Infertility Myth Busted! We are not all pathetic.

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week!

Now I feel out of place going to the Dr. and keeping my pants on. It is almost like I have done something wrong. How sad is that?

I think that those that think we sit and dwell on the fact that we are not pregnant and can't get that way need to know something. We do that, yes, but there is a whole other side to us that no one but us infertile ladies and gents get to see. We actually have a sense of humor about this whole ordeal. It is an ordeal.

Think about it for a few minutes. Then put your mind in the gutter and think about it again. DH and I had to learn to laugh at the situation and ourselves. This is a crappy deal and you have to try to make the best of it. For men, not so hard. It was great to watch people when DH talked about making me a human pincushion, having a date with his "best cup" and which room had to "goods" with the other guys in the lobby.

I love to have people ask me if I knew when and where I got pregnant. Mostly because I love the look on their face. Yep, July 13th at 10:00 am in a crowded room. That sends them. Sometimes I leave it at that, and sometimes I explain. My twins are IVF/FET babies. So the crowd checking out the girl parts was a necesity.

People just don't get it. I think they want us to me these miserable, sad, pathetic women that cry all the time because we are "incomplete." I'm not incomplete, I just have malfunctioning ovaries. DH's sperm would rather pull over and have a beer than get to where they need to be. See sense of humor. It is not going to get me pregnant on my own, but it is going to make me feel better about myself.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Surgery is scheduled..

Macie goes in April 21st, at a time to be later determined to yank out her tonsils. I am counting days. I am tired of sick kids. Layne has strep on top of it. Barf. If he gets it once more, he gets his out too....awesome. Fabulous. Swell...and the next person (Mandy Focke) that says anything to me about how often my kids are sick, or me working, or well anything really, is going to lose her fucking head. I am tired of her perfectness, when she isn't perfect. I like my job and and I love what I do, yes I wish I didn't have to drive 2 hours a day, but still. I like having income. I am not going to listen to her anymore, she is offensive and pisses me off. I know I am offensive and piss people off too, but I try to limit who I piss off to those I dislike.

I am ready for spring/summer. I am ready for outside time and a patio. I have big plans for my yard and my kitchen and I am ready to put them into action. I am also ready to be at home with my munchkins. I am going to work on teaching them to read this summer. I am nervous because they have been in preschool here all year and next year they start with their class in Selden. I am afraid if they get bored they are going to cause trouble. I just hope that they can adjust for them.

Okay...this is my kind of humor

I am getting ready to teach My Sister's Keeper, so I am doing a slide show on IVF and a brief explaination of it. I say brief, because face it, I could really talk for a whole period if I wanted to. Anyway, since one of the characters is an IVF baby, I think it is important for them to understand it, and genetically picked babies. As I was pulling images for my show, I ran across this:

And BOOM!!!

It all comes out. At some point everything that I have bottled up will come out. I never know how or when, but it will come out. I guess part of it came out tonight, and now I am grounded to my room and Derrick is pissed at me. Well, for him, I am pissed too and have been. I am not a door mat. Tonight it just came out at the wrong person. I yelled at a friend and didn't mean to, he just got caught in the crossfire and got on the wrong end of my temper and my fuse was no existent at that point. Which it hard because I have an incredibly long fuse. But over that last 8 months, it has been slowly dwindling and now it is gone. I am not a nice person right now, to anyone. It sucks and I hate myself. What scares me the most is that I know there is more in there that needs to come out, but I can't let it. I have no safe outlet for it to come out. That feeling is so lonely. I can't really tell Derrick everything that is on my mind, because he doesn't understand. Or he tells me that is my job and to deal with it.

Then he gets pissed when I tell him that I feel like I have to compete with his friends for his attention. Because he thinks it is all about his work. He forgets that we need him here too. I love my family more than anything. I am just tired. I feel like a single parent more often than not and it sucks. That is not at all what I wanted.

Now I can hear my son crying for me and I know that if I go out there we are going to get in another fight. We already had a big one in front of the kids tonight. I have already cried in front of my kids tonight. Not something that I am proud of and not something that I like doing. It sucks. I am pretty sure that he will be sleeping in the guest room or on the couch. He basically told me that he wants nothing to do with me tonight. Hmmm....great. How long is this going to last? That man holds grudges against me forever. Not his friends, but me. I will hear about this for years. Watch. This is going to fucking suck. More than it already does.

Enough is enough...

And I think I have reached my enough point. We are at a turning point with the stupid lawsuit and I am to the point that I can't handle it anymore. I am tired. I have done everything I can and it looks like we are going to have to settle. FML... Stupid fucking asshole is going to get money simply because...fuck him. I am pissed and I have every right to be. I hope he goes back to jail and misses the birth of his kid. Why can that fucker have kids and it is so easy for a piece of shit to fuck over hardworking people? I am sick of it...if you don't want to work fuck you. Get off your fat lazy ass and get a fucking job. You are a truck driver, you don't have to haul cattle or grain, haul a van and you can sit and do little. At least you are working. Maybe my retribution for all of this is that we settle and the fucker goes back to jail and some guy named Bubba makes him his bitch. I can hope karma works that way. All said and done we are going to pay out about $45000. Which is better than it could be. I have to keep that positive idea going for talking to Derrick. We settle and get off now, with no future anything or we are stuck with the fuckers medical bills forever. NO! This is what I want to know, why did our first attorney not propose a settlement when we asked him to in December. This could have been minimized if he had. I like our guy now and he is on vacation and still working on this. Thanks to him.

My rant is over...I just had to get that all out before Derrick gets here and I have to be the rational one...yikes!

Ready for cooties to leave!

So here's to hoping we have daycare tomorrow and that we can go. Almost all the hand foot and mouth blisters are healed. Macie just has a few icky ones left that look like they are going to scab today. We had a busy morning. Made it to the bank and went to Colby to see Aunt Mary and get haircuts. We trimmed Macie's bangs and she looks so cute! I have a baby pic of me and she looks a whole lot like it. Layne looks like such a big boy with his hair cut. Then of course they got suckers...they love their Aunt Mary. I know there are few subs that can be called if I have to be home again. Over my dead body is the other Aunt watching them. That is all I need is to hear about how we just had to have her home after 6 weeks in Wichita. Yuck. You know Derrick, I, Gma and Gpa are just lost without her, and I thought we did freaking awesome. Oh wait, we did do awesome. The kids love Gma and Gpa J. They get so happy when they get to go down there or they are up here. So cute.

We made cookies this weekend, and that is going to be fun at Christmas too! We are still trying to decide what to do for the holidays. I want to go to CO for Christmas and stay here for Thanksgiving. We will see. It all depends on his sister. I am sure that since it is her son's first Christmas she will want to do something with her family. Then again maybe not. She got married Saturday and Liz says it was an event. All about Dianne which is how she likes it. Liz was ready to barf. Liz is supposed to be coming out soon, hopefully the 27th. WHich I need her too because I have conferences that week and she needs to be here to help put the kids down! That is how I am going to work this so she can come out before her parents! YAY me!

Alright I had better clean up the kitchen and do what needs to be done before we are up from our nap!

Is it Christmas yet?

It is barely the middle of September and I am ready for Christmas. That is a bad sign. I am tired and sick of disrepectful students. There are few things that I expect, and respect is one of them. Here is the deal....I told a female student this morning not to chomp her gum in my room or she could spit it out. She came back in after class, told me that was a dick move and not ladylike...then spit it on the floor. WTF! The first part would not really have bothered me, but the spitting on the floor....are you kidding...that pisses me off. Chewing gum like a cow is a pet peeve of mine...drives me nuts. If you have a problem with my rules, tough shit. You can give me your view, but keep your attitude to yourself. I have plenty of my own and will dish it out in a heartbeat and I can be way nasty if necessary. I am still so pissed...then I am pissed at myself for being so pissed. It has just been a week..

Monday I cut my finger open making dinner, Macie bit a little boy at daycare too. Tuesday Macie bit her lip open. I had a way long meeting Tuesday night too. Last night was fine. I am just exhausted and I don't know why. This morning AF showed up. That might have a lot to do with it. I decided that I deserve unhealthy stuff for lunch....I am getting chinese.

We are going to Colorado for the weekend. I am going shopping. That will help me feel better too! I am just in the dumps and I don't have a clue why. I need to get away for a while. I have an appt on Monday with Dr. S to talk about all of my results and stuff. Anything that has to do with my IF gets me all nuts too. There is just too much going on.