I always thought that once I had kids my resentments towards the fertile would subside. Guess not. I know there is nothing I can do about those that concieve without meaning to, trying, or easily. I know that me resententing them is just hurting me and it is something that I need to work through and work on. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not sure if I can have more kids. IVF or otherwise. Maybe it has to do with me just being mean. Whatever it is, it is something that is eating me. I hate it just as much as I hate the situation. I want to scream, cry, run away, and at the same time I feel so quilty for all of these feelings. I feel like it is somehow my fault that we have shut her out of our life.
Derrick's sister is pg. I might have mentioned that. The one that hates me and is a royal bitch. She is not married, has not been using bc. She doesn't even live with the guy, well yet. She is over 4 months pg and just found out. So this means that she was ku when we were in Wichita in July, and she had 2 margaritas..maybe this is another problem I have. So this is my wonder, how in the fuck do you not realize you are pg? I have never been lucky enough to just get that way...but even if I were, and even with my PCO and screwy cycles, I think I would notice something! She told her mom she has been drinking, but never drunk. So what happens if this baby (a boy) is a special needs kid? Is she going to handle that, or is she going to get even more bitch and hate me more because my kids are not? Because I took care of myself? She didn't even have the guts to call and tell her brother. I told mine. I wish I could be happy for her, and I wish we had a decent relationship. My kids are going to have a cousin that they will never know. That hurts. DH's parents will be forced to choose forever. There will be no family Christmas in Wichita if she is there. I feel like I should have kept my fat mouth shut in July. I should have just stuffed it.
Then I think that my MIL should have said something years ago. Don't baby her and make excuses, that just enables the situation. Which is what has been done, we have all been expected to walk on glass to keep the peace and she can behave however she pleases. I have some deep resentments for a lot of things. If that were me and I was behaving that way, pretty sure my parents would have slaughtered me, even at the age of 28. I would have gotten my ear pulled off and my ass chewed. But I digress. I have issues, I don't know what to do about them. I can write, obviously and that is always good for me. I can't talk to anyone in my family. I talked to my dad, and he gave me the advice I knew was coming, work my 12 steps (he has been sober 18 years) and turn it over to God. I am trying, but am totally stuck on the first step, and I am sure I will be stuck again on the fourth. Always happens. I know if I do it I will feel better and it will help. I just have to do it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Another ear infection...
This is the third for Layne in a month. I had them check Macie's ears at Urgent Care yesterday and they were good, but now she is kinda tugging at her right. Seriously. I have to take the kids to the pedi on Halloween for their flu shots, and they have an appt to discuss tubes in Layne's ears. I didn't care for the urgent care doc yesterday. In retrospect, I might have taken my chances with the ER. No, take that back, I hate the ER. So, I am not so happy about that. Poor kids inherited their parents shitty ears.
Other than that it is beautiful here, and I am going to transplant some stuff this evening. Derricks aunt is getting an addition, which is shit because she doesn't do anything around here but make more work for Gpa. Whatever. She annoys the hell outta me. But I have some stuff planted where it is going, like the daisies for Gpa Sipps funeral, and I will rip her head off if she destroys them. Derrick is working on cleaning up the huge ass wood pile by the road. It is ugly and we are trying to clean stuff up so it look presentable around here. Other than that it is back to work Monday! ICK
Other than that it is beautiful here, and I am going to transplant some stuff this evening. Derricks aunt is getting an addition, which is shit because she doesn't do anything around here but make more work for Gpa. Whatever. She annoys the hell outta me. But I have some stuff planted where it is going, like the daisies for Gpa Sipps funeral, and I will rip her head off if she destroys them. Derrick is working on cleaning up the huge ass wood pile by the road. It is ugly and we are trying to clean stuff up so it look presentable around here. Other than that it is back to work Monday! ICK
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Pics...I know you want em!
My finger is good!
PBBBT on you...
Grandma has the camera...again
We are so cute!
I suck I know!
Going back to work, being a mom, a wife, and trying to run a trucking company is the shits! Not literally, thank God! AHhhh where to start. I went back to work in August, and was fine for awhile, then the middle of September and I had meltdown. I am not handling being a working mom. I am doing better, but it sucks. I think the 2 hours of driving everyday is what kills me. I could be home those two hours with my kids. I like my job, of course there are the traditional fucktards that we have every year, but that passes. I am in the middle of helping to plan Prom...I didn't even help with that shit in high school, so this is a whole new experience for me.
Derrick is great, busy as hell. I feel like I only see him a few times a week. He is the morning parent and I am the night parent, what a way to be huh. Actually it sucks. I hate it. He is so damn busy, and every one wants something from him, he is stretched pretty thin. It makes for us being pretty snappy at each other. It was great during the ear infections and teeth. We could have killed each other. I miss being a family. He is dispatching now, I had a minor fit over the cattle thing and him missing bed time every night.
THe babies are fantastic. We are going through a sleep boycott phase. We want to play at 3 am. Last night I broke down and made them CIO. It wasn't as bad as it has been. But I went in like you are supposed to and they only cried for like 30 minutes. Before after 20 I was picking them up. Macie has two teeth, and I am pretty sure that Layne is going to get some here soon. I could have sworn they were on their way last weekend, but nope. She is being fussy and clingy. I am worried that we are on the verge of another ear infection. THey had one last month, so we went 7 months without one. I want a home otoscope to look before I haul them in.
You never forget that you are IF. I swear. I am scarred for life. In addition to the mess of my ovaries, parts in general. I am still bitter at women who oops get pg. I made a friend mad too. I don't care. Her sister has a baby from an oops. Well she is pg again and not with either dad. The second one was poking holes in condoms so he could trap her. He is fucked up, but b/c is a woman's problem. Call me liberal or whatever, but damnit, just because you have a uterus, does not mean that you should be a mother. Maybe that is conservative. I don't care. She is a good mom, but isn't sure she can handle this all alone. Well sweetie, you should have thought of that before you let him be in charge of bc. I think that makes me a bitch. Oh well, it happens. Kiss it.
I have to go and get shit done, my munchins are in bed. I might just go to bed. I am waiting on my pizza. D had to go to Hays and I made him get me a Lomatos. MMMMMMMMM
Derrick is great, busy as hell. I feel like I only see him a few times a week. He is the morning parent and I am the night parent, what a way to be huh. Actually it sucks. I hate it. He is so damn busy, and every one wants something from him, he is stretched pretty thin. It makes for us being pretty snappy at each other. It was great during the ear infections and teeth. We could have killed each other. I miss being a family. He is dispatching now, I had a minor fit over the cattle thing and him missing bed time every night.
THe babies are fantastic. We are going through a sleep boycott phase. We want to play at 3 am. Last night I broke down and made them CIO. It wasn't as bad as it has been. But I went in like you are supposed to and they only cried for like 30 minutes. Before after 20 I was picking them up. Macie has two teeth, and I am pretty sure that Layne is going to get some here soon. I could have sworn they were on their way last weekend, but nope. She is being fussy and clingy. I am worried that we are on the verge of another ear infection. THey had one last month, so we went 7 months without one. I want a home otoscope to look before I haul them in.
You never forget that you are IF. I swear. I am scarred for life. In addition to the mess of my ovaries, parts in general. I am still bitter at women who oops get pg. I made a friend mad too. I don't care. Her sister has a baby from an oops. Well she is pg again and not with either dad. The second one was poking holes in condoms so he could trap her. He is fucked up, but b/c is a woman's problem. Call me liberal or whatever, but damnit, just because you have a uterus, does not mean that you should be a mother. Maybe that is conservative. I don't care. She is a good mom, but isn't sure she can handle this all alone. Well sweetie, you should have thought of that before you let him be in charge of bc. I think that makes me a bitch. Oh well, it happens. Kiss it.
I have to go and get shit done, my munchins are in bed. I might just go to bed. I am waiting on my pizza. D had to go to Hays and I made him get me a Lomatos. MMMMMMMMM
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Long time....
There has been so much going on here, it is unreal. Hmm where to start. Summer is almost over and that means I have to go back to work. BTW I haven't worked in 9 months. The last Wednesday in November is when I had to stop. Summer was mostly awesome. My youngest SIL was here all summer and she was so much help and fun. We went to CO several times. The babies got to go on their first hike, and to Estes and it was so much fun. They travel like little champs. They have also gotten to ride in the big truck with Daddy a few times. Macie loves to look at the cows and Layne likes to sit on Derrick's lap when we are stopped waiting to get unloaded. We went to Wichita in the truck once...and that is one of the few moments of the summer I could have done without. Have I ever mentioned that My oldest SIL is a bitch. Oh a raging bitch. SHe is selfish and jealous and down right snotty. I cannot stand being around her. Anyway Derrick called her to tell her we were there and Liz drove 45 minutes to get her. She ignored me all fucking day, but wants to hold my kids. THen we go shopping and Em and I were talking about Christmas and she got all huffy. I asked her where she needed to go and she got snotty with me and I snapped back at her. Not a big snap, but enough to let her know I was sick of her shit. Then when we get home the bitch jumps out of the car before we stopped. Dinner was miserable and I finally told Derrick next time I was saying something. He called her and told her what was what and asked her what the deal was, she told him I don't include her. What the fuck ever. I have tried for 5 years and she has been a bitch, not just to me, but to her sisters too. So he decided that we are not going anywhere near her. If she shows up we are all leaving. He told his mom, and Karen finally has gotten it. I love the woman but she has babied Dianne and let it happen. Karen is irrate with her and is going to let her have it. I feel like I have caused a family feud, but hell you can only get kicked in the head so many times.
Hmm...We have done two trial runs at daycare and they did awesome. I am still nervous and stuff about leaving them next week. They see the Dr. on Monday, so I will update then on everything. THey are wonderful, smiling, rolling, lauging...that is the cutest thing. We are starting to teeth I believe. I want that to stop or be over in a hurry. WOW! Poor things. I would rather them do it all together than string it out though. It would figure that as soon as Liz has to go to Wichta and I go back to work this all happens. Fantastic!
Hmm...We have done two trial runs at daycare and they did awesome. I am still nervous and stuff about leaving them next week. They see the Dr. on Monday, so I will update then on everything. THey are wonderful, smiling, rolling, lauging...that is the cutest thing. We are starting to teeth I believe. I want that to stop or be over in a hurry. WOW! Poor things. I would rather them do it all together than string it out though. It would figure that as soon as Liz has to go to Wichta and I go back to work this all happens. Fantastic!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Dr. Updates
We went to the pedi today. They are doing awesome! Macie was 13 lbs 8 oz 34 1/2 inches long and Layne is 13 lbs 25 inches long. So they are still shrimps but they are growing. We are going to start rice cereal the add oatmeal in a week, and slowly add fruits and veggies. Really smelly poop here we come! Macie rolled over yesterday too for the first time. SO CUTE! She gets so pissed right before then does it and smiles. Layne has done it, but he head is still out of proportion so he is not quite as agile yet.
I saw the OB too, I am throwing little cysts and no AF...so we are going to do BCP and just start it in two weeks if nothing. I am betting on nothing. Oh after a pg test. Yeah right. If there was a BFP is would be a BF MC in a hurry. We talked about that and there is little chance of me ever carrying again. There is a chance, but I doubt it. SHe said that is a huge part of my PPD. I have to come to terms with it. Infertility is one thing, I can jump through hoops to get pg, but staying pg is a whole new ball game. Now that has been taken away from me. THis is a whole new kind of loss. Sucks, but I know that it would be selfish to try and lose one after another. I won't do that to myself or Derrick. She also said since I had mild accreta it was not such a hot plan, that gets worse everytime and redheads bleed worse. Fun stuff. I am supposed to eat better, go outside and start working out. Things I need to do anyway, but those will help. If I don't feel better call. I guess this is super common with IF women. We get everything we worked so hard for and get PPD, doesn't seem fair does it. I wonder sometimes if it has to do with that. Think about it, we have jacked our bodies up on all sortsa crap and then had the pg hormones. That and we have to go through a process that we never thought could happen to us. When it does it is wonderful, then we get our miracles. Through all of that my DH felt like a sperm donor until they were here. Now he is not sure where he fits, he is adjusting to the role of daddy, hubby, etc. I am having a hard time letting go and letting him flail a bit. SO we bicker and that adds to the PPD. It is a vicious cycle of icko. So I am going to make a huge effort to do what I need to and we need to do a date night every two weeks. We have too, dr. said so. I feel better talking to her, because she has been there. She is IF and can't have any more. She understands and I love that. My nurse does too. Funny of IF women seek each other out for total comfort. I would rather hang out with my computer friends most of the time than my real ones. My real ones just don't get it.
Alas, I am avoiding Plum Bun again, so I am off to write one more paragraph!
I saw the OB too, I am throwing little cysts and no AF...so we are going to do BCP and just start it in two weeks if nothing. I am betting on nothing. Oh after a pg test. Yeah right. If there was a BFP is would be a BF MC in a hurry. We talked about that and there is little chance of me ever carrying again. There is a chance, but I doubt it. SHe said that is a huge part of my PPD. I have to come to terms with it. Infertility is one thing, I can jump through hoops to get pg, but staying pg is a whole new ball game. Now that has been taken away from me. THis is a whole new kind of loss. Sucks, but I know that it would be selfish to try and lose one after another. I won't do that to myself or Derrick. She also said since I had mild accreta it was not such a hot plan, that gets worse everytime and redheads bleed worse. Fun stuff. I am supposed to eat better, go outside and start working out. Things I need to do anyway, but those will help. If I don't feel better call. I guess this is super common with IF women. We get everything we worked so hard for and get PPD, doesn't seem fair does it. I wonder sometimes if it has to do with that. Think about it, we have jacked our bodies up on all sortsa crap and then had the pg hormones. That and we have to go through a process that we never thought could happen to us. When it does it is wonderful, then we get our miracles. Through all of that my DH felt like a sperm donor until they were here. Now he is not sure where he fits, he is adjusting to the role of daddy, hubby, etc. I am having a hard time letting go and letting him flail a bit. SO we bicker and that adds to the PPD. It is a vicious cycle of icko. So I am going to make a huge effort to do what I need to and we need to do a date night every two weeks. We have too, dr. said so. I feel better talking to her, because she has been there. She is IF and can't have any more. She understands and I love that. My nurse does too. Funny of IF women seek each other out for total comfort. I would rather hang out with my computer friends most of the time than my real ones. My real ones just don't get it.
Alas, I am avoiding Plum Bun again, so I am off to write one more paragraph!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Long time no talk, gotta get better about it!
So I suck and have been busy. It seems like I never have time for anything. I just finished a pretty final draft of one paper and am pumped. That is after all why Liz is here all summer. So I am going to work on another one, I need 8 more pages and have more that enough for that. I just have to get my thoughts in order. Right now they are way out.
THe kiddos are getting over the runs/cold thing from the other day. We did a whole day of pedialyte and they seem to be feeling better. Still a little fussy, but no temp or runs. They are eating better again to which makes me happy.
The weather I am done with, I am tired of tornadoes and we haven't had any for a few days.
Our anniversary was Wednesday, and we went to town to eat. Derrick thought he was going to have to bale hay, but not so much. Otherwise we would have gone somewhere else. So we walk into the bar and the chick he screwed while we were split up 7 years ago is sitting there with her husband. I should have made him leave. I didn't say anything and we sat on the other side at a booth. I of course like an idiot sat facing her. He informed me about 10 minutes later that she was there and I said I know. If it would have been my screw up we would have left. I thought I was doing good with accepting it and all that, but guess not. I know it happend and I can't change that. Doesn't stop me from hating the bitch, since she still tried to do shit after we got back together. She tried not long after we were married too. I might make a vodoo doll of her...Anyway they left and she had the nerve to wave. I almost got up and broke her damn hand off. Thing is I like her hubby. He is nice and has no clue to what extent she is a tramp and whores around. Needless to say it put me in a funk. THen of course I start reading too much into everything. He was to tired to FD, so that bothered me, was he thinking about her? He did say she was ugly and he hated her, but was that for my benefit? I know I am stupid for this but that is the way my mind works. Derrick is the only man that has never cheated on me. Yes he can be a huge ass sometimes, but he is faithful and always will be. I know that, but those scars from years past are still there and have warped me. I hate that, but it happens. I have issues and I know it...but I will work on them later
I finally called the Dr. Either I ovulated (yeah right) or I have a big ol cyst happening on my right side. I decided that since they won't let me donate since I live out of state (I might try again and use mom's address) I am going back on BCP. Once again here we are CD 33 and nada. I want to discuss that and maybe the PPD that is creeping up. It makes sense considering the year I have had. Great in someways, but terrible in some too. I better go and get some work done. If I can get what I have read, maybe I can write a little more this afternoon.
THe kiddos are getting over the runs/cold thing from the other day. We did a whole day of pedialyte and they seem to be feeling better. Still a little fussy, but no temp or runs. They are eating better again to which makes me happy.
The weather I am done with, I am tired of tornadoes and we haven't had any for a few days.
Our anniversary was Wednesday, and we went to town to eat. Derrick thought he was going to have to bale hay, but not so much. Otherwise we would have gone somewhere else. So we walk into the bar and the chick he screwed while we were split up 7 years ago is sitting there with her husband. I should have made him leave. I didn't say anything and we sat on the other side at a booth. I of course like an idiot sat facing her. He informed me about 10 minutes later that she was there and I said I know. If it would have been my screw up we would have left. I thought I was doing good with accepting it and all that, but guess not. I know it happend and I can't change that. Doesn't stop me from hating the bitch, since she still tried to do shit after we got back together. She tried not long after we were married too. I might make a vodoo doll of her...Anyway they left and she had the nerve to wave. I almost got up and broke her damn hand off. Thing is I like her hubby. He is nice and has no clue to what extent she is a tramp and whores around. Needless to say it put me in a funk. THen of course I start reading too much into everything. He was to tired to FD, so that bothered me, was he thinking about her? He did say she was ugly and he hated her, but was that for my benefit? I know I am stupid for this but that is the way my mind works. Derrick is the only man that has never cheated on me. Yes he can be a huge ass sometimes, but he is faithful and always will be. I know that, but those scars from years past are still there and have warped me. I hate that, but it happens. I have issues and I know it...but I will work on them later
I finally called the Dr. Either I ovulated (yeah right) or I have a big ol cyst happening on my right side. I decided that since they won't let me donate since I live out of state (I might try again and use mom's address) I am going back on BCP. Once again here we are CD 33 and nada. I want to discuss that and maybe the PPD that is creeping up. It makes sense considering the year I have had. Great in someways, but terrible in some too. I better go and get some work done. If I can get what I have read, maybe I can write a little more this afternoon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
