Wounds that run deep leave big ugly scars....

I always thought that once I had kids my resentments towards the fertile would subside. Guess not. I know there is nothing I can do about those that concieve without meaning to, trying, or easily. I know that me resententing them is just hurting me and it is something that I need to work through and work on. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not sure if I can have more kids. IVF or otherwise. Maybe it has to do with me just being mean. Whatever it is, it is something that is eating me. I hate it just as much as I hate the situation. I want to scream, cry, run away, and at the same time I feel so quilty for all of these feelings. I feel like it is somehow my fault that we have shut her out of our life.

Derrick's sister is pg. I might have mentioned that. The one that hates me and is a royal bitch. She is not married, has not been using bc. She doesn't even live with the guy, well yet. She is over 4 months pg and just found out. So this means that she was ku when we were in Wichita in July, and she had 2 margaritas..maybe this is another problem I have. So this is my wonder, how in the fuck do you not realize you are pg? I have never been lucky enough to just get that way...but even if I were, and even with my PCO and screwy cycles, I think I would notice something! She told her mom she has been drinking, but never drunk. So what happens if this baby (a boy) is a special needs kid? Is she going to handle that, or is she going to get even more bitch and hate me more because my kids are not? Because I took care of myself? She didn't even have the guts to call and tell her brother. I told mine. I wish I could be happy for her, and I wish we had a decent relationship. My kids are going to have a cousin that they will never know. That hurts. DH's parents will be forced to choose forever. There will be no family Christmas in Wichita if she is there. I feel like I should have kept my fat mouth shut in July. I should have just stuffed it.

Then I think that my MIL should have said something years ago. Don't baby her and make excuses, that just enables the situation. Which is what has been done, we have all been expected to walk on glass to keep the peace and she can behave however she pleases. I have some deep resentments for a lot of things. If that were me and I was behaving that way, pretty sure my parents would have slaughtered me, even at the age of 28. I would have gotten my ear pulled off and my ass chewed. But I digress. I have issues, I don't know what to do about them. I can write, obviously and that is always good for me. I can't talk to anyone in my family. I talked to my dad, and he gave me the advice I knew was coming, work my 12 steps (he has been sober 18 years) and turn it over to God. I am trying, but am totally stuck on the first step, and I am sure I will be stuck again on the fourth. Always happens. I know if I do it I will feel better and it will help. I just have to do it.