Wounds that run deep leave big ugly scars....

I always thought that once I had kids my resentments towards the fertile would subside. Guess not. I know there is nothing I can do about those that concieve without meaning to, trying, or easily. I know that me resententing them is just hurting me and it is something that I need to work through and work on. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not sure if I can have more kids. IVF or otherwise. Maybe it has to do with me just being mean. Whatever it is, it is something that is eating me. I hate it just as much as I hate the situation. I want to scream, cry, run away, and at the same time I feel so quilty for all of these feelings. I feel like it is somehow my fault that we have shut her out of our life.

Derrick's sister is pg. I might have mentioned that. The one that hates me and is a royal bitch. She is not married, has not been using bc. She doesn't even live with the guy, well yet. She is over 4 months pg and just found out. So this means that she was ku when we were in Wichita in July, and she had 2 margaritas..maybe this is another problem I have. So this is my wonder, how in the fuck do you not realize you are pg? I have never been lucky enough to just get that way...but even if I were, and even with my PCO and screwy cycles, I think I would notice something! She told her mom she has been drinking, but never drunk. So what happens if this baby (a boy) is a special needs kid? Is she going to handle that, or is she going to get even more bitch and hate me more because my kids are not? Because I took care of myself? She didn't even have the guts to call and tell her brother. I told mine. I wish I could be happy for her, and I wish we had a decent relationship. My kids are going to have a cousin that they will never know. That hurts. DH's parents will be forced to choose forever. There will be no family Christmas in Wichita if she is there. I feel like I should have kept my fat mouth shut in July. I should have just stuffed it.

Then I think that my MIL should have said something years ago. Don't baby her and make excuses, that just enables the situation. Which is what has been done, we have all been expected to walk on glass to keep the peace and she can behave however she pleases. I have some deep resentments for a lot of things. If that were me and I was behaving that way, pretty sure my parents would have slaughtered me, even at the age of 28. I would have gotten my ear pulled off and my ass chewed. But I digress. I have issues, I don't know what to do about them. I can write, obviously and that is always good for me. I can't talk to anyone in my family. I talked to my dad, and he gave me the advice I knew was coming, work my 12 steps (he has been sober 18 years) and turn it over to God. I am trying, but am totally stuck on the first step, and I am sure I will be stuck again on the fourth. Always happens. I know if I do it I will feel better and it will help. I just have to do it.

Another ear infection...

This is the third for Layne in a month. I had them check Macie's ears at Urgent Care yesterday and they were good, but now she is kinda tugging at her right. Seriously. I have to take the kids to the pedi on Halloween for their flu shots, and they have an appt to discuss tubes in Layne's ears. I didn't care for the urgent care doc yesterday. In retrospect, I might have taken my chances with the ER. No, take that back, I hate the ER. So, I am not so happy about that. Poor kids inherited their parents shitty ears.

Other than that it is beautiful here, and I am going to transplant some stuff this evening. Derricks aunt is getting an addition, which is shit because she doesn't do anything around here but make more work for Gpa. Whatever. She annoys the hell outta me. But I have some stuff planted where it is going, like the daisies for Gpa Sipps funeral, and I will rip her head off if she destroys them. Derrick is working on cleaning up the huge ass wood pile by the road. It is ugly and we are trying to clean stuff up so it look presentable around here. Other than that it is back to work Monday! ICK

Pics...I know you want em!

My finger is good!
PBBBT on you...
Grandma has the camera...again

We are so cute!

I suck I know!

Going back to work, being a mom, a wife, and trying to run a trucking company is the shits! Not literally, thank God! AHhhh where to start. I went back to work in August, and was fine for awhile, then the middle of September and I had meltdown. I am not handling being a working mom. I am doing better, but it sucks. I think the 2 hours of driving everyday is what kills me. I could be home those two hours with my kids. I like my job, of course there are the traditional fucktards that we have every year, but that passes. I am in the middle of helping to plan Prom...I didn't even help with that shit in high school, so this is a whole new experience for me.

Derrick is great, busy as hell. I feel like I only see him a few times a week. He is the morning parent and I am the night parent, what a way to be huh. Actually it sucks. I hate it. He is so damn busy, and every one wants something from him, he is stretched pretty thin. It makes for us being pretty snappy at each other. It was great during the ear infections and teeth. We could have killed each other. I miss being a family. He is dispatching now, I had a minor fit over the cattle thing and him missing bed time every night.

THe babies are fantastic. We are going through a sleep boycott phase. We want to play at 3 am. Last night I broke down and made them CIO. It wasn't as bad as it has been. But I went in like you are supposed to and they only cried for like 30 minutes. Before after 20 I was picking them up. Macie has two teeth, and I am pretty sure that Layne is going to get some here soon. I could have sworn they were on their way last weekend, but nope. She is being fussy and clingy. I am worried that we are on the verge of another ear infection. THey had one last month, so we went 7 months without one. I want a home otoscope to look before I haul them in.

You never forget that you are IF. I swear. I am scarred for life. In addition to the mess of my ovaries, parts in general. I am still bitter at women who oops get pg. I made a friend mad too. I don't care. Her sister has a baby from an oops. Well she is pg again and not with either dad. The second one was poking holes in condoms so he could trap her. He is fucked up, but b/c is a woman's problem. Call me liberal or whatever, but damnit, just because you have a uterus, does not mean that you should be a mother. Maybe that is conservative. I don't care. She is a good mom, but isn't sure she can handle this all alone. Well sweetie, you should have thought of that before you let him be in charge of bc. I think that makes me a bitch. Oh well, it happens. Kiss it.

I have to go and get shit done, my munchins are in bed. I might just go to bed. I am waiting on my pizza. D had to go to Hays and I made him get me a Lomatos. MMMMMMMMM