Just a rough spot

I know having kids changes everything. But I am not sure why it has changed everything for me and nothing for him. I love him to death don't get me wrong. I feel like an idiot. When I was pg, I bragged about how he wouldn't go into the shop when he got home to have beer or the bar. Now I look like a moron. Every night he goes in still. I feel so stupid. He whines about missing his kids (never me mind you), then has to go and do that before he comes home. He called last night at 7 and both babies were screaming bloody murder and he said he would be there in a bit with a pizza. It was 8:45. That is not a bit, oh and he ate his pizza at the bar. So then I really feel like I am not wanted. The night before we was late, because he got unloaded way late and then on his way home had to stop and have a beer. Seriously. I don't know what to do, or what to say. I know if I say something there will be a huge blow up. He is so stressed out about everything. When he does come home he wants to shower, eat and sleep. I feel like a single parent. I sometimes think I might as well be. Maybe I should have left in August. Maybe then I wouldn't be feeling like this. He is still hung up on some of that shit. To top it off the dude came into the shop last night. Which sets him off. I am at a total loss. I know he loves me and loves his family. I just want him to want to come home when he gets off, and not want to go into the shop. I feel dejected. I feel fat, ugly, and lost. I think maybe I have a little bit of PPD. Which with everything that happened in the last year wouldn't suprise me in the least. This month is hard too. The boys have been gone for almost a year. It still makes me cry like a baby. I am just struggling. So is he, but we are at opposite ends. I don't feel sexy or wanted. Oh to top it all off there is a girl in town that is a friend of his, personally I think she is a skanky bitch. But they have talked a few times and now I am really feeling inadequate. I hate this.

I talked to my dad last night and we are going to have to put my husky dog down. She is almost 17, which is amazing for a husky. But I have had her since I was 11 and she is awesome. Hard headed, but beautiful. I asked for them to wait until I get home. I want to go. He hasn't taken her in yet, but it is coming. Here is a pic of my Winter dog.

Made it through

Time is flying. I made it through last weekend. I did way better than I thought. Friday was rough and I had major meltdown Saturday night. Sunday I did amazing though. I was proud of myself. I had a few teary moments, but not too bad. It honestly think that not being around my family helped so much. It was just Derrick and I and we did nothing...yep nothing. I guess we did load up the babies and take them on their first big truck ride. Semi's have seatbelts in the sleeper! Who knew? It was fun. Then he ended up having to farm. Boring.

My little ones are sleeping so I get to update and got my house picked up. Wow was it a mess. That is the hardest thing for me. I hate messes and they are all over the damn place. This whole truck company thing is making me nuts too. When I could be cleaning up, I am either on the phone, or trying to fix shit. My poor office looks like a tornado came through it. We bought those two Pete's (might have mentioned that already), and we are thinking about a dry van...we rented one and have some dude in Colby setting up runs, which pisses me off cause he is taking 10% and I can do that. Fuel is outrageous...I cried at the fuel bill from last week. Holy Hell!

Then Derrick comes home the other day and tells me that a lady in town has saved us two daycare spots. Okay I wanted my kids there from the start. Last weekend with his stupid aunt not listening to me then getting all sortsa pissed (disgusted with us was what she used) that she left the garage open and the tom cat or my dogs got her kittens, pretending that she knew what my son needed when he was screaming in hunger, and telling my SIL that she could take care of it. Ummm FUCK NO! You do not know my children like that, and you are not their fucking mom, as the matter of fact you are an old spinster lady that thrives on drama. You moved out here to be babied by everyone and we are not going to do it. YOu piss me off showing up and walking in. If I don't answer don't fucking come in. PERIOD. I don't want to see you. If I need you I will call. She is on my last nerve. So I am not sure I want her to watch my kiddos. Anyway....I better get some books done...I have to clean up some piles of stuff.