams funeral. Here it is...

Hey there Dana,

How's things going for you? Good I hope. I'm sorry you're on bed rest. That has to be the worst thing in the world. I'd give you a call, but the kids are keeping me so busy right now, I'm lucky if I get to shower every other day. Gross I know, but by the time bedtime rolls around for the girls (11 o'clock) I'm so tired I don't care to shower. (It's 11:22 pm right now). I told your mom about a couple books that have been life savers for me. If you want I can get you the titles and authors and what not. I've got all kinds of hints and tips and tricks that have helped me out, I just don't know how much help you want. Let me know.
I do want to let you know a couple important things though. First, you will not get much sleep the first month, it might be hard to keep a temper down, especially when you can't get the kids to stop crying, if you feel that your temper is going to boil over, leave them in their cribs/bassinettes, whatever, leave them safe for a few and go and cool off. Trust me, most of the time you'll be able to handle 12 straight hours of crying (hopefully that won't happen..) but there might be an odd day or two in there that you won't be able to handle ANYTHING. If you can recognize that your day is not going to be a good one, get help, you will so appreciate even an hour of someone watching your kids so you can have a nap. And do for the first month, nap when they do, let the house get dirty, you will need your sleep.
The most important thing though is to cuddle and spend as much time with them the first 6 months as you can, because once they start moving and wanting to be playing on the floor, they tend to be like cats, they want attention when they want it, not when you want to give it. They will grow up fast, the months will fly by with you being so busy. Take lots of pictures and video of them, they do really change every day. Record everything that you can. It will be worth it!!
Anyways, those are the two biggest things I wish someone would have told me!! Parenthood is a cinch, don't let anyone tell you differently, or scare you. Twins are not harder than having one baby, they just take a little more of your time. You will love being a mom. I do!! NOTHING in the whole world is better, or more fun!!
I'll try to write again as soon as I can. Sooner than later.
Love you lots and hope to hear from you soon.

Kim

Now, I totally understand thatt she is trying with me, and I should try back...but I am just not sure I am ready for it. I have taken a pretty good beating over the years for things that are not my fault but end up being seen that way. Most of me was totally shocked that I even got this. Derrick told me to ask her if she had figured out how to work and raise a family, or her husband had. He is totally not a fan...at family stuff it is him that hangs out with my family and is totally part of it, and the other two husbands that are not, or just don't come. Derrick is not always there, but he is there for me when I need him, and if he is not there, it is because he is working, new concept to some. I am not scared of being a mom or being a mom to twins, that is Derrick he is the one that has moments of sheer terror about having two at once. His friends do not help. This is just my vent...I have to try. I do think it would be cool for our babies to know each other, they are not going to be that far apart. I also know that my Gram would want it that way. I guess part of this is that I still have a hard time with people that are super fertile...I always will. I know it is petty, but hey it happens. I just have to stop being bitter at her for being fertile and for the things that she has said about me, but never to me...

Seriously, hospitals should be on time...

Do they not know that waiting for news is awful...20 minutes feels like hours. I slept like crap last night. Partly cause Derrick was snoring and I could hear him from the couch and partly nerves. Grandpa went in at 8 this morning to have his hip fixed. I thought mom would have called by at least 12 my time, I finallly called her at 2. He did alright through the surgery and was awake. They did have a hard time waking him up, but he should be back in his room. He didn't end up in ICU, a possibility I was totally prepared for. They did tell them before surgery that if he starts to crash, he is a no code and under no circumstances is to be put on a vent. That was not an issue. Mom said he is pretty out of it. So now we get through this and keep going. He is a tough old fart and I am hoping that he has plenty of fight left. From the way Mom sounded he does. I will feel better when I see him and know. Talking on the phone is so hard for him considering his respitory status...talking is hard for him period. But she did say that since he was on the liquid morphine he was doing better. He has good days and bad...it happens. I feel better, but still very guarded about it. After my Granddad had surgery to fix his bowels two years ago, he was good for about 3 days. The difference here is that Granddad was tired of being in a chair and not being able to do anything...he was ready and gave up. Grandpa is not ready for that. Until the other day he lived alone, and did a fairly decent job of taking care of himself. I am ready for next weekend to be here and it to be Sunday so I can go home and see him. Of course I am looking forward to my shower, I am just ready to be with my family and stuff too.

More of the wait and see....

I talked to my mom, finally, apperantly she forgot how to answer her cell phone. Anyway, they are going to fix Grandpa's hip in the morning. They are doing a spinal, since if they put him on a vent chances are he will never come off. He doesn't want that, so they are doing the spinal and fixing it. Mom said he is in a pretty good mood and being himself. Which is a good thing. He is flirting with all of the nurses and stuff, so he hasn't lost the fact that he thinks he is God's gift to women. He knows the risks and is well aware of everything. He is mostly concerned about what this is costing him. What he doesn't understand is that he qualified for nursing home care a long time ago, so insurance will cover it. He just remembers having to be private pay for his mom and it costing a fortune. I am having a huge guilty feeling over the fact that I won't be there before he goes into surgery. I won't be there when he wakes up. Kipp is going to go down as soon as he gets up, he is working tonight. All I can do is prepare myself for the worst. Grandpa did tell mom and Schar that he wasn't ready to stop fighting, and that he didn't want them to be in that much pain since they just lost Gram. I was so happy to hear that he isn't ready to stop fighting. Mom and I did talk about the trailer he lived in, which he won't be going back to. I guess they found a bunch of $$$ last night when they went to get some stuff. Cash too...crazy old fart. Mom and Schar are going to sign it over to his cousins or whatever they are...weird is what they are...it is worth like $.50 so they can deal with it. It is going to cost them more to move it than anything. If he makes it through this and out of rehab care he will be in some sort of assisted living or nursing home. I am all for assisted living. That is where we stand on that.

If things go bad, my parents won't be here next weekend. If they are alright they are going to come out on Saturday, have Dad hang my curtains and take me home with them. Derrick is going to Vegas so I am going to their house. After he gets back and I get home we are going to finish the nursery so that everything is ready. The car seats should be here sometime next week. along with the stroller. I should go lay back on the couch, I have been up a little more today so I am tired.

This year sucks too...

I guess last night my grandpa fell and broke his hip. He doesn't have lifeline (the push button thing that they wear when they fall) so he layed on the living room floor all night long. My aunt just happened to check on him this morning, and found him. They took him to the hospital and his temp was 91 rectal, so he got warm fluids and stuff. Anyway the hip is broken, so we are waiting to see. He is maybe the worst surgical canidate ever. He has severe COPD and emphysema from being a 3 pack a day smoker until like 10 years ago. They still hadn't seen the orthopod when I talked to mom. I wish he was in Loveland, at least we know the ortho guys there, since me, my gram, and my uncle have all been put back together by them. We get a family discount. J/K. Oh and that ortho is pretty fricking cute and so is his PA. Either way this looks bad. I might have Derrick take me half way tomorrow and meet my dad. I just have a huge fear that something will happen and I won't have been there. Did I mention that this is two months to the day after Gram died? That just makes it that much worse. I can't count the breakdowns I have had today. I know I am tough, hell you have to be to be infertile, but I am not this tough. I thought that with Gram, and I am still having a hard time with that one. I always thought Grandpa would go first, but now I need him to be here. I can't do two granparents in a little over two months. I thought I was done with funerals. I seriously cannot count the number I have been to in the last few years. This would leave my mom with no parents. Her and my Aunt Schar are his only two daughters, so at least I wouldn't have to deal with some of my family. Pinch me so I wake the hell up. Needless to say, I am not having such a hot day. Derrick is being great...he doesn't deal well with this, so he just has to sit there and let me cry and rant. I promise I am fine, actually my aunt (she is not his daughter) emailed us this morning and let us know. I read the email, and lost it promptly, Derrick came into the office and read it. He went totally silent. I don't think he knows what to say. I also think that whatever he does say I may take wrong. He can't tell me it will be alright and he will be fine, because I know better. Grandpa is 79 years old and at that age in his condition a broken hip is like a death sentence. No matter what this outcome is going to be shitty. When I called I got asked if I was sitting and my other Aunt (she is the only full sister to Mom) said "she damn well better be". Geez. I can't win. I am having a massive amount of guilt for not being there this time, I was there every time Gram was in the hospital or went home shortly after. I was there when Grandad was in the hospital and died. I have always been there, and I will be damned if I am not there this time. I should have spent more time with him. I am just not handling this well. I am sure the pregnancy hormones are totally not helping. I do wonder if my grandparents will bicker in heaven like they did here. I wonder if she will still call him a creep and ask about his pimp car, and if he will still call her a nag and stuff. That makes me smile a little. I guess all I can do is hope like hell that he makes it until I get there and more like until he sees the babies. That is all I wanted when Gram died was for her to meet my kids and I want him to see his only greatgrandbabies. I know it is alot to ask, but I can hope for that miracle can't I?

For not working it was a Monday!

I talked my way into going to the cattle sale today, I can sit with my feet up there just as well as here, so I got to go. So we get there, Derrick gets the cows unloaded, and we see dumbasses pickup. Great. We went to eat at Pizza Hut before the sale and came back. I actually didn't look up at all as we were walking in, and talk about a tense lunch and fairly tense time at the sale. It wasn't as bad as the sale went on, but still not comfortable. I know we are going to run into them at some point, but I don't want to ever. I spent the whole time feeling guilty and ashamed. I hate that...after Saturday night, this was just perfect. We did talk about Saturday yesterday, and I felt better about it and still do, I just wish he would drop off the face of the earth. We then went to see one of Derrick's friends that has terminal cancer. That I was not ready for quite yet. He has a good disposition about it though. Still that made the day even worse for me, oh did I mention the two flat tires on the trailer? Seriously, it was not our day. The wife of his friend makes custom diamond jewelry and tried to sell us a past present future ring, which someday I would love to have. Derrick was talking about a friend of ours that bought his wife a new ring there, her old one was not big enough I guess, and got a really good deal. He looked at mine and said he was cheap, ummm no honey, you were not. I have the most expensive ring of all of our friends except Mitz now. Actually you could add all our friends rings together and they still are not as high as mine. I love my ring. I told him if he ever wanted to do something different in that department to get me a bigger center stone or have her make an anniversary band that would fit on it. I am spoiled. Oh well, and speaking of, I might have to take it off soon. It fits for the most part but is getting harder to get off, and I don't want to have it cut off.

I have to get grades done tonight so they can go on report cards. I hate doing grades. It sucks bunches. Anyway, I am off to do that and start the steaks in the marinade.

Here we go again....

I am tired, yes mostly because I am months pregnant, but for other reasons as well. Derrick went out last night which was fine, but when he got home at 3 or so this morning shit hit the fan again. He accused me of cheating on him, asked me when the last time something happened with dude, to which I said, I don't know whenever the lake thing was...it turned into a disaster. He slept on the couch, and I really didn't sleep. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. He needs to talk to someone cause he is making this up in his mind and I am sick of it. I have not done anything wrong, I am here day in and day out. I help him with the trucking stuff, try to be a good wife, try to be alright when he goes out, the list goes on. Now it is almost 10 on Sunday, he is in bed I think. I am avoiding wherever he is. He smells like a vodka bottle. I have some papers to grade and enter and some outlines to do for my sub. We were supposed to spend the day together and get crib mattresses put stuff in storage and just hang out. I am not sure I want to now. I don't know what I want to do. I have to take care of myself for my babies, so I will. I am emotionally a basketcase and exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. I know that he is not just going to get over it, but come on...I am here 24-7 unless I am at the Dr. This seems to happen every time he gets drunk. I am tired of it. I have not done anything, I am trying my ass off to be a good wife...but somewhere I missed the mark and turned into something else.

Musings from New Years

Tash is pg again...and telling which I wouldn't until I was out of my first tri, she has had two m/c at like 10-12wks. Anyway, the NP that she saw, who claims to have used an RE in Omaha but didn't know she should draw a BETA or P level, did after she called some other guy. Her P is 35 which is fantastic for non medicated. Mine at its highest was 46. Anyway, she said something about seeing the guy in Oakley that is supposed to have experience in OB and IF, and our friend Mitz (who is a nurse but has not clue one when it comes to IF stuff or MC stuff) went off. Tash just looked at me, so I saved her. I had to tell my nurse friend that 35 was a good level and they should watch her close, but there are certain things that can't be helped. She doesn't have low prog. level, her BETA was good, and if it is incompetance most OB's won't put a ceralage in until 14 weeks. I just hope that Tash carries this time. That would be cool. Anyway Tash went and saw the guy and was pretty impressed. I called to see how it went, and I am impressed. They are going to scan her next week to check for HB, see where it is implanted, and take a peek at her cervix. I told her the chances of this being a "love wand" scan are pretty high. She had no idea that was a possibility. They scanned me that way until 10 weeks or so, oh wait, they still do. But he also wants to see her again in two weeks and may give her PIO for a week or so. Billy said he would do it, and she said no. He argued with Derrick did Dana's, and I said he had to learn, so I told her I would do it. She said alright since I know the tricks of the trade to make it hurt a whole lot less. It still hurts mind you, but less. I want to throw her a baby shower and Derrick thought that was a good idea, since she never has had one, not with Beetle and that was 7 years ago. So they really don't have anything. She is also going to get plenty of handme downs.

I can't believe that my shower is in two weeks. I am excited, still feel like I am dreaming most of the time and I am going to wake up at any moment. My parents are coming out to hang curtains, Derrick and I cannot tackle that together when I am not on bedrest. Then I am going home for 5 days while he goes to Vegas. I wanna go! He just realized the other night that this was the first time since we have been married that we have done a big trip, business or otherwise alone. He goes snowmobiling without me sometimes or hangs out in Denver while I go home and see friends sometimes, but as far a big stuff goes we are ALWAYS together. I think this is going to be harder for him than he thinks.

My last appt went well, I passed the GD test, my ffn was negative, and my cervix hasn't changed. I have a nasty cold or am working on one...I have been since Christmas. Derrick kinda has it too. Neither one of us feel to great. He had to go drive today. It is supposed to be nice out this weekend so he can get the pickup fixed and take my car into town to have the estimate done. It still hasn't gotten done since we have been a vehicle short. Alright I am back off to the couch...I need to get motivated and do outlines for next quarter, but don't feel like it.