MONDAY IS TOO CLOSE!!

So not even done with all my stuff from last summer and I am thinking of stuff for this summer. I am entirely sure I am going to be writing a paper on Hawthorne, one on sexist language and the history of it, and one on either Kate Chopin or Willa Cather. I know I have to do a case study of the Awakening. Which is totally fine because I love that novel. I have got to get at least one finished by Monday and some shit read. OMG my profs will kill me if I am unprepared. Undergrad I got away with it, but grad school....no way in hell.

On the other front, I am already tired of meds. The BCP make me wanna yak. I hate it. I don't remember this side effect when I was on it way back when. But a little over three more weeks. I start Lupron the day before Derrick's bday. Last time the day after I had a migraine. I actually slept in the bus for 2 hours at district speech. OMG I hope that doesn't happen this time. This is it for us, it better be. I am tired of being a pincushion. I shouldn't bitch, others have been through way more. I just never thought it would have to come to this. Okay I never wished. In the back of my mind I always knew that something was up. For shit's sake I had like 7 periods in all 4 years of high school. I still only have like 7 or 8 a year now. My hormones were fucked up back then. Why did no one say, hmmm PCOS looks like a good possibility? Because they didn't want to take the time to test it. FUCK...Now I am 27, and I have one close friend, who I see like twice a year, without kids. Around here, they want to feel for me, but have no idea. We do have one friend that offered to be a surrogate. I cried. I can get pg, I just have to stay that way. No one should have to do this. It blows. I hate it. But in the end I will be stronger. We will be great parents. I know that. That is what keeps me going.

Houston we are ready for take off!

We have a protocol, and a date. July 13th is the FET day!!! I know Friday the 13th. What makes it even better is that is my cousin's anniversary. HEHEHE. It is going to be so much fun to rub that one in her face. Really I cannot wait. I know that is mean and nasty of me, but she is a big fat bitch and has rubbed her fertility in my face. So I am just gonna let her have it. Our kids were not accidents, and they will not be forced to live their lives with worthless parents that are so selfish they cannot even find the time to work to give their children things. They expect everyone to take care of them. It will be so much fun to take pictures of my house, my furniture, and let her know that we have things and yes we were able to pay for our fertility and still have all of this. I am going to bask in the glow.

Summer is here and that means that we are busy. I start grad school Monday and have not read a damn thing. I am still writing three papers from last summer. Tomorrow Derrick has got to go and I can write away. On the other hand since it poured last night, we are going to have a hell of a wheat harvest. I am so excited. It has been a few years and it has really kicked our asses. He is talking about going to Oklahoma for 10 days and cutting, which mean custom cutting. He needs another project like he needs a hole in his head. But it also means that he will come home with some pretty good cash. I am thinking enough to pay the hay trailer off. Then that POS truck (that is in the fucking shop again) and the trailer will be paid off. With harvest we need to make a BIG land payment. Of course the best wheat year is the off year where we plant less. Sucks, but we will take it. He also said something about new furniture. We have had the same couch since 2000. It is still in good shape, just does not go with the new house. Fourth of July has great furniture sales. So that is my plan. Okay, I have to find out what book and chapter I have to have read for Monday. If it is Little Women shoot me now.

Oh yeah...remember the accident...here are the pics!!

Fun day on the Farm!!!

I ended up spending most of the day helping swath hay. Yes being a farmer's wife involves getting dirty quite often. Our hay is along the creek where a whole buttload of tree branches broke during the ice storm, so Gramps and I rode the 4 wheeler and got them out of the way. In the process Derrick plugged the swather a bunch of times. I am so sore!!! We had to pull hay out of it and it sucked. At least we are going to have more bales out of our first cutting than all of the cutting together from last year. That means that we can sell some of it and get some stuff paid off. Then we were going along and right beside the 4 wheeler is a fawn. My dogs thought it was fun to try to chase him. He was pretty new and had a hard time walking. Derrick had to save it from the dogs and gave him to me. If his mommy doesn't come get him, I am gonna and bottle feed it just like we do with calves. I hid him in the grass by a tree. She was on her way when she heard him cry, then she saw us and took off. He was so cute. Of course I had no fricking camera with me, so sorry no pic. I am gonna take one down and take pics of the dogs helping lead DH around. They are really cute when they think they are helping. We have these weeds that bite too!! OMG, both my hands got smacked with one and it feels like I got stung by a bee. I love to be out and feel like I am helping on the farm. I can't do a whole lot, but I like to help. I don't get to be the summer fallow queen though, the FET put me out of the running for that one. My dad is happy, that means he gets to come out and do it. He grew up on a farm and loves it when we need him to help. That also means that my mom comes out and helps with the landscaping and stuff. She has the best yard and I love for her to help me. It is fun. I wanted to grill for dinner but it is super windy. They do say Kansas is windy cause Oklahoma sucks and Nebraska blows!! LMAO!! I teach in Nebraska so I can say that! So much for getting the office cleaned. I did get the toilet paper holder and towel bar put up in the master bath all by myself. I know I am a stud! Watch out world, Dana has a drill. Now if I could figure out how to hook up the AC all by myself we would be in business. I have a feeling it involves the crawl space and there is no way in hell I am going down there. But I am also going to throw a royal fit if I have to be on lupron with no AC. DH will get my foot up his ass. I told him that and explained I am not going to have hot flashes or be pg with no AC. He agreed. I think my hot flashes scare him!!!

AF is FINALLY in the house

and she is kicking my ass. I got the bathrooms cleaned, the hardwood cleaned. If you ever build a house with over 1500 sqft of hardwood, hire someone to clean the damn floors. It is the biggest pain ever. They are beautiful, but I hate cleaning them. Laundry is in the works and I have a huge office clean up project for tomorrow and next week.

I have one more work day at school, then I am done till August. This last week was terrible. I lost three former students in a car accident. One of them graduated this year, and his twin brother survived. I had every child in that family and their mom is my u/s tech. Needless to say I was devastated. The other two were 05 grad. I knew them all. The viewing was the hardest part. Getting myself there took 20 minutes. THen my senior girls were there and had been taking turns all day, they teared up and I lost it. I felt so bad, but they know I am human and they know how close I was to him. Then the insensitivity of some makes me crazy. I teach in a fairly small town, so when people ask about the accident I tend to tear up. Friday night someone started asking and Derrick told them to not, it makes me cry. I just wish so much that we would have gone to the rod run this year. I could have seen them and gave them all hugs. I know that it would not have made any difference, but I could have seen them alive one more time. This is not fair. How many people do I have to bury that I love? I am done, and damnit I deserve to be. I counted the other day and starting with Wanda, I have been to or lost 11 people in the last two years. I quit, I am done. I just can't handle it right at this moment.

On the bright side of life, I am an Auntie. Kimmy had her little boy Friday at 4:27 pm. Brycen was 7 lbs 1 oz and 19 inches long. I am so pumped. I kinda feel bad for her cause everyone and their dog wanted to be in there and was the whole time she was in labor. It was like mania. I know because I called Justin to see how she was and I could hear them. I feel so bad for her. I am so glad that we will be delivering four hours from our parents and 1 hour from anyone else. I told Derrick that under no circumstance do I want a parade of people in there when I am in labor. I want him. If our moms were there I could handle them too, but no friends. They can wait outside. Or they can just stay the hell home. If we get multiples we will be in Denver anyway, so my mom would be the closest. No one else!!! I called my nurse this morning, and I start BCP on Tuesday. If what I think I heard her say last week is right, my FET will be on Derricks birthday (June 15th). He got so pumped when I told him that. I have a very cute honey. Okay, I am going to catch up on some things, and possibly go to the flower store. I have not gotten to play in the dirt yet and it is making me bananas!!

I wanna go shop!!!

I have the urge to shop, again. But this time I am in Colorado where I can make good on the urge. That may be bad. Derrick told me to go get barstools. I found some awesome ones at Linens and Things. Dad changed my brake pads on my car. Now I am waiting for mt best friend to call so we can walk that baby out of her and shop. Fun huh. Normally I avoid pregnant people like the plague, but she is my best friend and has been very supportive of everything. She has even looked stuff up. I could not ask for a better fertile friend. She is awesome. Now if she would just have my nephew I would be happy.

I can't get on to post at school anymore, they blocked it totally. I can look, but no posting, I suck. I am ready for school to be out. The kids are ready too, and they are basically refusing to do anything, and I don't blame them. So we are watching movies in German, and they are in German. Drama is cleaning and speech is getting ready for OID. Fantastic fun. Then grad school starts...ahhhh I get to hang out with other literary geeks like me. It will be awesome.

I really don't have a ton to say today, so I am going to go and see if Kimmy is ready to go!

I got to spend almost all day outside!! Yay for me!!

So usually I teach in a cave with no windows. BTW I think it was like 90 in there when I went to get something today. I am gonna melt. Did I mention no ac? Anyway, I put sunscreen on and my shoulders still burned. Great! Not bad, but red. I will live. I was just happy to be outside. Now if I could get a yard started, I could really spend some time outside. Oh wait, I have papers to write. Speaking of papers. I got a B+ on my last one. I just don't get why if it is that close I can't have an A. But it was a good paper. I am going to do the revisions and submit it to a journal, and hopefully get printed. That would make my day.

Still no AF. I told Derrick that last night and he asked if I was going to POAS. I explained that I had all the symptoms, and he LISTED them!!! LMAO! It is kinda sad that my husband knows more about how a woman's body works than most women. I guess that happens with IF.

No movie last night, and tonight I got some homework done. I am checking up on the day and writing this. I am hoping that this will inspire me to write on a paper, but it hasn't worked so far. I know I don't want to write when I can think of cleaning instead. That is a clear cut sign of writers block. So I can only hope the muse will descend soon.

Did I mention I have another friend pregnant? I do. I am trying so hard to not do the why not me. But I can here. When is it my turn? They are great parents. Actually when they told Derrick they tried not to make a big deal of it. When he told me I tried so hard not to get the look on my face and be happy. Derrick told me that no matter how I tried he knew how I was feeling. So I had dreams last night about everyone around me with babies and me holding a petri dish. I am losing it. I want so bad to be happy and I do a good job when it is people that deserve it. I told DH that I wasn't going to be around pg people that bitch about it. He named the one I was thinking, but said he understood. She had a miscarriage too, but gets mad if anyone talks about it. I need to talk about it sometimes. It is part of healing. I am ready for my turn to be a mommy. Now if AF would get her sorry ass here, I could get started.

Gonna have GAS!!!

Pretty sure God is testing me. He wants to see just how strong I am. I hope I am passing with flying colors. Besides the IF that I deal with daily why not toss some more heart ache into the mix. Derrick's grandpa passed away early this morning. We got the call about 2:45. I know that he is in a better place. He was in pain and miserable. I cried falling asleep. I am mostly worried about Grandma. She has been so tough, but I worry that is me.

So I have all the AF symptoms, but to AF. Really, I need her to show so the PMS is gone before Saturday. My SIL (the one that dislikes me) graduates. I just don't know if I can handle that right now. Hmmmmm....since my bridal shower she has been a meanie. That was three year ago! Wow, I can't believe we have been married that long, and I can't believe we have spent 2/3 of it trying to have a baby.

Gonna go make dinner...nothing super yummy, cheeseburger, deviled eggs (I am gonna be rotten), and pasta salad. Derrick should be here in a bit. Then we are gonna watch Flicka!

Figured out why we couldn't get there!

For those that don't know Greensberg was devestated Friday night by a massive tornado. Besides the fact that we have VERY close friends there, we would have driven right though it if we would have been on time, not broken down and not in an accident. Would have been really bad. It was windy the way it was and that was 12 hours later and 30 miles north. Even Sunday you could see the effects in other places. THERE WERE PEOPLE FISHING IN THE DITCHES!!! We got a much needed laugh.

Grandps in bad. There is no other way to describe that. He has a matter of days. I am so glad we got to say our goodbyes. I wanted to stay and take care of everything, cause that is my nature. Take care of everyone but me. We went to the Olive Garden for my birthday, and did a little shopping for curtains. My family is taking this very hard. I am very worried. I want to go back and help, but there is really nothing for us to do. I could at least sit with Gram and do the aide's work for her. That is what I would like to be doing. But I have to work and finish some homework!

I wrote this sitting in the sleeper, had to or I would forget!

I will have to post this when I get internet. What a night. Wendy you will appreciate this, and so will Scott. So we leave for Dodge with a load of cattle at about 10 last night, we got to Dodge and oh the line. There were like 6 trucks in line to unload their moo cows so we can eat them. We did not unload until 3 or so. We then go to the truck stop to sleep and Derrick shuts the truck down (oh yeah did I mention that we have two broken fan belts) turns the lights off and I hear the horn and BAM. Some jackass cuts a corner way to close and smashed into the front driver side with his trailer. Pops the hood up and does some damage to the wheel well. Cops came, guy was way jumpy. Then he gets all pissed cause on of the trailer tires is halfway on the road. He drove by us twice before he hit us. I kinda wish DOT would have come out and tested both of them. Derrick would have been clean unless the test for Copenhagen. The other guy I am not so sure about. We go back to the unloading place and sleep. We have to go to Wichita and wait for a call about where to get more moo cows. Derrick is beside himself. He has never been in a wreck before in a big truck. In 9 years he has never done that. Then this morning we had to drop the trailer to pull into the fixer place, and the air hoses got caught or something and we have to fix that too. He is pissed at everything.

To top it all off his grandpa is in the hospital in Wichita dying and we can’t seem to get there. Then come to find out there was a whole crap load of tornadoes on 54 and it is closed due to damage and the town there is pretty much squished. Or that was the rumor in the truck stop. I have to pee and am hungry. But I hate peeing at the fixer place. Not that I am shy, since I peed waiting for the scales at the beef plant. But I just will stay here till we go somewhere else. Guys pee in bottles and that is so not fair. If I tried that there would be pee all over the sleeper. Major kudos to the guys here they are already working on it and we have been here 15 minutes. We pulled in and they were popping the hood.

It seems like we have taken a whole lot of knocks lately. I know that God only hands you what you can handle, but come on. I am handling quite a bit and quite well. Derrick is not as good as it as I am. He gets off kilter a little easier than I do. But when I am off kilter it is not good. I have tried so hard to stay on, and right now I have to be strong for my husband. He was so good when my granddad died and when we had the miscarriage, now it is my turn. It is going to take everything I have to walk into that hospital and not ask questions. I want to know damnit. I am taking the girilos shopping today for their birthday’s. Derrick wondered if Dianne would be there. I can’t see why not unless she is studying for finals. She better be nice and not do the all about me thing. I will have words if she pulls that shit. This is about grandpa. I am worried about Grandma and Ron. This sucks. Derrick is sure that there is something keeping us from being there. I don’t know what to tell him.

BTW the guy that owns this truck never vacuums it or cleans it. EWWWWW. I am going to throw crap away and maybe run some armor all wipes it I am going to be in here for the next few days. It is icking me out! Nice pete, but I so get the peterpuller thing now! Like I told Derrick, I am positive I like the W9 he had when we first started dating (he worked for a harvest crew and drove truck in the winter) way better. I like the dash, sleeper, and everything better. Yes Pete’s look cool on the outside, but I would rather be in a comfy truck.

Derrick just left to move more cows to Dodge. He was home last night for my birthday. We rode the harley to Colby to eat. Probably not one of my better ideas. It was freezing on the way home. Fun, but cold. It was a wonderful birthday. My first period decorated my room, brought breakfast. It was awesome. DH sent me flowers, and one of my advanced kids brought me some. I had a pretty good day.

Today was not so much on the good side. We did decide to move the play back two weeks since we are just not ready. Then DH calls and says "you know how Gpa Sip broke his hip last week..." No I don't cause no one told me. Anyway, he goes on to tell me that gpa fell, broke his hip and now he is in the hospital and it is not good. He is being fed with a feeding tube, goes in and out of conciousness. They told everyone that it would probably be a few days. It could be that he will snap out of it though. So if he gets a load to Wichita, I am meeting him there Saturday morning. Or he will come home and we go together. This sucks. Derrick is upset, but won't let anyone know. I can see it, I am his wife for goodness sake. I have to be the strong one this time.

Major meltdowns lately over anything to do with babies. I boycotted anything to do with my cousin. Then my mom goes and puts my name on the gift. I want to tell her to get a fucking job. It is not fair that they can barely afford themselves and they get three. I can't even get one. But that is water under the bridge. Dh was really good when I threw a fit and sobbed for 45 minutes the other night. Might have had something to do with the flowers. Her baby shower (second in 2 weeks) is this weekend, my mom is trying to get out of it. I got out of it cause I refuse to go, and I have a family emergency. I want AF to start so I can get going on my FET.

I am hungry so I am going to make dinner.

Looking back, sitting on the pity pot for a minute...

I guess I just always assumed that by the time I was 27 we would have at least one baby and maybe be working on 2. Instead I am going through hell and have gone through hell to even get there. Recap real quick, since I was 18 I have had severe cervial dysplasia, one colposcope to diagnosis it, a freeze that made it worse, and a laser of 60 % of mycervix. Which has healed nicely 7 years later. Never had a regular period in all my life. Oh didn't start till I was damn near 15. See a pattern here? Went on BCP to make them regular, got really anemic went to 4 periods a year, major pelvic pain, no more BCP and a lap at 25. Mild endo and aednomeiosis(whatever that is). Ob says get PG now or you are going to have a hard time...2 years later no baby. August of 06 DH gets tested cause that is the next logical step, low count, second test still low, third better count shity morph. Seriously can we get a break. Find out the best clinic in the country is in Denver, great since I am from Loveland and it is an hour away. But we live in freaking Kansas. So three hours, no biggie. More blood, ultrasounds, invasive exams. Hey you have PCO! Great now we know what is wrong, and we can try IUI, but it probably won't work. DH's next sample was bad too, so ICSI here we come. Wait there was a blizzard in December and we couldn't get to our appt. So we wait another month. Perfect cycle. The one thing that my body does right is produce eggs and lots of them. Great lining, great eggs, great fert. Transfer one. Get pg, low progesterone level. Lose pg at 5 weeks exactally. For real. This is unreal to me. Then I find out this week that we have a 7th, yes a 7th grader that is knocked up. OMG I didn't want to think about sex then. I was barely french kissing. Oh and we have a 10th grader pregnant. Since we don't teach sex ed, I see why, but why them? Why not me? It is not fair and it sucks. On the up side I love my RE he is wonderful and very caring. Derrick is great most of the time. I just think he is not sure how to deal with all of this and gets overwhelmed easy. Me, I do everything under the damn sun and run myself ragged.

Tomorrow is my birthday YAY! Can I be 21 forever? I liked that age. It was fun. I am tired of dreading the mail because of medical bills. I better get flowers that is all there is to it.