Christmas hell

We made it through Christmas relatively unscathed. I say relatively and mean it that way. I about smacked the shit out of Dianne. I have no idea what her deal is, but I am really tired of it. She is just nasty to us, unless we are doing what she wants to do. Sunday was fine because we did everything she wanted. I almost beat my hubby when he let her drive my car, and took the keys promptly when we got to the restaurant. She cannot drive anything relatively sporty, doesn't get the V6 thing. I can't imagine if she was driving the old jeep, we would have propelled through the house. Anyway she basically tells us what we are eating for appetizers, what games we are playing, etc. So that night is fine. Monday we had to run errands, well we went to the Olive Garden for lunch...I almost killed her. She is lactose intolerant, or so she says...when it fits her. She throws a fit about cheese on the salad, orders something with cream sauce, takes all the good stuff outta the salad and pouts. We were talking about the babies with Liz and she got all huffy. Derrick said something about her watching them sometime and she pipes off with "You know that will never happen." Nope bitch. It won't, I wouldn't leave my rat alone with you. Never once did she ask about how things were going, or anything. Whatever that is fine, but don't be a snot when someone else does ask. On the way into Borders to get my SS gift she slams the car door and storms off. I told Derrick I was about to knock her into next week, and he sent me to the other side of the store to make me cool off for a minute. I planted my ass on the floor in the lit section and got a cool book about how nasty Shakespeare is, she rolled her eyes at me when I bought it. We went home to get something and I was holding to door for her since she had her hands full, no thank you, so I snapped a "Your Welcome" at her. Another nasty look came my way. Not tiptoeing anymore. We ran to Target via wheelchair and Hallmark, and I guess Derrick snapped at her in the car while Liz and I were in Hallmark. He told her that she was a snot and if she hated her family so much to go somewhere else, and she had better get used to the idea of me being part of the family because I have been for several years and that is not changing. He also told her if she couldn't be nice we were going to leave her out. Basically she got ignored the rest of the weekend by me. I just don't think I could have been nice anymore. On Christmas the girls (Em and Liz) got cell phones and she stomped outta the living room. Needless to say she basically claimed her mom's phone for 3 years and got a car given to her and has never paid her own insurance. She got snotty again when Karen told me they ordered our carseats for us. I am so done with it. I hope she isn't there for Em's graduation. I don't want to be anywere near her. She won't come out here for Christmas next year unless she can be nice, if she can't I am going to tell her to get the hell out. Enough of my rant.

Other than that there is not a whole lot going on...we are going to hang out here for New Years...not to exciting. Liz is here being my slave...she is so cute...good slave!

Back from the DR.

Everything still looks good. My cervix is still 3 cm and closed. So that is good news. The babies are doing great and are very active. Last night one of them shoved their feet out and I had a hard visible lump until I tickled them and they moved. It was pretty cool. I have to go back the 2nd for my GTT, another FFN, u/s, and appt. I will be so excited when trips to the dr. involve me leaving my pants on! LOL!!! She did say we could FD, as long as we were careful. That makes me so happy. I was getting rather bitchy about it. Maybe I can get my pent up bitchies out before Wichita.

I guess we are going to TGIF on Sunday for supper then playing board games at home. They wanted to go bowling and I kinda got the impression from Dianne that the only reason they weren't was cause I couldn't bowl. I can sit there with my feet up and watch. I just hope it all goes smooth. I am kinda dreading it for more than one reason.

I switched purses this morning and had to clean the new one out, and found last years Christmas card from my Gram...which promptly launched me into tears off and on for the rest of the day. I am not looking forward to the holidays without her, and not in Wichita. I feel guilty for not being with my family. I am a little ticked at Kirk for going to Carolina with the whore instead of staying home. BTW...I hate my brother's girlfriend. If you look on my myspace and click on Kirk then on his click on Coyotelover and check out her pics from Coyote Ugly in Denver. Ummmm WHORE! Other than that there is not a whole lot going on. We are going to stay home tonight and hang out and watch movies. He should be home about 7.

What a morning already!

The phone rings this morning, twice. Once it is a friend needing Derrick to come and drive concrete truck. That is fine since he did all our concrete flatwork for free! THen it rings again and it is one of the drivers. He is broke down, not in our truck but in one of the peterpullers. Derrick gets up, is totally ticked because it is in the road I guess, and starts to head out. He calls back and dumbass is out of fuel. Okay, you went through a place to get fuel like 20 miles ago, do you know what a fuel gage looks like? So we have a tank, but it used to have farm fuel, so it is going to be tinged red. But we have no choice, and Billy is pissed about it. Same guy that was pissed the sand froze in the trailer after Derrick told them to load and get their asses home. They stopped and ate at some buffet and it froze. He didn't even help chip it out, he stood there and told Derrick he didn't know what he was doing and he didn't know how to drive truck. Derrick, Sam, and Ryan chipped out three trailers. THey were not happy. I am kinda suprised that Billy still has his head after that deal. Dude has been driving for 2 years and thinks he is super trucker cause he has a fancy pete. Hey genius, Derrick has been doing this 10 years and yes has run out of fuel, been shut down for being over on hours, etc, but that is when he was fricking 18 and worked for the evil man that ran their asses off. Derrick is pissed. I don't blame him. He almost forgot socks, and stomped out the door. Cady just sat there and looked at him funny. Like, wow, Daddy is mad! He should be. I am a little annoyed, that guy should wear a sign. An "I'm stupid" sign. I might make him one. I know that when Derrick gets to the truck there will be a huge blow up. Ahhh...how fun...that is my morning.

I have had a few more contractions lately. Not a ton, just maybe they are harder. Or maybe I have gas...I got Derrick's cold and am trying to force tons of fluids and get as much rest as possible. My mom was out and cleaned our house, so that is not an issue. It looks awesome. I guess we are leaving for Wichita Sunday, and having a sister night. Which can I say I am totally dreading. Dianne better be nice or I will give her a piece of my pg mind. It just happens these days! Off to eat...I am hungry!

Read at your own risk...not having a good day.

I am not handling this bedrest thing well at all today. Derrick was home all day, and I should have been fine, but I am not. As soon as he left I had a major meltdown. Of course he lets the wet dogs in, and just leaves. I have to get them out, and when I called for help he freaks. I am very insecure right now about everything and he doesn't get that. He doesn't get anything. He can come and go as he pleases and I am stuck to the damn couch. I wonder if there is such a thing as antepartum depression. If there is I have it. I spent 45 minutes sobbing for no real reason. I have all of these fears, and I know they are totally irrational and stupid, but in my head they are very real. There is FD happening in this house, not because I don't want to but because we can't. It could cause more contractions. Great, so now I have a major fear that he will find someone else. I know how stupid it is, but it has happened to me before. Not with him, and I know I should not let my past bad relationships ruin this one. But the bottom line is once you have been burned it haunts you. I feel like an outsider in my own world. I have few friends that actually call or come to see me. Okay, I have two. Kimmy and Dez. They are the only ones that call or come over, well, Kimmy doesn't cause she lives 4 hours away. Other friends called when they found out and promised to come see me or call, and nada. If that is being a friend then I don't need it. So it is me and the cat for the most part. There is no one else around when Derrick is working, and when he works from home he is on the phone all the time. I just want to not feel so useless, worthless, guilty, etc. You name it and if it is negative I feel it. I know part of this is still me reeling from Gram. Oh and btw, my calf died. It was unnecessary and if we would have just left her on hay and her bucket she would be fine. But nope, we had to put her on the cow with mastitis and bad milk, oh and now she is gone. I am pretty pissed since I worked so hard to save her. She was mine. I am not supposed to be bitter about anything. Derrick just doesn't get it, all he ever says is "aren't you happy to be pg?" Well of course dumb fuck. But, there are other things that don't make me happy. I love what I do for a living, yes days off are nice, but 14 weeks with no babies and nothing to do but sit with my thumb up my ass, not fun. I miss my Gram. I feel like I am at the bottom of his list. I have gotten lower and lower the more pg I get. He has to get his fun outta his system before they are here. Great, I will just lay here and mope. That is all I am good for. I can't even write a productive paper. This is fine, but once I start something academic I get block. It sucks. This is rambling and I am totally aware of that. I don't care. I am tired of feeling like the ugly, fat, blob. That is what I feel like and there is nothing I can do about it. They tell you to get dressed and do your hair, but what in the hell is the point if I am just going to lay on the couch. At least tomorrow I get to go to the Dr. The highlight of me week. I got to ride along when we went to get the steer we had butchered, and I asked to go to the yummy Mexican place, but nope, he had to get home to go play cards. Fuck cards, fuck darts, fuck his buddies. I am sick of it. I am sick of being alone.

Back from CO

You would think I would be better about updating since all I have is free time, but nope. I am actually working on research for my AA lit paper. I am almost done and ready to start writing. That makes me happy. I am ready to get them all done before the babies are here.

We saw the perinatologist Monday in Denver. He is super nice and really there was no wishy washy bullshit, which I appreciate. After IF and having Dr.s and others tell you it could happen you know, when you know damn good and well it won't, I can't handle lots of bullshit. I want is straight, don't blow sunshine up my ass, tell me like it is, I am a big girl and can handle it, trust me, I am infertile, I can handle anything. Anyway, they looked at the babies, and they look amazing and are measuring big at 1 lbs 12 oz each. Thank you for the big baby gene Ma. Both have all their organs and everything looks fantastic they said. My cervix is still over 3 cm, which is good too. I have to have this rather uncomfy swab every two weeks now. It is fetal fibronectin and it is a very accurate indicator of labor if it is positive. It wasn't. It was like a pap smear with no speculum. Not comfy, and Derrick didn't care for that. Maybe it is good that these are section babies. He is not so good with me being in pain. He did say the chances of me going past 36 weeks are slim, less than 20%. Most twins go between 35-36. That means we deliver in Denver at PSL, which is fine with me. I am way more comfortable with that option at this point. They have an amazing NICU if we would need it. He did say that if he has to he will send the helicopter to get me. Ummm...I can do without that. As soon as the FFN is pos, I get to go to Mom's and stay. Derrick will call Tim and have him ready to fly as soon as I call. That means we will hit the hospital within a short time of each other.

The baby shower was awesome, I am not sure I am used to the attention being on me yet. It all feels surreal still. Derrick and I are going to go through stuff tonight, he wants to check it all out, and put the swing together. Then it has to stay in the babies room so our cat stays off it. The weather was crappy all weekend which made for an interesting drive out there and home. It was worse on the way out. Home wasn't so bad until about 45 miles from the house, then it got a little slick.

My mom is coming out this weekend to clean my house, YAY, make some stuff to put in the freezer, and keep me company. I want to get a dresser here by then so she can put baby clothes away...I have a ton. Derrick needs to get on a laundry mission. I am excited to have her here for a few days. So is Derrick, that means real food that he doesn't have to make. My mom is an amazing cook, it was inherited. Now we just need to get Walky out to finish the tile and we will be on a roll. I cannot wait for it all to get done and I will feel so much better.

Bummed and on bed rest

Bedrest is going to be the word for the rest of my pregnancy. I know it is for the best, I am just feeling guilty, sad, useless. I don't know. I feel like I should have been able to do this right, at least this. We did decide that we are not doing this again. Other than that, Derrick has been trying to be supportive and helpful around the house. Which is good, cause I have a hard time laying there and not doing anything. I feel guilty. My cervix hasn't changed and the contractions are only like 1 or 2 every hour or so. I even tried to weasel my way into working for the rest of December and that didn't work. I see the peri in Denver on Monday. Then I think my mom is coming out next weekend to clean for me and hang curtains and stuff. She also has the crib mattresses and we can get their mattresses put in and their nursery stuff up. I don't have a whole lot to say, I am pretty bummed.

Funny feelings of babies in my chest!

So pretty sure that either I have some serious gas...which is true actually, or I am having braxton hicks. I don't care for it no matter what the hell it is. My son, of course, is clear up in my right side pushing on my lungs. That was not comfy. He has since moved down and is not trying to suffocate me. I think his sister was trying to turn or something and forced him up there, or he just thought it was a good place to be. They are moving lots and I love that. It is really cool to just lay there and feel them. I love being pregnant, and I am not complaining about it. I am aware that my hips are going to hurt, so is my back, and there are going to be wierd things. I could do without the constipation, yes I still have it, and the gas. I talked to my mom, cause I was starting to really wonder what in the hell was happening. I don't think they are contractions, cause my whole tummy isn't hard, just up high or where one of them is pushing out hard. They don't hurt they just are uncomfortable. I don't want to call my OB but am going to in the morning. Mom and Derrick want me to call just to make sure. If she says no bus Saturday, I have not clue one what we are going to do about one acts. I am pretty nervous about it. Not that I want to spend four hours each way on the bus, but still this is kinda my thing. My kids have worked really hard at this so I want it to be good. I am off to lay back on the couch and watch a movie or fall asleep. I should have the paperwork covered here for the next few days, it is my desk at school that is a disaster.

Home to begin my second job...

I really should ask to be paid for this. But because I am his wife I won't. The trucks are rolling. YAY! That is one huge headache gone. I have drivers coming to fill out paperwork. Maybe I should have gotten something other than an English degree. Something like accounting or business. I really have little clue what I am doing, and the only thing saving my ass is the fact that I am neurotic about being organized. So that helps. Needless to say I am pooped.

You would think that after 5 days off I would be recovered, but nope. I spent my time off cleaning and sorting. It really felt good. I threw away two huge boxes of crap from the office, and have several more in the closet to go through. I didn't get bathrooms or floors done, but I got the office all set up and organized and we got cribs up. For the most part things are coming together. Friday I got all decorated for Christmas, which just makes me happy.

In the process of cleaning things out I have done some pretty good therapy. I just need to keep going through stuff and getting rid of things that we don't need or use. Off to make dinner!

For only working four days in the last two weeks, I am tired. I know why, I have had a hard time sleeping since last Saturday. It is totally understandable. I am trying to heal, but am in the anger/disbelief stage. I am mad because this was avoidable. She could have eaten. She could have tried. Then the other part of me is sure I am going to wake up and this is all going to be a nightmare. I know it isn't, but still. Thursday went as well as it could. I felt bad for my two cousins, as their husbands were not there. That would have bothered my Gram. It was hard. The whole damn thing. I sorta feel some closure, but not much. This is going to be a hard one for me to process.

I am on a cleaning mission. I am cleaning everything, and sorting. Derrick thinks I have lost it. Right now my house is in shambles, but it is because I am going through stuff. I am going to get the office/guest room all set up this weekend. I inherited a bookshelf that is really nice from my mom, so I have big plans for it. There are things in there that can go to the crawl space and they are going. I can now get rid of the ugly shelves in there and make it look nice. It will actually be a nice place for Derrick and I to get stuff done. I can't write in a mess. I am also getting the nursery set up and cleaned. Not that it is dirty, but there is stuff in the closet in there too that goes to storage. We did not think about storage when we built this house. Our hole to the crawl space is half covered by the duct work. That means none of my holiday decorations boxes will fit down there. I cleaned the kitchen and did all the cabinets yesterday, and plan on getting as much laundry as possible done tonight and some stuff filed. I have a date with the label maker this weekend.

No one is coming for Thanksgiving. I am annoyed by this, cause I was super excited. Now I have super big messes, so Iget to clean them up. Yay me! I have a shower from the work girls tomorrow. So we will see how that goes. I am off to file and clean up some stuff!

She's Gone...

and I feel lost. Kirk and I ran out to get some takeout chinese from my favorite place ever...it is still in the fridge. We had been home like 2 minutes and I hear the phone ring and crashing. Up the stairs we ran, literally, and my aunt was on the phone. Mom totally lost it. Kirk stayed home, after his year in Iraq he couldn't go. Mom, Dad, and I went up. Took like 15 minutes to get there, Dad sped a little I think. As I am sitting in the hall in her wheelchair sobbing, like 5 CNA's asked if I was alright and if there was anything they could do, yeah bring my gram back. My Dad came and got me and I went in with my Mom and my Aunts. She looked so peaceful...I guess that she stopped talking altogether about 11:30 and she went at about 2:30. We got everything all cleaned out and her clothes donated. Then waited for the funeral home. Funny, the funeral guy is a guy my parents know from way back. Mom, Dad, and my aunt went to see my Gramps. He on the other hand looked awesome today. He didn't have trouble talking, breathing or anything. He was amazing with Mom and Schar. Then he made fun of me, of course, but I am a spoiled brat by him. He told us all we had babies coming out our ears...I said I hope that is not where they come out of! I told him the Broncos won and he was happy, and told me to make fun of Derrick. He is the reason we have season tickets. I am going to have Derrick look at the ceiling later this week when he is here. Most of my family went to my Aunt's for dinner. Her inlaws are there and they made supper for us. It was nice, and you could tell how tired we all were. I guess Gram wants her ashes spread in Estes Park, and we are going to all go to the Blue Parrot in Louisville for dinner. It is going to be a private service with just family. I am not sure when, but soon. Derrick was really good. He texted me about the game, then I shot him one saying she was gone, and he called. He told me he loved me and asked if there was anything he could do. He also said her Broncos won one for her, and just the way she liked it. He is right. I think I am going to go home today and work tomorrow. We made state football, so I have stuff to do and take care of. I don't know that I will be going, I might have to find someone to take them. I think I am going to. I just want to not have to deal with that right now. I am going to go lay down some more. We all went to bed early, like 7:45 but considering we were up all night pretty much, not suprising. I am wiped, but was hungry so I had to get up and eat. I still promise I am taking care of myself. She would want that. She did after all get her wish and get a set of twins with each. She would have had a set of each. If Ash has twins, which hits the first born girl in every family so far and she is another first, Gramps with have three sets too! So I promise I am taking care of myself. My aunts even told me to sit all day yesterday and not get all worked up. Guess everyone has to have someone to boss and I got nominated!

THis is going to be a shitty week, and a shitty holiday season...

The nursing home called last night at 11:15 and told us Gram had collapsed and her O2 sats were 40 when they got her up to the potty, and took like 10 minutes to get up to 81. They told Mom that she was mottled, and death was imminent. So Dad woke me up and I threw on pants, and sweatshirt and mom's garden flip flops. We got there and couldn't get ahold of my aunt Patti, so Daddy had to go get her. Dad said she lost it when he got there, thank God for my Dad. He is being so wonderful through all of this. Gram of course knew something was up when all of her kids show up in tears and we all look like hell. I was the only grandkid there, which was fine. I sat there on the edge of her bed and did everything I could not to break down and sob. I did pretty good. I don't want her to see me cry. I am afraid that she won't let go and know that we are all okay if that happens. She kept touching my tummy and telling me she loved me. I told her how much I loved her and that it was alright to let go. SHe sorta fell asleep and I had to go. Mom forced me to go home about 1:45...Daddy had to bring me. She will fall asleep for a few minutes and wake up and want to go to the bathroom or something. She lost control of her bowels for the most part. Her radial pulse is impossible to find. I am scared she is afraid and all of the sudden wants to do anything she can to stay with us. SHe doesn't understand that not eating caused all of this, which make it that much harder for us. My cousin was there yesterday and that was alright. She is better than her older sister. I guess she asked mom and my aunts why Gram just couldn't wait until March when the babies are here. She got really upset about it. I have been asking that for months. This is not fair and it hurts like hell. I called at 7 and she was still doing the same awake, kinda sleep thing. I fell back asleep and now I am awake. My poor honey is in KC and is only staying cause I told him too. He really wants to fly out after the game tonight. I might have him. Of course I didn't have my head on Friday and have no sub plans and none of my rec letters done. I can do them here and email them. I am going to try to go home tonight and go to work for at least the am tomorrow. That way I can get the rest of the week planned. My brother was mad we didn't call him right away. He is really having a hard time, after the year in Iraq and everything he is not handling this. He told us he just doesn't have the tools and he is tired of dealing with death. Me too. I am going to go get dressed, hit starbucks and call Derrick. I really wish the babies would move big enough so Gram could feel them....

No matter what we are going to lose this battle...

This is going to be a shitty few weeks, followed by a shitty birthday. I know that I need to take care of me, and I promise I am. Scouts honor. I got home last night and we headed to Longmont. Mom told me that Gram looked bad, and I understand what bad means with cancer patients. She was right, she looks awful. SHe woke up and talked to me. Mom and I changed her sheets and her nightie cause she spilled her water. Of course she argued, and I told her tough cookies you are not laying here wet. When we rolled her to me she patted my tummy and talked to it. I almost cried. I can't do that in front of her though. I am the tough one. Always have been. She doesn't have pneumonia, but her O2 sats suck. She is on 4L and they can barely keep her at 90%. So in the world of medicine, that I probably should have entered after my mom, that means bad things. Mom and I both know that the end is closer than anyone will believe. I am going to see how the weekend progresses and if I have to stay I will, or run home get Derrick and some things I will. Like I have already said getting me to leave will be a chore. Pretty sure that before Thanksgiving we are going to have to say goodbye. She just doesn't have much fight left. She weighs 99 lbs and was 139 when she got diagnosed in June. She has the bruises everywhere, no hair, and is totally emaciated. I hate this. I did really good last night, all the way through dinner and until I went to bed. Then I lost it. Mom is not coping well right now and she doesn't need to see me totally lose it. I have to be strong for her and Gram. The rest of my family can kiss it. THey are dramatic enough for the whole world. I talked to Derrick after I was done crying, and somehow started crying again. He told me he would do anything we needed right now. I told him to go and have fun, but check in and keep his phone where he could hear it. Just in case. If he has too he can have his friend fly him into Loveland and I can go get him. I know that this first birthday that we don't get to celebrate together is going to be rough. Yes it is 6 months away, but has always been ours. So I just don't plan on having anymore.

I am going up there this morning, then Mom and I are going to get a gift for Heida, and register me at target. Later we are going back then to Ft. Collins to look at my cribs. I will be at the nursing home most of the day tomorrow and I am going to see my Grandps. I always thought he would be first. He has been so sick for so long. But he keeps fighting. Moral of the story is smoking is bad. I am going to lose two grandparents to smoking. One to lung cancer and one to emphysema and COPD. I hate that...

The boys are gone and we are pooped!

I wasn't here Thursday thank goodness. Apperantly Derrick and the boys hit their beds about 5 am. Idiots. They were hurting units Friday. All I could do was laugh at them. I reminded them that we are not 19 any more and that shit hurts way worse these days. Needless to say Derrick is still recovering from Thursday. They hunted all day Saturday and got like 6 birds. Which is fine with me, I don't clean pheasant it stinks. They went out this morning too and I didn't ask what they got. Then they came home and shot blue rock off the deck. Man do I live in hickville or what. It was rather loud for a bit, and my poor kitty hid under the bed for quite awhile. Now I have gotten things picked up and laundry done for the most part. I have no desire to mop the rest of the floors. I hate that chore. On the up side the nursery is pretty well clean. I am going to wait to deflate the airbed until after Thanksgiving so the girls can sleep in there.

I get to go home next weekend for my friends baby shower. I am excited. I don't think I have been alright at a baby shower in years. This will be a new experience. I was okay at Kimmy's, but I was hosting it and she is my best friend, so that worked. I am also going to see my Gram. I guess the cleaned out her apartment yesterday and today. Mom called to see what I wanted. Silly, but I want her pot that she makes baked beans in. I know it is wierd, but that is what I want. Kirk said that one of our cousins walked in and started bawling, carrying on and generally being stupid. Not suprised, but seriously, Gram is not gone. There is no reason for that, other than the fact that making a scene gets her all of the attention which is a huge deal for her and his sister. Nevermind the fact that her sister wrote my Gram a nasty letter about me, they boys, and Ash all being favorites and them never getting the same treatment. This letter really singled me and Ash out. Whatever, I know that Gram is anal about making sure that we are all treated the same especially gift wise. I may have gotten to spend more time with her and do more stuff, but that is cause my parents take her places with us. The hunters were outside last night and Derrick asked how it went, and I told him the whole thing. He just can't understand why my family has to make everything so dramatic and blow it all outta proportion. Neither can I. I went off when I was talking to my brother and he told me to tell my cousins what I said. I would, but you know they won't listen and won't get it. This is not one of the molehill crisises that they create in their mind, this is serious. It is not the time or the place for behaving like morons. I know this sucks and I know it is hard. I also know that no amount of attention seeking is going to keep her here. Mom said today was a bad day. I really thought Dr. P laying it on the line would help, but guess not. Derrick is doing a great job at being supportive for me and hanging in there. It will be our third go round with losing a grandparent since we have been married. Our second this year if she goes before New Year's. I had a dream last night about her funeral, but the babies were in it and they were like 9 months old.

Speaking of babies, I have a scan Wednesday. So we will know more positively what they are and Derrick gets to go. He may get seen for his knee too. I am pretty sure he tore the meniscus on his right knee. I have torn them before and everything he is describing is just what it sounds like, complete with clicking and all. I want him to have it scanned then we can see the Orthopod and discuss options. We will see!

Information overload!!!

We left at 6 this morning for Garden, it stinks down there. The KCC meeting was long and had a TON of info. It clarified some things for me and Derrick. Thank God. Our stuff from the lawyer got here today too. That means Derrick signs his life away and I am overnighting stuff tomorrow. I am hoping that we can be up and going in a few weeks. Right now I am waiting for this fancy printer thing to do its thing and I can get it loaded on the computer. I also have to do some filing, but am avoiding that like that plague.

I am pooped out! Target was an adventure with Derrick. I did get him to look at some baby stuff. We picked a bouncy thing, swings, and high chairs. I think we are going to wait on the high chairs, we need the other stuff first. Basically he had to play with each thing and see. He likes everything that I wanted so it is working out well. I am going to register online this week. I think the girls that I work with want to do my shower right before Thanksgiving. Since most of us are winter coaches, we have NO time once Basketball, swimming (I wish I coached that), and stuff start. It will be a ton of fun. Then Dec. 8th is the one in Colorado. The one here I have not a clue on. I would like to wait till Jan 12th or so. That way we can spread them out a bit. Oh and get the stuff from the first two put away and organized before the third. I have two piles in their room. One is stuff for the crawl space, and the other is storage stuff. There is still stuff in the closet that has to stay until tile gets laid. It better be soon. I am tired of construction stuff hanging around.

DB closed on his house today. They just have to move the other dude out and he is gone! I cannot wait! K the printer is done so I am going to finish and try to clean up the huge ass mess I made!

Just when you think it is safe to get outta bed....

Just when I think things are settling down and life maybe normal...I get smacked in the face. Derrick and I are fine, actually other than the meltdown on both sides last weekend we are really good. But those have to be expected from time to time.

Thing one....That is all I can call it. After conferences, all fucking day, on Friday my mom calls. Usually this is not such a big deal. She asks when I am planning on coming home next. That is an odd question. Well apperantly my Gram has decided that she is tired of life. Fabulous. I asked if I needed to come now. Mom said no and they were going to talk to her about Hospice or Pallative care. Great. Should I bash my head against the wall now or wait? My vote is now. So they chatted Saturday afternoon and Gram said she would think about it. What gets me is earlier this week she had all of this stuff to ask her oncologist. She wanted to know if she behaved if she could go home and live a sorta normal life. Her tastes are starting to come back, but since she hasn't eaten is so long her tummy is the size of a pea. That and the malnutrition has made her a little demented. Just at times. I told mom that no matter what I want to talk to her today. I don't care. I will be pissed if I don't get to. On the way home Friday I cried of course. I have this sinking feeling that we are going to have to do this whole thing before Christmas. Definitly before the babies are here. I am tough, but I really don't think I am that tough. I used to think so. Right now I am not. I know many things. One, if and when it comes to that getting me outta the hospital probably won't be possible. I don't plan on not being there. I am stubborn enough that my family won't get me to leave. I don't care who else is there, I am just not leaving. Two, this is going to be a disaster. My family is nuts. I mean everything is a competition, literally. Who gets married first, has babies first, graduates first, has the biggest this, does this or does that. Not little, but huge blown outta proportion stuff. It is actually pretty nuts. If there is not a crisis they can create on in a heartbeat. The largest problem is that my two cousins and their dad think the world should be handed to them on a silver platter. So I can pretty much assume that those two will blow everything way out of proportion. And no one's grief will be worse than theirs. This is what I have to say to that. Then be there now. You live right there, show up once or twice a week and be there. Don't just stop to say hi, spend some time. I am so glad that through this whole thing I have gotten quite a bit on Dana and Gram time. Hours of it actually. I am thankful for that. There is nothing more that I would like to do than go there and sit and talk to her. I have gotten to do that quite a bit throughout my life and I am so glad. Anyway, it will be major drama, and I can't handle that. I am not sure I can keep my mouth shut. I will try. I am hoping that when I go home in two weeks that her and I can have some time to chat. I have some things to tell her.

Thing 2....Douchebag is back. He bought a house, they just have to wait for the guy to get out of it. He has also bought two 379 flat top Pete's. Wen...btw totally a Pete driver thing. It is nuts. They are nice don't get me wrong, but really that much for something right of the bat....whatever it is not my money. He actually told Derrick that he doesn't care if I help Derrick, but he isn't going to let me tell him what to do. Fine, I will tell Derrick and when you don't get your shit to me, it fucks you.

Thing 3...both Derrick and I are stressed about getting this corp up and running. I talked to the lawyer and paperwork should be here soon. We have to go to some KCC safety class in the morning. But it is in Garden and there is an Applebee's and Target there. Totally pumped for that. Not happy that we have to leave at 6 am. GRRRR. I will be even grumpier if DB comes with. I want to do some baby stuff and he doesn't need to be part of that so he can go and run his mouth all over town. Oh wait his stupid ass sister does that.

Very proud of myself the bitch that hit on Derrick was working last night when we went out to dinner. I didn't yell at her or say anything. If she said something to me I was short and bitchy about it. We had fun and were home by 8:45. Watched a little of the Rockies get spanked again.

Today has been slightly productive. I have things organized to go into storage from the nursery. That way the room will be empty for the hunters next weekend and when we have relatives over thanksgiving. I got my hair cut yesterday and managed to keep most of it considering the stress. Last year after finding out how infertile I was I chopped off like 4 inches. I am proud of myself. Alright I am gonna do some other stuff.

Random musings on my day off!

Less freaking out about old shit and more freaking out about the company. So far we have the LLC set up. We are in the process of getting the rest of the paperwork done, which meant I got to talk Derrick out of the trees at 1:30 this morning. He has a hard time asking for help, and he finally did so I am glad. We have stuff to do this afternoon since I am off. Well he is cutting the last of the milo. It was shitty here yesterday so nothing got done. I am going to update then be on the phone the rest of the day. Fun for me.

We talked a little more about the other shit. He finally got it through his head that I am very bothered by some stuff too. More so now and I am actually going to let someone have it. It does take quite a bit to really piss me off, but when that happens watch out. I guess when I was in CO a few weeks ago his cousin's SIL hit on him. He of course didn't see it that way at the time, bu looking back that is what it was. He told her he was happily married and she said okay. But the rest of the story goes like this, this chic and him, B and S came back here to play playstation and drink some more beer after the bar closed (it closes at midnight in podunk). Well she decided that she was too drunk to go home, and we all know better than to drive in or out of Colby if you have been drinking. It is like asking for a DUI. So she slept on the couch. Derrick made her leave at like 7. He didn't like her being there and it made him nervous. I knew she stayed, and thinking that she was L's SIL it was alright. Come to find out from T this weekend this girl has hit on B numerous times. Derrick still said nothing as Tash was telling me all of this. Then Tash went to confront this chic and she ran out the back door of the bar. Chicken shit I tell you. On the way home Derrick tells me what this girl is really like. She hit on him, well he wasn't sure, so I asked his idea of hitting on or mine. He said if it was mine she came on a little strong. Okay, no you do not get to do that in my world without getting my foot up your ass. Then I asked if she came into our room or anything. He said no, and he didn't sleep very well. The whole thing made him uncomfortable. I was pissed. One he didn't tell me until a few days ago, and two you do not mess with my man. PERIOD! Derrick then found out from his cousin how bad she was, she sleeps around a lot, doesn't care if they are married or not, dropped out of school...the list goes on. So if she is in the bar this weekend, I plan on dressing her down. Which of course makes Derrick nervous, he knows that I can be fairly nasty. He also knows that I have gotten more short tempered being pg. It will be fun. Tash will be there and it will rock.

On another note they still won't do anymore testing on her to see what is causing the 11 and 12 week m/c. This last one was her second pretty late one. Her doc said they won't test till after 3. Ummmm...no that is not cool. He is a prick and I think a quack. I don't like him at all and I have worked with him so I saw that side and I didn't care for it. They want to put her on prometrium as soon as she finds out she is pg. Well, here is the deal, that is not going to help too much if it is chromosomal, or IC, or a uterine abnormality. I am ticked for her and she comes to me since I have that shit down. I guess the more you have been through with IF the more you know, and I certainly know more than this Dr. of hers. Derrick actually told them that if it came down to it we had a fantastic RE. That made her husband freak a little. I have a rare hubby in the fact that he was willing to do anything to make it work for us to have babies of our own. There are some out there. The more infertile their wives or they are the less they care about how it happens, they just want it to happen.

We do have another friend pg. This is her 3rd oops. I love her, but she said she was ticked about it. I don't get that. They are not telling, and I am going to caution her from saying much at all in front of T for awhile. T is really struggling and I am worried about her. I have been in the I am never going to get pg mode and it sucks, so I am worried.

Okay, I am going to do my office work! Fun for me!

Everytime I think I get a handle on my life I get a fucking curve ball. After all the shit that happened in August I really thought we were working through it and doing well. We are except for last night. Apperantly Derrick is still obsessed with the whole thing. So he blows another gasket last night, and I just can't handle this shit. He doesn't seem to understand that I think about the things he did too and they haunt me too. It is all about him, oh and what he feel and what he wants. I should know this after all these years. It has been this way forever. So last night I go to bed sobbing, and of course sleep like shit. He comes in about 4:30ish and can't sleep because he is pissed. He is really pissed that the former friend is trying to take some of his hay customers. I would be too, but I had nothing to do with that. I think he finally fell asleep. I did about 5:30 and woke up at 7:30 when the alarm went off. I was afraid to roll over wrong and accidentaly touch him. He was in one of those moods. So he gets up this morning and is still annoyed, but as I am laying in bed with tears again, sorry hormonal pregnant lady here, he lays down with my hugs me and tells me he loves me. Then asks if I know that. Yes I know that or I would have left long ago. The man has no idea what I have given up for him or what dreams I have changed in order to fit him into my life. He still doesn't understand that I do not fit in very well here. Yes people like me, but it is not the same. It is not like I can run over to Kimmy's and cry on her shoulder. She is 300 miles away from me. He doesn't understand that. I have no family here and no one that really understands me. He got all concerned the other day about myspace and me leaving him for someone on there. UMMM no. On his way out the door he tells me that they are going to cut OUR, yes he said OUR milo this afternoon and I should come be part of it. Fine I will go down. What I am going to do I have no idea. I can't drive a grain cart, combine or the big truck. The other truck I can handle. Oh but we don't use that. So I am going to clean house. Maybe write him a letter. Sometimes that is the best way for me to get through to him. Next weekend after I get my hair cut I might go to Colorado. Which I am sure will set him off. He still has this thing with my dad. Stupid since his friends have disrespected him and me so many times and they always get forgiven. But that is another story. Alright I am going to go and get some stuff done around here. It is not a huge mess, but needs some attention.

Ding Dong the douchebag is gone!

Apperantly doing nice things for people gets you shit on. S has been staying with us rent free for about 2 months. He has given us about $150 for food and stuff. Well that is not good enough for him. I yelled at him Sunday for being a slob and gross. He hadn't showered since Friday and was still wearing the same clothes, he leaves chew spitters everywhere and that is just sick. So I layed into him. I was mean, but trust me it could have been so much worse. I don't care either. So Monday they go to look at trucks, no he still has not gotten one and we have one driver waiting. That is another story. Derrick gets home and has food poisoning so we were up late with that. Last night I am standing there talking to Gram and Rose and S shows up. I asked if Derrick was coming home and he was snotty and said "I don't know" Okay fine. Then he walks out with all of his shit. He hugs me and tells me I was right. About what I don't know. Whatever I am right. I guess come to find out him and Derrick got into it. Well, S tells Derrick that he is a dick and blah blah...Derrick is ticked and can't figure out why he gets shit on when he is trying to do nice things for people. Because not everyone is like you are dear. It is in most peoples nature to take advantage of others. I learned long ago that if they shit on you once they will do it again. Derrick was pretty upset and I don't blame him. I actually want to rip into S again. I may if I run across him. That was an asshole thing to do. I have stripped the bed of everything and am washing it all...in HOT water. Then I am going to get this room in order and all cleaned up.

Other than that there is not a whole lot going on here. I am ready for Christmas break. We have a day off in about a week. It is time. The natives are restless. I am going to go start dinner so it will be done when we get home tonight. I called and he is in a grain bin. Doing what I have not a clue. It better not be a milo bin or his ass is grass. I will be up all night again with a sick man.

The envelope says...

Derrick couldn't make it this morning, so I had her put it in an envelope. Baby A is a girl and Baby B is a boy. Backwards from what I thought, but still one of each. She was not totally positive, but Baby B was not shy about it at all, so it must be Derrick's son. My previa has corrected itself, so no more pelvic rest! YAY!!! That means I can get some! PG and no BD is not fun at all!

We moved my Gram to a rehab unit. She is still being a pain and overreacting. But they can make her do things and we don't have to be the bad guy. I am going to go eat my apple jacks and see if I can find something good to watch!

My Broncos lost...and that just started the bad day!

So pretty sure things on the Gram front are shitty. I know she is stubborn and impatient, but damnit. Right now is not the time. She is going to a nursing home, which pisses me off anyway, but it is because she refuses to eat. She wants to go home, but can't because she won't fucking eat. I asked my mom if she understood that this disease could kill her. She said she did, but she doesn't seem to understand the chemo and radiation helped. She is tired of everything tasting bad and having no control. Well guess what, starving to death is going to suck. I am ticked because I can't go up there and shake the shit outta her. I am four hours away and feel guilty. I am also terrified that she is not going to be here anymore. She is probably not going to be here long enough to see my babies, and that is really hard. I was talking to Derrick and I told him I knew that was selfish of me, but he told me is wasn't. He said she is behaving a little selfish. My whole family has always made up a crisis when they feel like it, now we actually have a very serious situation and no one but Mom, Dad, the boys, Derrick and I seem to get that. This is not the usual molehill, this is serious shit. I know that parts of my family just can't handle it, and you know what, I really don't want to either. But guess what, I have too. I am scared that I am going to get that call and I won't have seen her. I can say this is not fair, but cancer is never fair. So I am not going to sit on my pity pot, the rest of my family is doing enough of that for everyone. I am just frustrated and really want to go home and sit in that room and talk to her.

On my home front, it was supposed to rain today, and we got like 5 drops. We have another calf, with it's mommy this time up by the house. That cow is MEAN!!! I went to give the calf a shot and the cow grunted and pawed the ground. The calf is not as cute as Missy Moo, but she is pretty cute. Derrick told me yesterday that he think Missy knows she is a cow. So this morning him and Gramps were feeding the calf with the cow in the chute and I went to see. Well Missy has not clue one she is a cow. She stood next to me and tried to eat and lick my pants, shirt, sucked on my fingers, head butted my legs. I told Derrick she still thinks I am mom. She is such a dolly. Then I went to leave and she chased me and mooed at me. He told me I could have her and decide what we do with her. She is going to get Bangs next spring and we are keeping her.

I spent all day cleaning house. I did pretty good too for the most part. This week I have projects to clean the office up and get stuff filed. It is still a mess. I got Derrick to hang some pictures up and measure for curtains for the living room. We need them badly. I have a three day weekend at the end of the month and I wanted to go to Wichita, but now I am going to go home. My brother got a doggie, a 19 month German Shepherd. Her name is Chaser. I guess the other doggies were pretty dominering of her so she is at my parents now. Dad said she is tall and lanky, unlike my petite Beanster and the fatso Lily. Speaking of animals, we have inherited the two kitties the Rose brought home. They like me better I guess, and my husband can't figure out why all strays come to me. It is my nature I guess. I better go make some dinner and feed Missy Moo.

Weekend update

My nice relaxing weekend did not go as planned. I had big plans to look at cribs, carseats, all sorts of baby stuff. I managed to get a new computer and a few new shirts. Oh and new bras. I am not liking that part. I like my boobs they way they were. Derrick likes them now, but come on. It is all for the good though. Saturday we were going to get my Gram and go to this awesome place in Lousiville. We have been going there since my Gram was little, and it is a family tradition. Anyway, Saturday Mom and I were walking from Macy's to PF Changs to eat and my aunt called. Gram fell. Noots went and got her up and got her all under control. Did I mention that she is supposed to be using a walker? Not using it. We eat and go home. The next morning I am sitting on the end of my parents bed talking to them and the phone rings. It was like 8. Gram fell again, my other aunt was going over there. 45 minutes later it rang again. She fell again! So this time we decided to take her in. My aunt said the walker was in the corner, not in use. So I got to make my second trip the the ER in 7 days. I walk back with mom and Toots (we have terrible nicknames) and the only thing my Gram notices...my boobs. Are you kidding? You haven't eaten since Friday and that is what you are worried about? I laughed. Turns out her potassium was way low so they admitted her. I made her eat, nothing tastes good and she gets overwhelmed I think. She had another MRI yesterday and the brain mets are almost gone. WAHOO! Nothing new, and very little residual. She is sore, duh, and cranky. Needless to say I didn't get Blue Parrot or any baby stuff done. Oh well. I will live. I swear she better behave.

Corn picking started last night. Derrick took me on a combine date. Those are fun. I am one of the few women that have been here as long as I have and still loves to ride in the field with her honey. It is wonderful alone time for us and I actually like to see it. Then stupid came home and started asking all these bookkeeping questions. Dude, that is my job and I happen to be good at is so shut the hell up. Derrick told him to let me worry about it and he would get what he needed.

I am off to fold some clothes and relax. I have had a headache for a few days. Can't imagine why....

Nutso weekend! And it is gonna get better!

For fun yesterday we scanned me! My usually sleepy baby B was awake and rather active. I think that one is a girl and is quite the thumb sucker! My usually active baby A was standing on his (I think he is my boy) head and sleeping. He moved like twice cause baby B kicked him. We still can't see what they are, and that is fine since I was Derrick to be with me when we find out. My best friend thinks I probably have them backwards or I am having 2 girls. I don't know.

Hit Target yesterday, the didn't have a whole lot in the way of maternity clothes. I got some fall decoration stuff instead. I have got to get my house cleaned up. I found 2 tops at NY&C that work great as maternity and some super comfy lounge pants. Mom bought me 2 new bras. I was so hoping to have to avoid doing that. I haven't worn anything other than VS since I was in high school and buying bras elsewhere just did not appeal to me. But I am about busting out of my other ones. They are just tight. Mom and Kimmy noticed that. Great, just called me boobs. I got to see my nephew! He is so cute and just jabbers and smiles. Mom stole him the whole time we were shopping. Big meanie. I have to run back over there this morning and dig through her maternity clothes and get baby name books so Derrick and I can go through them.

We are going to pick up my new computer, had to finally get one. Then we are going to lunch with my gram. She fell again yesterday. She wouldn't answer the phone, and my mom and aunt decided that gram is living with someone from now on. She isn't eating and is just making us all nuts. I guess my other aunt's husband is home....and he has all these ideas of what needs to be done. UmMM dude, you have not been part of this family that long and you are not that cool, so keep your ideas to your damn self. You are a computer nerd and have NO knowledge of medicine so back off. Speaking of family, apperantly my cousin has decided that since she has twins she knows all. Nevermind the fact that my mom has twins and I have been around my brothers for the last 24 years. She is positive that I am going to need all of her knowledge. UMMM NO. Pretty sure I have it under control. I remember my brothers being little, and if I really need help I have my mom. Are you kidding me? I can't even stand to be around her or her POS husband. So not calling for your help. Just cause you are to stupid to figure out that babies cost money and you have to do more for them than birth them does not make you an expert. I bought my fertility and that is fine with me. At least I have a brain in my head and my children were totally planned and wanted. Never for a second were they not loved. Even in the dish we wanted them. My family makes me nuts.

Things in the sticks are quiet. Derrick is helping some other guy pick wet corn. I think it rained at home last night so he might get to relax today. I need to have him sweep the floor, or hey here is an idea is big fat baby S is still there he can fucking do it. He needs to have S pick up the room he is in. I have to set up the computer tonight and I want it not to smell in there. Ready for dude to leave. Alright I am off to get ready and go get some stuff!

I swear boys are wimps!

So I am totally ready for our house guest to leave. Not only has he been here too long, I need to get some shit done in that room. Oh did I mention that is smells like ASS! Since his injury he has been moping around here like a big damn baby. Can't call him a girl, cause he isn't that tough. I am going to smack the shit outta him here soon. That and it was his big idea to do this trucking thing and he was going to be the silent finacier. SO now he wants all this stuff, like fuel records and I mean exact crap. I told Derrick that we are just better off doing it ourselves. We have talked about it before anyway. THat and we both know that there is no need to put 04 or newer 379 flattop Pete's on the road. No point! I have done all the leg work in trying to get authority and have a few more calls to make and we are good. Then we need to get a truck. We own a grain buggy, so that is not an issue. It is just frustrating for both of us that S is being a PITA. I swear if he bitches at all about that thumb I am going to poke my thumb in his eye.

I am going home this weekend. My brothers wierdo chic left so I can peacefully go to my mom's and have a good weekend. I have got to do some shopping.

Work, is work. That is all there is too it. I am ready for March so I can be home with my babies. I am going to have mom scan me this weekend so we can check my placenta's. Gotta love that mom runs an imaging center. Comes in handy. I am going to see my gram too. Mom says she is failing and getting frail. When I call her she is always bossy or sassy. Which is good I guess. Unless I am the last one that gets to her, then I get gripped at. I am going to figure out what to do for dinner. I have no idea what time my other half will be here. Soon I hope so we can hang out. Can't get any, which sucks. That part of this just blows. But we can hang out and make our list of questions for the lawyer and DOT.

I know I suck!

It has been eventful around here. Fall wet corn is over thank God. Now we just have to get wheat drilled, milo cut, some field work done, and help a friend with dry corn. Fun huh!

Had another scare on Friday that landed me on 3 more days of bedrest and very restricted activity for the rest of my pregnancy. Apperantly both placentas are previa. There is also a pool of blood under baby B. That is what is coming out. No sex, orgasm, straining to poo, nothing traumatic to the pelvis until it corrects itself. That means lots of fiber, colace twice a day, oh yeah and I got an enema Saturday morning. Think that is just for old people, um no. I could go my whole life without another one of those. ICK! Other than that there is not a whole lot new. Derrick and I are much better. His friend staying with us is about to grate on my last nerve. I have had it. I want my house back. It is time.

Other than that I am going to relax on the couch as per my light activity. I can't even vacum or carry the damn laundry basket, cause it weighs more than 10 pounds. I am getting someone to come in and clean the bathrooms and floors.

Freshman, football, and fun

Seriously, I think that freshman get dumber and dumber. Not just freshman, high school boys in general. Some of the stuff that comes outta their mouths is unreal. Do they not know they are not cute and they are just stupid? I swear if I ever find out my children behave the way some of these do, they will wish their dad gets to them first. Actually, they would probably be better off with me! Mom is a teacher, his mom is a teacher. My kids are screwed!

Anyway, I have decided that I want to live on oreos and spaghetti. Not entirely healthy, I know. But yummy. Since things that are yummy are few and far between, I eat what is good. My OB said that for the first tri, she just wanted me to eat. The next two she will gripe at me about what.

I have to go out of town tomorrow night for a football game. Seriously you would think that football was a religion where I work. Or you would think we were in Texas. Big blow up helmet, fireworks=big fat stupid. We look like idiots. I think it will be really funny next year or the year after when we are terrible. Remember those freshman boys? Yeah they are not going to live up to the standard. LOL!!!

Things are quiet on the home front. Both of us had bad dreams last night that involved the other having an affair. I slugged him in mine. Woke up and talked about them. Reassured each other that they were just dreams in a very good way. If you didn't get this side effect of pregnancy so sorry for you! Derrick thinks I have lost it! It is different than when you are trying. Then it is for a reason, you are on a mission. All that trying eventually has a way of taking the fun of of BD. Temps, needles, propping up fannies, all that fun stuff that you have to do when you are IF. I had actually forgotten how much fun it was and what stress relief it could be. IF makes everything stressful even that. I had a good day at least! Gonna go take a quick snooze before I feed the calf!

My body does work on it's own!

My nurse just called and I am officially on my own. My body is doing what it is supposed to. Never thought that would happen! No more meds! WAHOO!!! I called Derrick to tell him and I think he is having a bad day. I know he is, his truck had issues this morning so that makes today not so hot. He is grumpy. Great. His friend is going to be staying with us for awhile during fall harvest. I hate harvest times, it makes the men in my life grouchy. Not that he needs help with that right now.

Anyway, there is not much new here. I need to fold clothes so that S has somewhere to sleep. I use the spare bed to deposit the clean laundry since I hate folding it. Better do that huh!

I have a major headache today and want to lay down. I think I am gonna until they get here. My neck is all stiff and so are my shoulders. I carry all my stress there so it would figure. But you are not supposed to get massages during your first trimester. So I will suffer and drink lots of water. I have had some round ligament pain, which is good, but not comfortable. It does mean the little ones are growing. I see my OB next Friday and will have another ultrasound. I want Derrick to go, but if he is picking corn there is no way. Once again did I mention that harvest sucks? There is enough stress in this house right now without that. Okay, I am going to go and take a nap.

More babies around us!

Things are mostly better. I understand that there are going to be rough times. I got that, I just am not very good at dealing with it. Mostly we are better. Mostly, we had meltdown last night over the whole deal again. He has a hard time understanding that women do not always want to have sex when they do. Guys are different they want it and that is that, he can't get this difference through his head. I should have told him if I wanted it there would have been more to it. But let a sleeping dog lie. I got tired of him and went to bed. Didn't sleep worth a shit and he slept on the couch. We have talked a little today.

We have a friend that is pg. She called this afternoon to tell me. They had a m/c in December at 11 weeks so they are excited. She thinks she will be due the middle of April. That means that we have half of a class happening from November on. We have a friend due in Nov, Feb, me in March, and April. There are 4 of us. Oh and 5 babies. Derrick thinks the couple we are no longer friends with will get ku'd now. Stupid bitch can't be left out. They should sterilize people like her and him. As soon as you know they are worthless pieces of shit, cut em. Harsh, yep. But you know what, I teach and I see what comes through my classroom from people like that. It is not pretty. It is sad actually. Those kids do not have a fighting chance. Their parents don't read to them, spend time with them, do anything for them. They spend money on booze and smokes. It pisses me off. These are the same people that would have their infants in the bar, which yes is the only restaurant in town, until after midnight. Ummmm HELL NO! Take your kid home. That is bad parenting. It is a cycle and it continues. I guess that means I have job security right. Thank God I don't teach around here.

I am going to try to talk Derrick into getting the babies room all cleaned out. We'll see how that goes.

Our new four legged baby!

I am so tired of the hottness

Seriously, I am ready for snow if it is going to be like this. I thought after last winter that I would never say that phrase. The heat is killing me though! OMG! It is hot in my room and that makes me irritable. Pretty sure the hormones don't help and neither does the other shit going on in my life.

I think things are better. He is still having moments. Overall we are working at it. He just doesn't seem to see that he has a part in anything. He never sees his faults and never has. It is a tad annoying really. We are trying and that is something. Not much to say, I have to go and check on my calf. I named her Missy. She is so damn cute!

Making progress...

which is good. We have talked alot and have decided that this can be saved, but there are alot of trust issues there. I am much less stressed. He still has a hard time seeing his role in all of this. Which sucks, but I keep pointing it out everytime he points out my flaws. That is something that I have never done. Everytime he tells me I don't know how much he loves me I tell him probably not because he doesn't show it the way he should. I think that shocked him. I think the biggest hurdle that we are going to have to overcome is the relationship between him and my family. He called my dad last weekend and dad was mad and so was Derrick, so some not so nice things were said. He never wants to see my parents again. I can't get him to see how childish he is acting. I am not going to fight about it right now. It is not worth it. He will get over it and I know that, so fighting about it is not going to make a whole lot of difference.

We have a bottle calf. She is really cute, but I am not sure that we are going to save her. She was a twin that the cow didn't claim and she didn't eat for like 24 hours. We got her to eat pretty well yesterday, but this morning she ate a pint of colostrum and that was it. We gave her some exceed in hope that that would perk her up a little. I like her and I want to her to get better. It is hotter than hell here. We tried to stain the deck, and the sprayer wouldn't work. I got my part done and it is too damn hot for me to be out there. I feel pretty good, I just get tired easily. But they said to expect that. I had a little spotting earlier this week, so we scanned me Thursday and both babies are fine. They wiggle around now and it was pretty cool. I see my OB again in 3 weeks and will have another scan then. She wants to scan me everytime she sees me to make sure things are all okay. I am getting chubby, but haven't really gained any weight. It is wierd. Off to clean up the house a bit. I have been slacking since last weekend and some stuff needs done!

I know I wrote last night. Today is not looking a whole lot better in my world. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my marriage can be saved or fixed. The fabric of it is torn. People make mistakes. We just happened to make the same mistake, I just made it with his friend. Now I am the whore. I can't do this. I am willing to save this marriage for the sake of my children and because I love him so much. I am just not sure love is enough at this point in life. I am broken and I don't know if I can be fixed. We talked some last night and this morning. He still thinks that something is going on. I don't know how to make him see there is nothing there. Am I afraid of this guy, yes frankly I am. He is manipulative and I don't think he has an moral fiber. I on the other hand am praying every second for help with this and some anwers. When we lived in the little house I used to block the doors so no one could get in when Derrick was gone. I was terrified that the man was going to come into my home and try to hurt me. I am still terrified. I want nothing to do with him. Derrick doesn't believe me.

What he is not understanding is that he slept with someone too and lied about it. She wasn't my friend, but he still did it. He keeps telling me that he has the mental picture of me, well I have a mental picture of him too. So there. I feel like I am in a pissing match. Who hurt who worse. We are both hurt. That is all there is to it. I don't know what to do. My mom wants me to come home next weekend. I am going home labor day weekend. I am going to see my old counselor that weekend if he is around. I think that is important. I need some guidance. I need something. My heart and mind are going in two very different directions at the same time. Part of me wants to leave and call it quits. See if that changes the way he feels. The other part of me is willing to fight for my marriage and family no matter what. It doesn't seem to matter to that part of me that I am taking alot of abuse here. Not physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like a shell of myself. I used to be this vibrant fun person. Now I am a shell, the spark I used to have is gone. We have gone to spliting up so many times, now is this time the one? I can't answer that. I know that I cannot stay here if he is going to hold this over my head forever. I can't be called a whore and things for the rest of my life. He said last night if we didn't have everything here we would move.

He doesn't understand that he has alienated me from my family for years. Now he has gotten in a fight with my dad. He will refuse to do holidays at my parents and will be a bear when they are here. He doesn't see his faults, just mine are glaring in the morning light. He doesn't see that he has put everyone and everything before me and our marriage for years. I am last on the list. I come after his friends. He will let his friends walk all over him and still they are his friends. I make a few mistakes and they are held against me for life. I don't know what to do. I know I can't live my life with everything I have ever done wrong pointed out for me daily. Him and I have been down this road before. We split up and got back together. I have put my heart and soul into this relationship. Now it looks like that is not enough. I am a whore to him. He told me this morning that he cannot wake up and look at a whore everyday. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should leave or not. I have a place to go. I just don't know. I am fighting harder because I am pregnant and do not want to be a single mom. I also know that I have family at home and I can do it if I am forced to. I may be forced to. I am rambling....I am going to go and try to eat something. I have to take care of myself regardless.

Not sure where my life went all nutso. I made a mistake a long time ago...now it is back to haunt me. I finally told Derrick last night and he blew up. He left told me to get out. I stayed we talked last night and I thought it was going to be alright. I was wrong. This morning he started in on the whore thing again. He also took his wedding ring off and threw it last night. I started packing my car. I didn't unpack it after he talked me out of leaving. I am afraid to. I know I can stay with a friend and my mom wanted me to come home. Actually my dad was going to come and help me get most everything. My brothers can't come out. They will kill him. I just don't know what to do. I am out of energy. I have to take care of myself and the babies. More later.

Back from my first ultrasound!

There are two of those little ones in there! We were looking at baby A and our tech asked us how comfortable we were with two. Derrick said pretty comfy, and she said good cause here is baby b. The look on his face was priceless. It was awesome. They measure the same at .85cm. That is good baby A's heartrate was 120 and baby B's was 125. Derrick thinks that means baby B is a girl. We are very excited. We talked on the way about not trying anymore if there are two. So this might be it for us. I don't care, I have waited so long for this. It was so awesome to see their little heartbeats on the screen. That had to be the coolest thing ever.

We went to lunch with my mom and gram. Gram is totally shocked. We didn't tell anyone in my family what was going on. This means that she has three sets of twins in her family. Mine, my brother are twins, and my cousin's twins. She told me and Derrick that she wants boy/girl twins and then she will have a set of each. Mom is in shock. She just stared at the pictures. It was so cool. Derrick's parents are excited too. Everyone is.

On to a funny. The girl that was telling people about everything got hers. LOL! She was in our "grocery store" and one of our very good friends was there. We she was telling my friend that it was bullshit that she got chewed out (she didn't get yelled at, because Derrick knew that if I did the talking and yelling it would be really bad) and it wasn't that big of a deal. Well my friend told her that it was a big deal and she had no idea what we had gone through and what we were going through and just to keep her mouth shut and nose out of stuff. It was funny. Derrick called her man last and just left a message.

I have to go and clean the bathrooms and get some stuff done. I am still on light activity and my nurse said I would be probably most of my pregancy. That means that we are for sure getting someone to come out every other week and clean house. Just bathrooms and floors. I can dust and stuff. Those two things are the devil chores!

Finally I am really PG!

My Beta doubled and we set my U/S up for the 10th of August. That seems so far away....I have tons to do until then. I am on a mission to get my papers written or most of them before school starts. That way I am not all stressed out oh and I can get a raise. We are so going to need it if I have to take no pay days. I won't get paid at all for two months or so. Which is total crap.

Derrick has been hauling cows all week and busting his ass. He is so tired and at home asleep. Hi family will be here this weekend, so I have another house full. We seriously have not been home or alone at home since June. He is going to Sturgis in a week so I am locking myself in the house and writing. I was going to go to my mom's but I decided to stay home and write. I can get so much done while he is gone. Maybe I can get the baby's room cleaned out too. That way We can start looking at furniture and such. I have four papers that have to be done by August 10th. I am on a serious mission. My casebook and History paper can wait, but the rest must get finished. Then I will have 24 hours and get a good sized raise.

I am going to do some research really fast before I get my test back! Then when I get home I am cleaning house and reading Harry Potter!

Pictures of the Deck.

Concrete on the East side
Deck from the west facing east.
Deck from the east facing west

BBQ drama

Stupid people piss me the fuck off. So we had a BBQ last night, and it was pretty fun. Until 3:30 this morning when three really idiotic men came inside with the cattle prod. Needless to say they lost a good chunk of their asses. I was fucking pissed. Then one of them stands there and argues with me. Derrick had to tell him to shut up, cause he would lose. I was still fuming when Derrick came to bed. Other than that and him trying to blow himself up it was fun.

The two that invited themselves ended up not coming. He was in Denver the day of the FET and told his wife. She has decided that it is her job to tell other people what is going on. UMMM FUCK NO. She has no business telling anyone anything. She was on pretty thin ice anyway, and now she is fucked. I refuse to be nice or social. Not happening. Derrick called and left her man a nasty message telling him to shut her up. So now everyone knows what is going on and that is exactally what I didn't want to happen. I wanted to wait until the ultrasound but nope. They didn't show up, and never called back. I guess he asked his sister what was up and she said she didn't know. She figured it out. I have every right to be totally pissed off and am. Derrick is pissed and everyone else that was told thinks I should beat her ass or let her have a piece of my mind. I may if she calls. Or I may just ignore the bitch. They are not welcome here for awhile, and I don't care to have her around my kids. She is foul mouthed and a poor parent. If she wants to start this shit she will lose, because people here like me and Derrick and a good part of them think they are arrogant and worthless. I am a vindicitve bitch and she is a baby ass that thinks she is tough. She has no idea how to play with the big girls. I have years of practice being nasty and rude, she has no idea.

I am still sick a little bit, and my boobies are still hurting. But what ever since I am KU'ed!!! My Beta is in the morning and I am so excited.

Minor meltdown

So one of my friends sisters just had her baby, and stupid ass me looked at the pics. Oh yeah, and she took our name! I know that I should be used to that by now, but I am so not! Anyway, it has reduced me to tears. I am not sure if my hormones are going nuts, other than the ones we are pumping my body with, or what, but I did not expect that. I feel good about this cycle, and I am positive. I am having some twinges today, and I don't know what to feel about that. I am hoping it is my babies burrowing in nice and snug. Transfer went great. We transfered 3 grade A embies. Then my mom and brother got to be couch nazi's for two days. I am behaving myself and not doing anything I am not supposed to be. That is difficult since one of my books weighs about 10# on its own. I am ready for class to be over so I can concentrate on writing my papers and getting nearly everything done before I go back to school.

Other than that no pg signs. Just hungry and tired. My boobs don't hurt, but they didn't last time either. I am just sure this worked!

This cycle better work....

simply because everything that can go wrong has. My lupron was late, had the worst U/S ever Friday and now my estrodial is at a lab in KC and results are not in! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? I am so pissed off! I was supposed to start PIO today and I have to wait until they have my labs. I am on hold with the RE's office right this second. Last time I had lab drawn there it was not this long. I think I am going to file a complain with the hospital, the lab company, oh and my ins. You just cannot do this shit to someone dealing with IF. It makes us just that much more insane. I am ready to sob. This is awful. I feel like the world is against me right now. I was going to go outside and pull concrete forms so I can park on the driveway and water flowers, but instead I have been on the damn phone all morning. I am about to throw a major fit. They don't happen often, but when they do it is rather dangerous. I just have to keep myself from putting my fist into anything.

I am pooped, but in a good way! We went to the lake yesterday and skiied. Since I won't be doing that for the rest of the year, I had to. It took about 3 times to get up which is unusual for me, but I was on one. Then popped up the second time and Derrick slowed down to turn and I sank. Silly boy, tried outside the wake and did a cartwheel, and now I am SORE!!!! Way fun and awesome fireworks.

Also found out last night that a friend of ours wife was having an affair. I think with a friend of ours. I have some suspisions, but nothing confirmed. I don't want to know. I didn't want to know that.

My parents went to my uncles house, I guess my cousin was there and as freaking about my gram holding a baby, but mom talked her into it and helped gram. Seriously, it is not the big of a deal. Then I guess she was telling them how her idiot husband works 50 hours a week and can't help at home. Ummm, yes he can. Whatever. Her sisters husband has gone UA from the Navy. My brothers are pissed and so is Derrick when I told him last night. Worthless POS. That is what those two married. My youngest cousin is dating someone, and my little brother told her he better not be a worthless loser like the other two's husbands. I think it is funny. So glad I wasn't there.

I have to mow our weeds today so we can get the rest of the concrete formed, the deck started, rotatilling done, then grass and bushes here I come!

Random thoughts....

I just want to be lazy. I am doing a pretty good job too. I have gotten all my reading done for next week, and some of it done for the following week. I am trying to save some stuff to do so that I will be occupied the week of the FET and while I am on bedrest. I get to spend most of my bedrest at my mom's. Which is fine, but she gets so damn bossy. Love her to death, but she is the typical caretaker, much like me, and tends to boss. Oh well, I know she means well. Derrick is going to go to some drag thing that weekend, his friend wants us both to go. I wiggled my way out by saying the my little bro would getting home about then, and I need to spend time with my grandparents. Which technically both are true.

My grandparents, okay they are divorced and have been for a billion years. My Gram told me last weekend that she would always care very much about Granps, but she couldn't take some of the other stuff. He thinks he is God's gift to women, still. He is funny but has been very ill for a very long time. He first got sick right before I graduated from high school. He has not been out of his house other than to the dr. for 9 years. Both of my grandparents were smokers and it has gotten the best of them. Gpa has severe emphysema and COPD. Not a pretty sight. I talked to him yesterday and he was in a smartass mood. Mom said he was really thin though and in bed when she got there. I forgot to ask about the time my great gram chased him down the street with a broom. I am gonna. The point of this whole rant is that he has been barely hanging on for 9 years. Is he hanging on just to make sure we are all happy and safe? I want him to be here long enough to see my kids and my brothers get married. Okay that last one might take awhile. He is funny and I love him very much. I can't do this now either.

On my Gram, she is convinced that her adopted mother is doing this to her. I guess she was a mean woman, hence the broom incident. Gram is really pissed about it and going through the angry thing. We were talking about it the other day and she told me all that. I never met Tess, so I have no clue, but everyone says she was terrible. I am going to call Gram in a little bit, but I need to clean my car out. My RE called and my estrogen is great 117. I think I do have to go to Denver for the U/S. That is fine. I will just zip out there and zip back. Maybe shop some in the meantime.

June is almost gone!!

Holy cow! What a busy month. I am pooped out. I am done with June classes and just finished one more paper from last summer. Two to go. I have reading to do for next week. Thank goodness nearly everything we are reading I have already read before and I just have to review. YAY for me!

On the home front. Gram went home yesterday. Mom said she is in her don't do anything for me, cranky mode. I know that everyone has been hovering and it makes her nuts. The good news is that for the most part the cancer is pretty treatable. The radiation has helped her hand be able to work. She was getting really bored and wanted to go back to work. I think she is going to try to go back next week. Her and I had some really long talks last weekend when it was just me and her at the hospital. I think she liked that. I am the one person that she can say nearly anything to without getting all butt hurt. Sometimes I feel like the objective outsider. I am sure the nurses wanted to kill my family. They can be a loud bunch. It does not help that my mom had to tell everyone that we are not complaining about anything, then my aunt had to lay into my cousin right away. I think the fact that everything was happening really fast was overwhelming, but great. Since my mom works for the company that owns the hospital and is kinda a big wig, and knows all the docs, stuff moved right along. Way faster than if gram would have been somewhere else. I like the nurses for the most part, and the doc was amazing. I am alright with things, and having my gram to myself always helps me. I get to do that alot and always have. Maybe that is why my cousins get all ticked at me. I don't think they understand some things. I was supposed to be born on her birthday, I have never had a birthday party with my family without her. My cakes always said Dana and Grandma. I am named after her. Actually, we are the only three named after anyone in our families. Her real mom died on my birthday. So the ties are really strong. Until my cousin messed it up, the first born of each generation had had the first born and they were always girls. At my great-gram's funeral there was four generations of first born girls. Wierd. I told my parents that there would be no fighting amongst the cousins. Gram doesn't want that. I also got informed that I am going to have to give my boycott of things involving one of them up. Just for Gram's sake. That is all.

I am tired and we are going to softball tonight, so I am gonna take a nap. I feel great about the things I got done today, so I deserve one!

I am know a I am strong person, and I am sure that God knows that too. So my question is this, can we please stop testing just how strong and let me have a few moments of peace? That would be fantastic. I skipped class today, I was awake most of the night with a pounding head. Midrin was not working, so I drove home and took phenergan. Now I feel dopey and I don't like it much.

The migraine was brought on by a particular, well two actually, events. My mom called yesterday and was in the ER with my Gram. They thought she might have had a stroke, instead she has metatastical lesions to her brain. She quit smoking 15 years ago and no one thought to shoot a chest film in all that time, she has lung cancer with mets. Three on her brain and one to her liver. This is what I know so far, they are going to biopsy her liver this afternoon and start radiation to her mets in her brain. They were talking to the radiation oncologist when I talked to mom. I don't know if they will do a PET scan, I hope so. I am entirely positive that my whole obnoxious family is there and half of them will be making a scene. I wish it was just mom, but whatever. My family is stupid. Mom said my one aunt was hysterical. Somehow they will make this about them, I know that and have known that for years. My bitch cousin had her twins Tuesday. She is most likely ticked that this is stealing her thunder. They are the most self centered shallow group I know. Anyway, the girls are healthy and she got her tubes tied. Thank God. I had planned on going home tonight but can't cause of the headache. I hate these things.

I am sad, angry, hurt, and scared. Why now? Why my gram? I love her to death, she is awesome. I want her to be here and be able to be with us. I have had enough death to last me a lifetime in the last few years. I can't do it anymore. I don't think I strong enough to keep doing the IF thing and handle all of this. I sound selfish, and I hate that too. I am pooped. That is all there is too it. Derrick is cutting wheat, that is good. He is tired too. He is worried about me, and wants to go with me this weekend, but can't. I swear if my cousin and her POS husband are there and say anything about him not being there, I am gonna let them have it. At least my husband works to provide for his family. I am gonna go and lay back down and wait for mom to call me and tell me what the oncologist said.

Feeling a little insecure

AHHH the joys of being a student. Really for the most part I like it. I am just tired. I feel a little overwhelmed right now and I am sure the lupron is not helping anything. I want to go home and be with my honey, but we cannot afford the gas to do that daily. So one more night and I will be at home with him for one night this week. They should be about ready to cut wheat. That means a BIG paycheck for us. WAHOOO!!! We may be able to pay half of the FET out of pocket. I am tired of being broke.

Funny story yesterday. Derrick called last night and was telling me about his day, by the way, the man has the worst luck sometimes. He was at the feedlot unloading hay and went to jump over a urine/poo puddle that they have in places. He said it was not that big and it looked solid. As he went to plant his foot it was not solid and he face planted in the smelly puddle. He had to go to walmart in Colby and get different clothes. OMG I was laughing really hard.

Speaking of him, I am not sure if I am just feeling insecure again or what, but I am feeling a little left out of his life. I know I am away, but when I am home it seems like he doesn't care. I am sure this is all the meds talking and my feelings of inadequacy since once again, damn near everyone around me is getting knocked up. His one friend is really testing me again. Like he is expecting way to much from Derrick and it is almost like a pulling match. This same friend and I have gone at it several times because of the way he behaves. I don't know if Derrick is freaking out about everything too or if he is depressed. Well, I think that might have something to do with it. He actually said something like that the other day. I am a little worried. His behavior is wierd and I don't like it. Something is up. I know this time of year is always bad for him, but still. I am trying my best not to be a cranky bitch or cry, but I am finding it hard sometimes. I am ready for the FET to be here and to be pg. I know he loves me more than anything and we are the perfect pair, we are just going through a moment. I think I am going to see if we can do something just us next weekend, no friends, no anything, just the two of us. Nothing that involves the RE or anything else. We need a break from life. I don't care if it means we haul cattle for a day together. I just want to hang out with him.

This time around is rough!

I don't remember being this pissed last time. I can go from crying to just pissed to fine in about 5 seconds. This is not a side effect I remember having. Needless to say, I don't like it much. Derrick doesn't either. But then again, his teenage boy behavior last night about earned him my foot clear up his ass. Birthday or not he was being a fucking idiot. Lupron or no I would have been pissed. I love him to death, but sometimes I want to beat him. Last night was one of those times.



On top of that something bit my left foot, and not him doing something kinky. It hurts and is all red. I have one little white zit looking thing on it, and around it itches like hell.

We threw a BBQ last night. It was fun for the most part. I just was in an alright mood for most of it. Just a few moments of bitchy. Seriously, I hate this. I can't help anything that is happening. I will trade this for hot flashes any day! I really want to spend some alone time with my honey, but he had to take the concrete crap back to town. He said he would be here early so we can make dinner and watch a movie. I hope so. I will be gone next weekend to a wedding. I am kinda excited for it. He is going to start cutting wheat soon, so that means I want to be as far way as possible. He gets really grumpy, and with my mood swings, it could be dangerous. I am sure my idiot cousin will have her children by then too. I of course am going no where near that, so my family will be mad at me, but there is no way in hell I can hold it together through that. The good news, my Gram told me she is getting her tubes tied. Good since they can't support the kids they have.

Okay I am off to do some stuff to get ready for the week. Fun for me!

Damn, I am cranky...

This week is kicking my ass. I did great on both tests I took and my presentation. I am just pooped. I cleaned house this morning, well sort of. I did the bathrooms and the floors. Then of course Derrick comes home and finishes the shower, and cuts the air return. Makes a big fat mess. Then left, I want to slug him. Today is his birthday, so I have to be nice, but he is making it hard right now. He has sand in his mangina.

I kinda want to lay down and take a nap, but I am waiting on fed ex to get my lupron here. It is supposed to be here by 4. It fucking better be. It is time to start being a pincushion again, and lets move it. Good thing we have a/c now, or life would be not fun for anyone around me. For some, I just don't give a rats ass if they think I am a bitch. It happens, I am. I am just in the mood to be a bitch right now. So I better just stay away from everyone. Not like there is really anyone I want to be around right now anyway. Well, actually I want to go home and go shopping with my mom and Kimmy. That would make me happy.

I think I am gonna go repaint my toes, that always makes me happy.

Week one down!!

And I am barely floating. Actually I am alright. Just have tons to do. I am presenting Monday on a novel. I just finished it and I might do my 19th cent American Lit paper on the temperance movement in that novel. Maybe. My history of english class....has the most annoying fucking woman ever in it. She makes all these hmmm, ahhh, ohhh noises. Did I mention that she sits right behind me. Then today we were supposed to identifying pronouns and fucked up syntax in a piece of Old English, and she was reordering the sentences. OMG woman that is not what we are supposed to be doing. There is another girl in there that speaks German too, thank goodness I did that BTW, and we are gonna slug this chick. Actually there are several of us that want to punch her. She may get it before the end of June.

Derrick is hauling hay again, which is awesome, cause I want new furniture. I went and looked, and found some for a pretty decent price at the Ashley store. I think total for a sofa, loveseat, chair, and ottoman it will be like $1800. Which is pretty good. There is no wheat in OK, so he is not going anywhere. Now I will be the one gone for our anniversary. I am going to see if he will come to Hays and take me out to dinner. I bet he will have to work, but I can hope. If not, my roomie and I are gonna make Taco Salad. YUMMMM. I am living with one a my very good friends from my undergrad years there. She is single and awesome. Derrick was so worried that we were going to go out and party, we spent last night at walmart, then cutting up a watermelon. We are party animals let me tell you!

Okay I am off to read the critical review and make some notes. I have two tests next week, so I have to stay on top of stuff.

I suck at chasing cows!!

Derrick went to gutter this morning, Grandpa and Grandma are helping his aunt move. So that means I am home alone with the dogs. My dogs by the way are worthless when it comes to helping chase cows. I look out the back door and we have 1 yes just one steer calf out. He was wiened but apperantly didn't like the other pasture and jumped the damn fence. So I go down there in my jammies and try to get him in the one gate that is there. No he runs away from me in the trees. So I go check the other pasture to make sure no other cows are out, and check fence. Nothing else is wrong. I go back and see if I can get the little fucker to do something when I am on the 4 wheeler. Hell no. So I called Derrick and told him I was done chasing the little shit. So he is just hanging out in the trees down there chillin. Ah the joys of being a farmers wife!!!

We are selling the pickup. I am so happy! It is time, we have put a new tranny in it, and new air filter, and some other crap. I have been trying to get him to sell it for 6 months. Well his friend wants a powerstroke and he is buying it. WAHOOO!!! It is still a damn good pickup, we just need something different. Oh and Derrick bought me my own snowmobile last night. That means that everyone else will get to ride this winter, cause I will be pregnant. It was a really good deal, and I am pumped. It is just like his with a little shorter track and a year older. I seriously could dance!! I am pumped that we get to go pickup shopping too!!