So this weekend was not great...

actually instead it ended up sucking. Saturday was fine, I did hair and makeup for prom. We went to promenade then to play cards. Got home at 3 am Sunday morning. We were supposed to ride to Hays on the Harley, look at furniture, blinds, go out to eat for my birthday which is Wedensday. DH got a job delievering a loader to a guy about 1 hour away. So that means he needed to be up by 9 to be home by 12 so we could go. Pretty sure I couldn't get him up till 11:45. I rode with, but that is not the point. By the time we got home it was 4:30 or so. That gave us enough time to ride to hays and back. FUN...so we stayed home. I made dinner and he took a nap. He was tired. Whatever. I guess that after 7 years of this I should be used to it, and I am, but it still hurts everytime it happens. I was so dissapointed. With everything else that is going on, we need some alone time. Oh well, he promised next sunday. I better get flowers this week.

Cranky is back and it smells in here!!!

So the crankiness is back. I have not a clue what is up, but it is not good and I am tired of it. He is just so moody. He will be fine then one little thing sets him off and then he is pissed and drags it out forever! It is driving me crazy. He went to Wichita with a friend today, not happy about it, cause the more he hangs out with this person, the more I want to slug him and the grumpier he is. It is almost like he wants to go back to the party days and not be tied down. He will do what he wants when he wants and he doesn't care who wants him to do what, he is in total control. He actually told me last night he was going to start putting his foot down about things he wants. Ummm alright, then I will put my foot down and we will just see. It is like a pissing contest. Needless to say I did not sleep worth a crap. Then I get to school this morning and senior prank time. Usually they are harmles. Not this time. Poop, stink bait, oil on the floors, acetone on the floor of the girls locker room, broken desks, books everywhere. It is not pretty and fairly destructive.

To top it all of I talked to my mom this weekend. My cousin is pg with twins. She has a 1 year old and is due in July. Anyway, neither her or he POS husband have a job. They have been refused by medicaid because they are more than capeable of working, they are just lazy. So I am supposed to go to two baby showers for her, not going to either. If she dares to call and ask why, this is my response, "First of all I work for a living and I have things that I have to do those weekends. Second of all, I refuse to support or condone you and your DH begging from our family for things and money when you are perfectly capeable of finding a job and supporting your family. Yes I understand that making 9 or 10 bucks and hour sucks, but it is better than nothing. It would put food on the table. DO you realize that your children are going to be in need for everything. Twins are expensive and if they are not early and don't need special care, they are still going to cost a ton. Tell your husband to get off his lazy ass, get a job and provide for his family. Your life is the way it is becasue of the choices you have made, not because anyone did anything to you. Take reponsibility for your actions and get off your pity pot. And if you even think about asking Gram for money I will shove my foot so far up you ass it will come out your mouth. I won't be the only one. Get over yourself and do something for you and your family." I am so sick of everyone in my family wanting people to feel sorry for them and blaming everyone else for all of their problems. it drives me nuts. But then again I had to go to therapy and had to look at myself, so I get it.

Moving up in the cranky world

We only had one cranky moment last night. It was so nice. And it wasn't that bad of a cranky moment. So that is good. Maybe his massive PMS is leaving. I can only hope.

I finished a very good draft of one paper. That means that I have two in for review. WAHOOO two more to go. I feel so relieved.

We might go to Wichita this weekend. My SIL is not going to her prom, I wish she would, I don't want her to regret not going. But we are going to have to go down and help with some stuff since we are moving Grandpa into a secure Alzheimers unit. I guess he has just gotten mean and nasty. There is no way a nursing home can contain him and he can't be at home. So our project is to start tearing into the basement at the IL so we can put another bedroom down there and grandma can stay with my IL's . Derrick wants to go see the place, and so do I. That and I need to get out of Selden. It is making up both very cranky.

Speaking of dirt and concrete

Apperantly DH has decided how to do the yard. Not his area, but anyway. Our basement, which was already there and used to be its own house with no upper lever leaks. So we have to pour concrete in front of the house and we are going to pour a drive on the east side. That is great, I can go into the house after parking my car and never step in mud. The concrete in front is so that the other house won't leak. I think it is going to look stupid. On the west I can plant trees and bushes and stuff. I think I might make another space between the concrete and the grass for some bushes, but that will look stupid too. GRRRRR. I guess I am going to have to get some planters....lots of planters. Bushes by the road and in front of gparents house. If his aunt thinks I am leaving the whiskey barrels over at the old house she has another thing coming, they are moving and soon. I need to call the sprinkler guy and get that rolling too. We might need to have that done before the concrete gets done. Since we have a way lower back yard than from yard. I will make it work and it will look good, because I am just good that way.

I am having another one of those days. I don't feel that great, woke up with a headache, took stuff, and it is alright, but I would rather be at home. DH is still pretty cranky, he was better last night since he was busy all day. Maybe it is just me. I know he doesn't mean it, but dang, sometimes his tone is just nasty with me. It gets old. I think we need some time away, together with NO friends. Why is it when guys hang out with certain people they start acting like them? It drives me nuts. I think that cattle hauling thing will be good for him, it will keep him busy. And then when he comes home he will want to see me. Sometimes I feel like he comes home just to eat. He could care less if I am there or not. Something is up with him and I don't know what, but it is going to drive me crazy.

Changes and more Changes!!

More rain....not complaining since we have been so dry for so long, but I would like to get my dirt work done so we can pour concrete and get ready for sprinklers. Mud is not fun. I have a short week this week today and tomorrow with students, then Thursday I have to work the music contest. I am in a practice room, so I can bring my laptop and write away!!! I can finish Claude and start on my drama paper. Then I will have two of the four done. WAHOOO!!

DH was very cranky last night. Very cranky. The man that lines up the hay hauling jobs is totally screwing him over. He won't give DH any of the big jobs since he hired someone else. We own our own truck and trailer, so the guy only makes a little off the hay DH hauls. I get that, but this guy wanted Derrick to get his own stuff so he could take over most of the business, now he is screwing Derrick over. DH bitched all night, and I got the brunt of it. After dinner he apologized and told me his new plan. In the next six months he wants to trade our POS truck and maybe the trailer in on a new truck. Not a brand new one, but a newer one. Then he wants a bull rack so he can be a full time cow mover. It is a whole lot more money, he will just be gone a little more. After the winter that we had and the amount of money that has gone into the truck, we need the money. I am not at all excited about the idea of him being gone more. I kinda like him. LOL! He is busy in the summer since he is a farmer, but being busy during the winter would be good. With everything that is going on IF wise and not being able to work wise, he is really down. He doesn't want anyone to know that, but he is. We talked about it a little last night. I am a little worried about him, but I know that if he can get to working all the time, and get stuff to do he will be a whole lot happier. I wish I could talk him into relaxation and meditaion with me. I think it would help him so much. It has helped me!!!

Ahhhh..another 3 day weekend

not because the cancelled school, but because my car said NO and slid backwards down a hill. The Ford wouldn't have made it if I would have been driving. The Bronco had a hard time last night. Our road is not mud it is snot. Gross. So I stayed home and layed around, got a few more pages written. Now I am stuck again. Silly Claude Wheeler.

WE went into town last night to play cards. It was fun. Then as we all started to go out. Two of our friends, started asking how we were. I was honest. I am not alright, but I will be. They think that we should tell everyone this time. DH and I are not telling anyone. Our parents. Derrick then started to explain the things that we don't want to hear and they said, " well you know it is God's will." yes we understand that. But I pray for this everyday, and pray hard. I beg. He begs. We have been through hell. It sucks. This sucks. For someone that has never been through IF, they can not tell me that it is God's will. I know that, and I believe that he wants us to be parents. We will be, sooner than later. We are going out tonight. Dinner and a movie I think. I want to go to Hays and eat, shop, hit Home Depot for tile. Curtains, the good stuff. Right now I am going to finish my chores and call the theatre.

When it rains it pours...

I am working on being a better person and acceptance. I am doing pretty good so far. The hardest thing is to let go of things I have been holding onto for years. I am trying though. This week of course has sucked bad. Yesterday was one of the worst. I had someone tell me, after I asked them to stop, that a former student was pg. Not married, not ready, etc. I actually said stop don't tell me anything to this person when she said "guess who is pg!" Do people not understand the concept of no, don't. I walked down the hall crying. WTF! As the day went on I was better. Then I get home, and get the mail. There is something from my aunt, I think it is an Easter card so I open it, oh no not a card!!! My cousin's baby shower invite. She is having twins and has a one year old. I sat on the kitchen floor and lost it. I can't go anyway cause that is performance weekend. I couldn't anyway, cause I am in no way emotionally or mentally ready for something like that. My family is crazy and I am afraid that if I don't go, I will hear how selfish I am and I should be happy for her and blah blah blah. No one even knows what is going on with me, which is fine. I don't want them to. I don't want them to feel sorry for me, or pretend to and then act like they are better than me. That is how they are. I have done pretty good at accepting that, I am just not going to be part of it.

We are in a winter storm warning. It is April. We are supposed to get a foot of snow. I told Derrick to get the generator out just in case. If is snows it better do a good job so school get cancelled. I would love to stay home with DH and snuggle. Or write! I have a ton of ideas (got them trying to go to sleep). AF is letting up. Which is good, I am about tired of it. I get my blood drawn today, and I hope it has gone to 0. That way I know we are done with that phase of my life. The truck should be out of the shop today, and I hope they get some stuff done before more moisture. Maybe next week DH can move cows. We need to get in the fields and spray and work ground, Oh but it is to wet or windy. To wet is not a problem if we are going to keep getting it, but I hate the wind.

Maybe gross, but I have to tell someone

The miscarriage started yesterday. Not pretty, lots of blood. I was very upset, and still am, but nothing unlike a regular cycle except a whole lot more blood. go figure. Then this morning at school of course, I go to the bathroom and start passing clots. The first one was the kind of ER and miscarriage, and the second was the one that made me lose it. It was the kind of clot that got sent to pathology if I would have been in the ER. I was definetly something. I lost it right there. I hate this. Yes I hate it. I just dealt with other forms of hate on my way home, but this is something that is entirely different. Of course this week is Baby think it over. They can't be in my room. I cannot handle it. And I don't think I should have to. I made my list of resentments last night. The first person I have to make amends to is myself. Most of the resentments were toward myself. Funny huh. I know most won't get it, but one of the best therapies is the 12 steps. I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic and I know them well. So it is time to start working them again. I am good through step 4. You can't move on until you complete one. So I am working on it. I ordered some meditation CD's today. I have to get my mind right, so I can be healthy. Mental health is a relative term. I decided to make peace with my demons. The betrayal of friends, the loss of part of myself as a result, my inability to trust, my hatred of that person. I have to put them to rest for good. I feel like I got a pretty good start on the way home. I said my resentments out loud, and asked myself for forgiveness. I asked myself to ask God for forgiveness. This is hard and I know it, but I have to do it. I will be better for it in the long run. So here I go off to make dinner and see what time my honey will be home!

Still broken, but on my way to repair.

There is no way around it, this sucks. Anyone that has ever had to live through it knows that this is hell. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It is crap. I forgot to ask about the number being at 0, oops. I will ask when I call my nurse, or if she calls me back. I should have started that with my RE called. He was wonderful and very kind. We have plan B FET in place. I am supposed to call as soon as my period starts, then I start BCP on day 3 and create a calender. That made me feel better. We will thaw 5 of the 10 we have and transfer 3. OMG 3!!! The rate of trips is less than 5% so I am good with that. We are looking at the middle or the end of May. I will be almost done with school, and ready to start Grad school for the summer, which is suprizingly relaxing for me. I love being a student I would do it full time if someone else would foot the damn bill. In the meantime, I am going to start accu and keep clensing my life of toxic things. I am going to get my papers done. I am almost there on two. I have one submitted to my prof for help, and am on pg 11 of another one. Then I have two more. Haven't even started. I will get there though. I am such a procrastinator!!! Naughty me.

I feel better, and I can do this. I know I can. I have to do somethings for myself, and they involve things I never thought I would do. I am going to try to be a better person, so I am going to call a truce with some people. I am not saying that her and I are going to be friends, but we have to have the ability to be civil. I can do that, but there are going to be boundaries, and lots of them. I am not going out of my way to make this happen, it will just happen. I have to let go of some things and move on. Holding grudges is not healthy and I am going to be healthy. I have been through therapy and I have those tools, so it is time to use them. This is one of them. My next project is resentments and amends. That is a big one.

I. broken....

I don't know what to think, feel, say, or do. I just hurt and cry. This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to stay pregnant and have a baby. Not lose it. It hasn't even started yet, so I am sure the day that AF shows I am going to be a basketcase. I am already. Dr. S called today and said we didn't have to wait. After my beta goes to 0 and I have one normal period I can do a FET. I guess I am going to have to pick myself up and keep going. I have no choices. I can turn inward, which is already happening. Derrick and I really haven't talked about it. I am kinda afraid to. We both know that we want to do the FET asap. I just don't want to feel this pain. It sucks. No one should have to go through this ever. This is bullshit and that is all there is.

It is freaking snowing!!!

It is April and it is snowing. I am ready for spring. Or if it is going to snow, let us go home. It is cold and I want to go snuggle up on the couch or in my bed. Dr. S said I can take a phenergan for my cough tonight. It won't hurt anything and I cannot stop coughing. But I have to wait until I get home cause it makes me so sleepy. I got up this morning simply because Derrick was snoring like a banchee. Holy cow, he is so loud!!! he sounded like a truck being started. Then after I get up he rolls on his side and stops. I could have slugged him. I have so much to do. I need to clean the floors and bathrooms. Then after I get my secretary I can put more stuff away, and my house will look a little more put together.

On the pg front, I discovered that the chicken fried steak I made last night was a no go. Nothing sounds good right now. I think it mostly has to do with the cold. I am exhausted, which I don't know if it is because I am pg or because I am on a massive amount of progesterone. I want to sleep and sleep. Maybe if I do that I will feel lots better. I am going home and doing floors, folding clothes, cleaning the bathrooms and sleeping. I think Derrick will want to play cards, so I can get some things done. I am ready for my curtains to go up!!! It will make my house look homey.

Still going up, just slowly

today besides the fact that the little ass that drew my blood totally bruised me and left a big knot on my vein. I am pretty sure the vein in my left arm is shot. The guy was a guy that I didn't know and had to be a temp or new. I am gonna aask Collette on Friday. I am going to make damn sure she is there when I go in. I know she knows what she is doing. Anyway my BETA was 40. Not quite doubled, and not to 100, but going upwards. I am happy just a little nervous. I still feel icky, now it is moving into my chest. That concerns me since I get bronchitis really easy. Derrick is sick too. He has a really bad head and chest cold. He was already in his pj's on the couch in a blanket when I got home at 6:00. He whined all night long. He hardly ever gets sick, so he can be a baby. I did have to pull the I am pregnant and sick card when he asked me to rub his feet. He asked is I was going to do that for the next 9 months. Nope just when I don't want to do something. I am craving chicken fried steak so that is what we are having for dinner. Mexican night at the bar sounds good though. I just can't take all of the smoke in there. So we are going to eat and watch Eurotrip. We started it and both fell asleep. Is it the weekend yet? We have a four day weekend, and my parents are coming to help me hang curtains and the outside lights. Derrick and I cannot figure out the curtains my mom made, so she has to come and help. I am meeting my parents at my Gram's to get my seretary FINALLY. And what ever else I want.

Oh happy days!!!

I am in a fantasic mood. Finally, I am officially pg!!! My level was only 28 and my progesterone was 20. So I of course have a second draw Wednesday morning. This time I am going to Colby cause they get stuff done much faster!!! Then I have to hurry back and rate speeches. WHOA!!! That and I have to do PIO and prometrium. I don't care as long as this little guy sticks!!! I called my mom and asked her if she was ready to be a grandma! She is so happy. Derrick called his mom and had to talk to his dad cause Karen was driving, he said he could hear her asking millions of questions. Well, Ron told her to "chill out Grandma they are pg". The only other person I told was Kimmy, she SCREAMED!!

I guess Grandpa freaked out after the sale. He saw people taking stuff after the auction and got really mean and totally freaked out. They took him to the home last night and that is where my inlaws were on the way home from. It is better for now, I just hope he is not there long, or it could be really bad.

My allergies are still making me nuts, and eventhough she said I can take something, I am not gonna. I am going to give the bean every single chance possible to snuggle down in there good!!! I am tired as all get out. I really want to go home and sleep. Derrick finally got home last night from a wild goose chase the last two days. Hay hauling is the order of the rest of the week. Which is good, cause he will be home and before 11:30.

Is it 5:00 yet?

So I had my labs drawn this morning, and come to find out, they have to be sent to North Platte. So the results won't get back until early evening. I so wish that I would have stayed an gone to the RE this morning or called in sick and gone to Colby. I know they can run a BETA there on site. So I am mad at myself. I am tired of waiting. Derrick is getting loaded somewhere east of Wichita and then on his way back to Hoxie. So he will be home tonight. I made him call me every hour last night to make sure he was alright while he was driving the four hours east from Dodge. I could not sleep, mostly cause I was worried about him falling asleep and that I am excited, scared, nervous about my results. My friend from school wants me to call her today no matter what, but I don't think I can. I love her to death, but I know what she is going to say and it involves this being God's will and it will happen in time. I cannot hear that from anyone. I told Kim yesterday when she asked me if I would be alright if it was negative, "No, but I have to be. I will have to pick myself up and keep going. I have to make myself alright." I also told her that there was no way I can talk to Heid. I love her, but she can be very judgmental and thinks she understands and she has no idea. I have to call my mom and Derrick's mom. We have orders to call my MIL. I am going to be nutso before the day is over.

Seriously, Monday cannot get here soon enough!!

I know that wishing for a Monday is taboo, but for goodness sake!! I haven't cheated, mostly cause there are no HPT's at my mom's house and I have been to busy with the shower to go get one. I am so nervous, and scared to death.

The baby shower went awesome. It was fun and I got to see some friends that I hadn't seen since my wedding. I can't believe that we are this grown up. It seems like yesterday that we were in high school. Next year will be 10 years. OMG!!! It does not seem possible. It is amazing that my best friend is still the same person I sat next to simply because my last name was Terry and hers was Uhrich in 6th grade art. Over all the years nothing has changed. We are still the same, no matter what we are there for each other and there are no expectations on our friendship. It is the most wonderful supportive friendship I have ever had or ever will have. In real life. Which is also strange, because some of my closest friends now I have never met in person, and may never meet. But these are the people that are with me everysingle day and know what I feel and understand everything about me. They are wonderful women. I am grateful for them, even if it is a crappy reason that we are friends. Without them I would really be a mess right now!!! Alright, I am going to go take a shower and get ready to have breakfast with Kimmy. I am going to take shower pictures to her!