Information overload!!!

We left at 6 this morning for Garden, it stinks down there. The KCC meeting was long and had a TON of info. It clarified some things for me and Derrick. Thank God. Our stuff from the lawyer got here today too. That means Derrick signs his life away and I am overnighting stuff tomorrow. I am hoping that we can be up and going in a few weeks. Right now I am waiting for this fancy printer thing to do its thing and I can get it loaded on the computer. I also have to do some filing, but am avoiding that like that plague.

I am pooped out! Target was an adventure with Derrick. I did get him to look at some baby stuff. We picked a bouncy thing, swings, and high chairs. I think we are going to wait on the high chairs, we need the other stuff first. Basically he had to play with each thing and see. He likes everything that I wanted so it is working out well. I am going to register online this week. I think the girls that I work with want to do my shower right before Thanksgiving. Since most of us are winter coaches, we have NO time once Basketball, swimming (I wish I coached that), and stuff start. It will be a ton of fun. Then Dec. 8th is the one in Colorado. The one here I have not a clue on. I would like to wait till Jan 12th or so. That way we can spread them out a bit. Oh and get the stuff from the first two put away and organized before the third. I have two piles in their room. One is stuff for the crawl space, and the other is storage stuff. There is still stuff in the closet that has to stay until tile gets laid. It better be soon. I am tired of construction stuff hanging around.

DB closed on his house today. They just have to move the other dude out and he is gone! I cannot wait! K the printer is done so I am going to finish and try to clean up the huge ass mess I made!

Just when you think it is safe to get outta bed....

Just when I think things are settling down and life maybe normal...I get smacked in the face. Derrick and I are fine, actually other than the meltdown on both sides last weekend we are really good. But those have to be expected from time to time.

Thing one....That is all I can call it. After conferences, all fucking day, on Friday my mom calls. Usually this is not such a big deal. She asks when I am planning on coming home next. That is an odd question. Well apperantly my Gram has decided that she is tired of life. Fabulous. I asked if I needed to come now. Mom said no and they were going to talk to her about Hospice or Pallative care. Great. Should I bash my head against the wall now or wait? My vote is now. So they chatted Saturday afternoon and Gram said she would think about it. What gets me is earlier this week she had all of this stuff to ask her oncologist. She wanted to know if she behaved if she could go home and live a sorta normal life. Her tastes are starting to come back, but since she hasn't eaten is so long her tummy is the size of a pea. That and the malnutrition has made her a little demented. Just at times. I told mom that no matter what I want to talk to her today. I don't care. I will be pissed if I don't get to. On the way home Friday I cried of course. I have this sinking feeling that we are going to have to do this whole thing before Christmas. Definitly before the babies are here. I am tough, but I really don't think I am that tough. I used to think so. Right now I am not. I know many things. One, if and when it comes to that getting me outta the hospital probably won't be possible. I don't plan on not being there. I am stubborn enough that my family won't get me to leave. I don't care who else is there, I am just not leaving. Two, this is going to be a disaster. My family is nuts. I mean everything is a competition, literally. Who gets married first, has babies first, graduates first, has the biggest this, does this or does that. Not little, but huge blown outta proportion stuff. It is actually pretty nuts. If there is not a crisis they can create on in a heartbeat. The largest problem is that my two cousins and their dad think the world should be handed to them on a silver platter. So I can pretty much assume that those two will blow everything way out of proportion. And no one's grief will be worse than theirs. This is what I have to say to that. Then be there now. You live right there, show up once or twice a week and be there. Don't just stop to say hi, spend some time. I am so glad that through this whole thing I have gotten quite a bit on Dana and Gram time. Hours of it actually. I am thankful for that. There is nothing more that I would like to do than go there and sit and talk to her. I have gotten to do that quite a bit throughout my life and I am so glad. Anyway, it will be major drama, and I can't handle that. I am not sure I can keep my mouth shut. I will try. I am hoping that when I go home in two weeks that her and I can have some time to chat. I have some things to tell her.

Thing 2....Douchebag is back. He bought a house, they just have to wait for the guy to get out of it. He has also bought two 379 flat top Pete's. Wen...btw totally a Pete driver thing. It is nuts. They are nice don't get me wrong, but really that much for something right of the bat....whatever it is not my money. He actually told Derrick that he doesn't care if I help Derrick, but he isn't going to let me tell him what to do. Fine, I will tell Derrick and when you don't get your shit to me, it fucks you.

Thing 3...both Derrick and I are stressed about getting this corp up and running. I talked to the lawyer and paperwork should be here soon. We have to go to some KCC safety class in the morning. But it is in Garden and there is an Applebee's and Target there. Totally pumped for that. Not happy that we have to leave at 6 am. GRRRR. I will be even grumpier if DB comes with. I want to do some baby stuff and he doesn't need to be part of that so he can go and run his mouth all over town. Oh wait his stupid ass sister does that.

Very proud of myself the bitch that hit on Derrick was working last night when we went out to dinner. I didn't yell at her or say anything. If she said something to me I was short and bitchy about it. We had fun and were home by 8:45. Watched a little of the Rockies get spanked again.

Today has been slightly productive. I have things organized to go into storage from the nursery. That way the room will be empty for the hunters next weekend and when we have relatives over thanksgiving. I got my hair cut yesterday and managed to keep most of it considering the stress. Last year after finding out how infertile I was I chopped off like 4 inches. I am proud of myself. Alright I am gonna do some other stuff.

Random musings on my day off!

Less freaking out about old shit and more freaking out about the company. So far we have the LLC set up. We are in the process of getting the rest of the paperwork done, which meant I got to talk Derrick out of the trees at 1:30 this morning. He has a hard time asking for help, and he finally did so I am glad. We have stuff to do this afternoon since I am off. Well he is cutting the last of the milo. It was shitty here yesterday so nothing got done. I am going to update then be on the phone the rest of the day. Fun for me.

We talked a little more about the other shit. He finally got it through his head that I am very bothered by some stuff too. More so now and I am actually going to let someone have it. It does take quite a bit to really piss me off, but when that happens watch out. I guess when I was in CO a few weeks ago his cousin's SIL hit on him. He of course didn't see it that way at the time, bu looking back that is what it was. He told her he was happily married and she said okay. But the rest of the story goes like this, this chic and him, B and S came back here to play playstation and drink some more beer after the bar closed (it closes at midnight in podunk). Well she decided that she was too drunk to go home, and we all know better than to drive in or out of Colby if you have been drinking. It is like asking for a DUI. So she slept on the couch. Derrick made her leave at like 7. He didn't like her being there and it made him nervous. I knew she stayed, and thinking that she was L's SIL it was alright. Come to find out from T this weekend this girl has hit on B numerous times. Derrick still said nothing as Tash was telling me all of this. Then Tash went to confront this chic and she ran out the back door of the bar. Chicken shit I tell you. On the way home Derrick tells me what this girl is really like. She hit on him, well he wasn't sure, so I asked his idea of hitting on or mine. He said if it was mine she came on a little strong. Okay, no you do not get to do that in my world without getting my foot up your ass. Then I asked if she came into our room or anything. He said no, and he didn't sleep very well. The whole thing made him uncomfortable. I was pissed. One he didn't tell me until a few days ago, and two you do not mess with my man. PERIOD! Derrick then found out from his cousin how bad she was, she sleeps around a lot, doesn't care if they are married or not, dropped out of school...the list goes on. So if she is in the bar this weekend, I plan on dressing her down. Which of course makes Derrick nervous, he knows that I can be fairly nasty. He also knows that I have gotten more short tempered being pg. It will be fun. Tash will be there and it will rock.

On another note they still won't do anymore testing on her to see what is causing the 11 and 12 week m/c. This last one was her second pretty late one. Her doc said they won't test till after 3. Ummmm...no that is not cool. He is a prick and I think a quack. I don't like him at all and I have worked with him so I saw that side and I didn't care for it. They want to put her on prometrium as soon as she finds out she is pg. Well, here is the deal, that is not going to help too much if it is chromosomal, or IC, or a uterine abnormality. I am ticked for her and she comes to me since I have that shit down. I guess the more you have been through with IF the more you know, and I certainly know more than this Dr. of hers. Derrick actually told them that if it came down to it we had a fantastic RE. That made her husband freak a little. I have a rare hubby in the fact that he was willing to do anything to make it work for us to have babies of our own. There are some out there. The more infertile their wives or they are the less they care about how it happens, they just want it to happen.

We do have another friend pg. This is her 3rd oops. I love her, but she said she was ticked about it. I don't get that. They are not telling, and I am going to caution her from saying much at all in front of T for awhile. T is really struggling and I am worried about her. I have been in the I am never going to get pg mode and it sucks, so I am worried.

Okay, I am going to do my office work! Fun for me!

Everytime I think I get a handle on my life I get a fucking curve ball. After all the shit that happened in August I really thought we were working through it and doing well. We are except for last night. Apperantly Derrick is still obsessed with the whole thing. So he blows another gasket last night, and I just can't handle this shit. He doesn't seem to understand that I think about the things he did too and they haunt me too. It is all about him, oh and what he feel and what he wants. I should know this after all these years. It has been this way forever. So last night I go to bed sobbing, and of course sleep like shit. He comes in about 4:30ish and can't sleep because he is pissed. He is really pissed that the former friend is trying to take some of his hay customers. I would be too, but I had nothing to do with that. I think he finally fell asleep. I did about 5:30 and woke up at 7:30 when the alarm went off. I was afraid to roll over wrong and accidentaly touch him. He was in one of those moods. So he gets up this morning and is still annoyed, but as I am laying in bed with tears again, sorry hormonal pregnant lady here, he lays down with my hugs me and tells me he loves me. Then asks if I know that. Yes I know that or I would have left long ago. The man has no idea what I have given up for him or what dreams I have changed in order to fit him into my life. He still doesn't understand that I do not fit in very well here. Yes people like me, but it is not the same. It is not like I can run over to Kimmy's and cry on her shoulder. She is 300 miles away from me. He doesn't understand that. I have no family here and no one that really understands me. He got all concerned the other day about myspace and me leaving him for someone on there. UMMM no. On his way out the door he tells me that they are going to cut OUR, yes he said OUR milo this afternoon and I should come be part of it. Fine I will go down. What I am going to do I have no idea. I can't drive a grain cart, combine or the big truck. The other truck I can handle. Oh but we don't use that. So I am going to clean house. Maybe write him a letter. Sometimes that is the best way for me to get through to him. Next weekend after I get my hair cut I might go to Colorado. Which I am sure will set him off. He still has this thing with my dad. Stupid since his friends have disrespected him and me so many times and they always get forgiven. But that is another story. Alright I am going to go and get some stuff done around here. It is not a huge mess, but needs some attention.

Ding Dong the douchebag is gone!

Apperantly doing nice things for people gets you shit on. S has been staying with us rent free for about 2 months. He has given us about $150 for food and stuff. Well that is not good enough for him. I yelled at him Sunday for being a slob and gross. He hadn't showered since Friday and was still wearing the same clothes, he leaves chew spitters everywhere and that is just sick. So I layed into him. I was mean, but trust me it could have been so much worse. I don't care either. So Monday they go to look at trucks, no he still has not gotten one and we have one driver waiting. That is another story. Derrick gets home and has food poisoning so we were up late with that. Last night I am standing there talking to Gram and Rose and S shows up. I asked if Derrick was coming home and he was snotty and said "I don't know" Okay fine. Then he walks out with all of his shit. He hugs me and tells me I was right. About what I don't know. Whatever I am right. I guess come to find out him and Derrick got into it. Well, S tells Derrick that he is a dick and blah blah...Derrick is ticked and can't figure out why he gets shit on when he is trying to do nice things for people. Because not everyone is like you are dear. It is in most peoples nature to take advantage of others. I learned long ago that if they shit on you once they will do it again. Derrick was pretty upset and I don't blame him. I actually want to rip into S again. I may if I run across him. That was an asshole thing to do. I have stripped the bed of everything and am washing it all...in HOT water. Then I am going to get this room in order and all cleaned up.

Other than that there is not a whole lot going on here. I am ready for Christmas break. We have a day off in about a week. It is time. The natives are restless. I am going to go start dinner so it will be done when we get home tonight. I called and he is in a grain bin. Doing what I have not a clue. It better not be a milo bin or his ass is grass. I will be up all night again with a sick man.

The envelope says...

Derrick couldn't make it this morning, so I had her put it in an envelope. Baby A is a girl and Baby B is a boy. Backwards from what I thought, but still one of each. She was not totally positive, but Baby B was not shy about it at all, so it must be Derrick's son. My previa has corrected itself, so no more pelvic rest! YAY!!! That means I can get some! PG and no BD is not fun at all!

We moved my Gram to a rehab unit. She is still being a pain and overreacting. But they can make her do things and we don't have to be the bad guy. I am going to go eat my apple jacks and see if I can find something good to watch!

My Broncos lost...and that just started the bad day!

So pretty sure things on the Gram front are shitty. I know she is stubborn and impatient, but damnit. Right now is not the time. She is going to a nursing home, which pisses me off anyway, but it is because she refuses to eat. She wants to go home, but can't because she won't fucking eat. I asked my mom if she understood that this disease could kill her. She said she did, but she doesn't seem to understand the chemo and radiation helped. She is tired of everything tasting bad and having no control. Well guess what, starving to death is going to suck. I am ticked because I can't go up there and shake the shit outta her. I am four hours away and feel guilty. I am also terrified that she is not going to be here anymore. She is probably not going to be here long enough to see my babies, and that is really hard. I was talking to Derrick and I told him I knew that was selfish of me, but he told me is wasn't. He said she is behaving a little selfish. My whole family has always made up a crisis when they feel like it, now we actually have a very serious situation and no one but Mom, Dad, the boys, Derrick and I seem to get that. This is not the usual molehill, this is serious shit. I know that parts of my family just can't handle it, and you know what, I really don't want to either. But guess what, I have too. I am scared that I am going to get that call and I won't have seen her. I can say this is not fair, but cancer is never fair. So I am not going to sit on my pity pot, the rest of my family is doing enough of that for everyone. I am just frustrated and really want to go home and sit in that room and talk to her.

On my home front, it was supposed to rain today, and we got like 5 drops. We have another calf, with it's mommy this time up by the house. That cow is MEAN!!! I went to give the calf a shot and the cow grunted and pawed the ground. The calf is not as cute as Missy Moo, but she is pretty cute. Derrick told me yesterday that he think Missy knows she is a cow. So this morning him and Gramps were feeding the calf with the cow in the chute and I went to see. Well Missy has not clue one she is a cow. She stood next to me and tried to eat and lick my pants, shirt, sucked on my fingers, head butted my legs. I told Derrick she still thinks I am mom. She is such a dolly. Then I went to leave and she chased me and mooed at me. He told me I could have her and decide what we do with her. She is going to get Bangs next spring and we are keeping her.

I spent all day cleaning house. I did pretty good too for the most part. This week I have projects to clean the office up and get stuff filed. It is still a mess. I got Derrick to hang some pictures up and measure for curtains for the living room. We need them badly. I have a three day weekend at the end of the month and I wanted to go to Wichita, but now I am going to go home. My brother got a doggie, a 19 month German Shepherd. Her name is Chaser. I guess the other doggies were pretty dominering of her so she is at my parents now. Dad said she is tall and lanky, unlike my petite Beanster and the fatso Lily. Speaking of animals, we have inherited the two kitties the Rose brought home. They like me better I guess, and my husband can't figure out why all strays come to me. It is my nature I guess. I better go make some dinner and feed Missy Moo.

Weekend update

My nice relaxing weekend did not go as planned. I had big plans to look at cribs, carseats, all sorts of baby stuff. I managed to get a new computer and a few new shirts. Oh and new bras. I am not liking that part. I like my boobs they way they were. Derrick likes them now, but come on. It is all for the good though. Saturday we were going to get my Gram and go to this awesome place in Lousiville. We have been going there since my Gram was little, and it is a family tradition. Anyway, Saturday Mom and I were walking from Macy's to PF Changs to eat and my aunt called. Gram fell. Noots went and got her up and got her all under control. Did I mention that she is supposed to be using a walker? Not using it. We eat and go home. The next morning I am sitting on the end of my parents bed talking to them and the phone rings. It was like 8. Gram fell again, my other aunt was going over there. 45 minutes later it rang again. She fell again! So this time we decided to take her in. My aunt said the walker was in the corner, not in use. So I got to make my second trip the the ER in 7 days. I walk back with mom and Toots (we have terrible nicknames) and the only thing my Gram notices...my boobs. Are you kidding? You haven't eaten since Friday and that is what you are worried about? I laughed. Turns out her potassium was way low so they admitted her. I made her eat, nothing tastes good and she gets overwhelmed I think. She had another MRI yesterday and the brain mets are almost gone. WAHOO! Nothing new, and very little residual. She is sore, duh, and cranky. Needless to say I didn't get Blue Parrot or any baby stuff done. Oh well. I will live. I swear she better behave.

Corn picking started last night. Derrick took me on a combine date. Those are fun. I am one of the few women that have been here as long as I have and still loves to ride in the field with her honey. It is wonderful alone time for us and I actually like to see it. Then stupid came home and started asking all these bookkeeping questions. Dude, that is my job and I happen to be good at is so shut the hell up. Derrick told him to let me worry about it and he would get what he needed.

I am off to fold some clothes and relax. I have had a headache for a few days. Can't imagine why....