Our new four legged baby!

I am so tired of the hottness

Seriously, I am ready for snow if it is going to be like this. I thought after last winter that I would never say that phrase. The heat is killing me though! OMG! It is hot in my room and that makes me irritable. Pretty sure the hormones don't help and neither does the other shit going on in my life.

I think things are better. He is still having moments. Overall we are working at it. He just doesn't seem to see that he has a part in anything. He never sees his faults and never has. It is a tad annoying really. We are trying and that is something. Not much to say, I have to go and check on my calf. I named her Missy. She is so damn cute!

Making progress...

which is good. We have talked alot and have decided that this can be saved, but there are alot of trust issues there. I am much less stressed. He still has a hard time seeing his role in all of this. Which sucks, but I keep pointing it out everytime he points out my flaws. That is something that I have never done. Everytime he tells me I don't know how much he loves me I tell him probably not because he doesn't show it the way he should. I think that shocked him. I think the biggest hurdle that we are going to have to overcome is the relationship between him and my family. He called my dad last weekend and dad was mad and so was Derrick, so some not so nice things were said. He never wants to see my parents again. I can't get him to see how childish he is acting. I am not going to fight about it right now. It is not worth it. He will get over it and I know that, so fighting about it is not going to make a whole lot of difference.

We have a bottle calf. She is really cute, but I am not sure that we are going to save her. She was a twin that the cow didn't claim and she didn't eat for like 24 hours. We got her to eat pretty well yesterday, but this morning she ate a pint of colostrum and that was it. We gave her some exceed in hope that that would perk her up a little. I like her and I want to her to get better. It is hotter than hell here. We tried to stain the deck, and the sprayer wouldn't work. I got my part done and it is too damn hot for me to be out there. I feel pretty good, I just get tired easily. But they said to expect that. I had a little spotting earlier this week, so we scanned me Thursday and both babies are fine. They wiggle around now and it was pretty cool. I see my OB again in 3 weeks and will have another scan then. She wants to scan me everytime she sees me to make sure things are all okay. I am getting chubby, but haven't really gained any weight. It is wierd. Off to clean up the house a bit. I have been slacking since last weekend and some stuff needs done!

I know I wrote last night. Today is not looking a whole lot better in my world. I am lost. I don't know what to do. I don't know if my marriage can be saved or fixed. The fabric of it is torn. People make mistakes. We just happened to make the same mistake, I just made it with his friend. Now I am the whore. I can't do this. I am willing to save this marriage for the sake of my children and because I love him so much. I am just not sure love is enough at this point in life. I am broken and I don't know if I can be fixed. We talked some last night and this morning. He still thinks that something is going on. I don't know how to make him see there is nothing there. Am I afraid of this guy, yes frankly I am. He is manipulative and I don't think he has an moral fiber. I on the other hand am praying every second for help with this and some anwers. When we lived in the little house I used to block the doors so no one could get in when Derrick was gone. I was terrified that the man was going to come into my home and try to hurt me. I am still terrified. I want nothing to do with him. Derrick doesn't believe me.

What he is not understanding is that he slept with someone too and lied about it. She wasn't my friend, but he still did it. He keeps telling me that he has the mental picture of me, well I have a mental picture of him too. So there. I feel like I am in a pissing match. Who hurt who worse. We are both hurt. That is all there is to it. I don't know what to do. My mom wants me to come home next weekend. I am going home labor day weekend. I am going to see my old counselor that weekend if he is around. I think that is important. I need some guidance. I need something. My heart and mind are going in two very different directions at the same time. Part of me wants to leave and call it quits. See if that changes the way he feels. The other part of me is willing to fight for my marriage and family no matter what. It doesn't seem to matter to that part of me that I am taking alot of abuse here. Not physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like a shell of myself. I used to be this vibrant fun person. Now I am a shell, the spark I used to have is gone. We have gone to spliting up so many times, now is this time the one? I can't answer that. I know that I cannot stay here if he is going to hold this over my head forever. I can't be called a whore and things for the rest of my life. He said last night if we didn't have everything here we would move.

He doesn't understand that he has alienated me from my family for years. Now he has gotten in a fight with my dad. He will refuse to do holidays at my parents and will be a bear when they are here. He doesn't see his faults, just mine are glaring in the morning light. He doesn't see that he has put everyone and everything before me and our marriage for years. I am last on the list. I come after his friends. He will let his friends walk all over him and still they are his friends. I make a few mistakes and they are held against me for life. I don't know what to do. I know I can't live my life with everything I have ever done wrong pointed out for me daily. Him and I have been down this road before. We split up and got back together. I have put my heart and soul into this relationship. Now it looks like that is not enough. I am a whore to him. He told me this morning that he cannot wake up and look at a whore everyday. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should leave or not. I have a place to go. I just don't know. I am fighting harder because I am pregnant and do not want to be a single mom. I also know that I have family at home and I can do it if I am forced to. I may be forced to. I am rambling....I am going to go and try to eat something. I have to take care of myself regardless.

Not sure where my life went all nutso. I made a mistake a long time ago...now it is back to haunt me. I finally told Derrick last night and he blew up. He left told me to get out. I stayed we talked last night and I thought it was going to be alright. I was wrong. This morning he started in on the whore thing again. He also took his wedding ring off and threw it last night. I started packing my car. I didn't unpack it after he talked me out of leaving. I am afraid to. I know I can stay with a friend and my mom wanted me to come home. Actually my dad was going to come and help me get most everything. My brothers can't come out. They will kill him. I just don't know what to do. I am out of energy. I have to take care of myself and the babies. More later.

Back from my first ultrasound!

There are two of those little ones in there! We were looking at baby A and our tech asked us how comfortable we were with two. Derrick said pretty comfy, and she said good cause here is baby b. The look on his face was priceless. It was awesome. They measure the same at .85cm. That is good baby A's heartrate was 120 and baby B's was 125. Derrick thinks that means baby B is a girl. We are very excited. We talked on the way about not trying anymore if there are two. So this might be it for us. I don't care, I have waited so long for this. It was so awesome to see their little heartbeats on the screen. That had to be the coolest thing ever.

We went to lunch with my mom and gram. Gram is totally shocked. We didn't tell anyone in my family what was going on. This means that she has three sets of twins in her family. Mine, my brother are twins, and my cousin's twins. She told me and Derrick that she wants boy/girl twins and then she will have a set of each. Mom is in shock. She just stared at the pictures. It was so cool. Derrick's parents are excited too. Everyone is.

On to a funny. The girl that was telling people about everything got hers. LOL! She was in our "grocery store" and one of our very good friends was there. We she was telling my friend that it was bullshit that she got chewed out (she didn't get yelled at, because Derrick knew that if I did the talking and yelling it would be really bad) and it wasn't that big of a deal. Well my friend told her that it was a big deal and she had no idea what we had gone through and what we were going through and just to keep her mouth shut and nose out of stuff. It was funny. Derrick called her man last and just left a message.

I have to go and clean the bathrooms and get some stuff done. I am still on light activity and my nurse said I would be probably most of my pregancy. That means that we are for sure getting someone to come out every other week and clean house. Just bathrooms and floors. I can dust and stuff. Those two things are the devil chores!

Finally I am really PG!

My Beta doubled and we set my U/S up for the 10th of August. That seems so far away....I have tons to do until then. I am on a mission to get my papers written or most of them before school starts. That way I am not all stressed out oh and I can get a raise. We are so going to need it if I have to take no pay days. I won't get paid at all for two months or so. Which is total crap.

Derrick has been hauling cows all week and busting his ass. He is so tired and at home asleep. Hi family will be here this weekend, so I have another house full. We seriously have not been home or alone at home since June. He is going to Sturgis in a week so I am locking myself in the house and writing. I was going to go to my mom's but I decided to stay home and write. I can get so much done while he is gone. Maybe I can get the baby's room cleaned out too. That way We can start looking at furniture and such. I have four papers that have to be done by August 10th. I am on a serious mission. My casebook and History paper can wait, but the rest must get finished. Then I will have 24 hours and get a good sized raise.

I am going to do some research really fast before I get my test back! Then when I get home I am cleaning house and reading Harry Potter!