Why am I always the bad guy?

Because it is getting pretty fucking old. I don't really give a fuck who wants to see my kids and who thinks they are entitled to see my kids on their terms. News flash everyone, they are mine and Derrick's. That means that we make the rules. Period. If I have to leave on business and I want them here until I leave and here the second I get back, that is what is going to fucking happen. If you are not their parent and don't like it, I don't give a tiny rats ass. I am the one that went through hell and back to get them, not you or anyone else. That means that there are two of us in this family that know what it feels like to want and wish and hurt the way we hurt for them. No one else. You may sympathize with us, but there is no chance you can empathize. I get nervous leaving them for 5 days at all…and I don't want to be gone from them any longer than that. Nor do I care that my MIL, who by the way does not make an effort to come out just to see my kids at any time, thinks she is entitled to keep them for that whole week. I don't fucking think so. Again, I am the one that gave birth to them, no one else. Derrick is their dad. If he wants to drive them to Wichita, then fine. But they will be here when I get home or shit will hit the fan.

Derrick understands, he wants them home when he has been gone for a few days. He misses them and wants to see them. It is nothing that has to be explained. I am just tired of having to justify myself to people. If you don't like it, then you don't have to see them at all. And yes, I am a little pissed that you told me you would help us out and now you have made other plans. But then again, that is what I have come to expect from your family, so I really shouldn't be that shocked. I will just remember that when you need something. My poor husband comes from one of the most selfish, self-centered families there is, and I can't figure it out, because his Grandpa is the MOST giving and caring man on the planet. He will drop everything to help someone out. Derrick is the same way. I guess those two are the ones that got that gene, it must have skipped everyone else. Grandma helps a ton too, don't get me wrong. She is pretty amazing, but as for DH's mom, and most of his aunts and uncles, forget it. It is all about them. As much as I bitch about Rose, she is almost always there when I need her. And if she says she will help me out, she always will. She must have gotten some of that gene.

Wow, I am way more pissed about this than I thought. Now I know there is a phone call going on between Wichita and Denver and I am sure it is all about how I am the bad guy, and Derrick will get the call next…fucking cool…glad you are all still in middle school. Tattle on me for taking care of my family, that's cool.

Now what the hell do I do?

Okay, so I know that working closer to home would be FAB! No more driving 2 hours a day, hauling my kids to daycare 55 miles away from home. There is an opening about 23 miles from home. Which, lets be honest, is as close as I am going to get. GPHS is never going to hire me for various reasons.

I have an interview on the 16th. I have done the mileage math and it makes sense from that stand point. 20,000 miles a year or just over 9000? Gas is freaking outrageous, evident by not only my personal fuel bill, but by the one I just got for the damn trucks. I am excited, nervous, and feeling guilty.

I love what I do, and I am good at it. I love my students. I have formed a bond with some of them that is amazing. Lots of it has to do with the fact that I am not going to judge them. I am going to do my best to help them. Now, I am in the process of building a great program for myself. Do I just leave and tell my kids "see ya"?

I have honestly been waiting for this particular job to open up for a long time! Then there is a college job open. It is either feast or famine…I will get through this and decide…I just hope I decide right.

Infertility Myth Busted! We are not all pathetic.

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week!

Now I feel out of place going to the Dr. and keeping my pants on. It is almost like I have done something wrong. How sad is that?

I think that those that think we sit and dwell on the fact that we are not pregnant and can't get that way need to know something. We do that, yes, but there is a whole other side to us that no one but us infertile ladies and gents get to see. We actually have a sense of humor about this whole ordeal. It is an ordeal.

Think about it for a few minutes. Then put your mind in the gutter and think about it again. DH and I had to learn to laugh at the situation and ourselves. This is a crappy deal and you have to try to make the best of it. For men, not so hard. It was great to watch people when DH talked about making me a human pincushion, having a date with his "best cup" and which room had to "goods" with the other guys in the lobby.

I love to have people ask me if I knew when and where I got pregnant. Mostly because I love the look on their face. Yep, July 13th at 10:00 am in a crowded room. That sends them. Sometimes I leave it at that, and sometimes I explain. My twins are IVF/FET babies. So the crowd checking out the girl parts was a necesity.

People just don't get it. I think they want us to me these miserable, sad, pathetic women that cry all the time because we are "incomplete." I'm not incomplete, I just have malfunctioning ovaries. DH's sperm would rather pull over and have a beer than get to where they need to be. See sense of humor. It is not going to get me pregnant on my own, but it is going to make me feel better about myself.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

Surgery is scheduled..

Macie goes in April 21st, at a time to be later determined to yank out her tonsils. I am counting days. I am tired of sick kids. Layne has strep on top of it. Barf. If he gets it once more, he gets his out too....awesome. Fabulous. Swell...and the next person (Mandy Focke) that says anything to me about how often my kids are sick, or me working, or well anything really, is going to lose her fucking head. I am tired of her perfectness, when she isn't perfect. I like my job and and I love what I do, yes I wish I didn't have to drive 2 hours a day, but still. I like having income. I am not going to listen to her anymore, she is offensive and pisses me off. I know I am offensive and piss people off too, but I try to limit who I piss off to those I dislike.

I am ready for spring/summer. I am ready for outside time and a patio. I have big plans for my yard and my kitchen and I am ready to put them into action. I am also ready to be at home with my munchkins. I am going to work on teaching them to read this summer. I am nervous because they have been in preschool here all year and next year they start with their class in Selden. I am afraid if they get bored they are going to cause trouble. I just hope that they can adjust for them.

Okay...this is my kind of humor

I am getting ready to teach My Sister's Keeper, so I am doing a slide show on IVF and a brief explaination of it. I say brief, because face it, I could really talk for a whole period if I wanted to. Anyway, since one of the characters is an IVF baby, I think it is important for them to understand it, and genetically picked babies. As I was pulling images for my show, I ran across this:

And BOOM!!!

It all comes out. At some point everything that I have bottled up will come out. I never know how or when, but it will come out. I guess part of it came out tonight, and now I am grounded to my room and Derrick is pissed at me. Well, for him, I am pissed too and have been. I am not a door mat. Tonight it just came out at the wrong person. I yelled at a friend and didn't mean to, he just got caught in the crossfire and got on the wrong end of my temper and my fuse was no existent at that point. Which it hard because I have an incredibly long fuse. But over that last 8 months, it has been slowly dwindling and now it is gone. I am not a nice person right now, to anyone. It sucks and I hate myself. What scares me the most is that I know there is more in there that needs to come out, but I can't let it. I have no safe outlet for it to come out. That feeling is so lonely. I can't really tell Derrick everything that is on my mind, because he doesn't understand. Or he tells me that is my job and to deal with it.

Then he gets pissed when I tell him that I feel like I have to compete with his friends for his attention. Because he thinks it is all about his work. He forgets that we need him here too. I love my family more than anything. I am just tired. I feel like a single parent more often than not and it sucks. That is not at all what I wanted.

Now I can hear my son crying for me and I know that if I go out there we are going to get in another fight. We already had a big one in front of the kids tonight. I have already cried in front of my kids tonight. Not something that I am proud of and not something that I like doing. It sucks. I am pretty sure that he will be sleeping in the guest room or on the couch. He basically told me that he wants nothing to do with me tonight. Hmmm....great. How long is this going to last? That man holds grudges against me forever. Not his friends, but me. I will hear about this for years. Watch. This is going to fucking suck. More than it already does.

Enough is enough...

And I think I have reached my enough point. We are at a turning point with the stupid lawsuit and I am to the point that I can't handle it anymore. I am tired. I have done everything I can and it looks like we are going to have to settle. FML... Stupid fucking asshole is going to get money simply because...fuck him. I am pissed and I have every right to be. I hope he goes back to jail and misses the birth of his kid. Why can that fucker have kids and it is so easy for a piece of shit to fuck over hardworking people? I am sick of it...if you don't want to work fuck you. Get off your fat lazy ass and get a fucking job. You are a truck driver, you don't have to haul cattle or grain, haul a van and you can sit and do little. At least you are working. Maybe my retribution for all of this is that we settle and the fucker goes back to jail and some guy named Bubba makes him his bitch. I can hope karma works that way. All said and done we are going to pay out about $45000. Which is better than it could be. I have to keep that positive idea going for talking to Derrick. We settle and get off now, with no future anything or we are stuck with the fuckers medical bills forever. NO! This is what I want to know, why did our first attorney not propose a settlement when we asked him to in December. This could have been minimized if he had. I like our guy now and he is on vacation and still working on this. Thanks to him.

My rant is over...I just had to get that all out before Derrick gets here and I have to be the rational one...yikes!