Long time no talk, gotta get better about it!

So I suck and have been busy. It seems like I never have time for anything. I just finished a pretty final draft of one paper and am pumped. That is after all why Liz is here all summer. So I am going to work on another one, I need 8 more pages and have more that enough for that. I just have to get my thoughts in order. Right now they are way out.

THe kiddos are getting over the runs/cold thing from the other day. We did a whole day of pedialyte and they seem to be feeling better. Still a little fussy, but no temp or runs. They are eating better again to which makes me happy.

The weather I am done with, I am tired of tornadoes and we haven't had any for a few days.

Our anniversary was Wednesday, and we went to town to eat. Derrick thought he was going to have to bale hay, but not so much. Otherwise we would have gone somewhere else. So we walk into the bar and the chick he screwed while we were split up 7 years ago is sitting there with her husband. I should have made him leave. I didn't say anything and we sat on the other side at a booth. I of course like an idiot sat facing her. He informed me about 10 minutes later that she was there and I said I know. If it would have been my screw up we would have left. I thought I was doing good with accepting it and all that, but guess not. I know it happend and I can't change that. Doesn't stop me from hating the bitch, since she still tried to do shit after we got back together. She tried not long after we were married too. I might make a vodoo doll of her...Anyway they left and she had the nerve to wave. I almost got up and broke her damn hand off. Thing is I like her hubby. He is nice and has no clue to what extent she is a tramp and whores around. Needless to say it put me in a funk. THen of course I start reading too much into everything. He was to tired to FD, so that bothered me, was he thinking about her? He did say she was ugly and he hated her, but was that for my benefit? I know I am stupid for this but that is the way my mind works. Derrick is the only man that has never cheated on me. Yes he can be a huge ass sometimes, but he is faithful and always will be. I know that, but those scars from years past are still there and have warped me. I hate that, but it happens. I have issues and I know it...but I will work on them later

I finally called the Dr. Either I ovulated (yeah right) or I have a big ol cyst happening on my right side. I decided that since they won't let me donate since I live out of state (I might try again and use mom's address) I am going back on BCP. Once again here we are CD 33 and nada. I want to discuss that and maybe the PPD that is creeping up. It makes sense considering the year I have had. Great in someways, but terrible in some too. I better go and get some work done. If I can get what I have read, maybe I can write a little more this afternoon.

Just a rough spot

I know having kids changes everything. But I am not sure why it has changed everything for me and nothing for him. I love him to death don't get me wrong. I feel like an idiot. When I was pg, I bragged about how he wouldn't go into the shop when he got home to have beer or the bar. Now I look like a moron. Every night he goes in still. I feel so stupid. He whines about missing his kids (never me mind you), then has to go and do that before he comes home. He called last night at 7 and both babies were screaming bloody murder and he said he would be there in a bit with a pizza. It was 8:45. That is not a bit, oh and he ate his pizza at the bar. So then I really feel like I am not wanted. The night before we was late, because he got unloaded way late and then on his way home had to stop and have a beer. Seriously. I don't know what to do, or what to say. I know if I say something there will be a huge blow up. He is so stressed out about everything. When he does come home he wants to shower, eat and sleep. I feel like a single parent. I sometimes think I might as well be. Maybe I should have left in August. Maybe then I wouldn't be feeling like this. He is still hung up on some of that shit. To top it off the dude came into the shop last night. Which sets him off. I am at a total loss. I know he loves me and loves his family. I just want him to want to come home when he gets off, and not want to go into the shop. I feel dejected. I feel fat, ugly, and lost. I think maybe I have a little bit of PPD. Which with everything that happened in the last year wouldn't suprise me in the least. This month is hard too. The boys have been gone for almost a year. It still makes me cry like a baby. I am just struggling. So is he, but we are at opposite ends. I don't feel sexy or wanted. Oh to top it all off there is a girl in town that is a friend of his, personally I think she is a skanky bitch. But they have talked a few times and now I am really feeling inadequate. I hate this.

I talked to my dad last night and we are going to have to put my husky dog down. She is almost 17, which is amazing for a husky. But I have had her since I was 11 and she is awesome. Hard headed, but beautiful. I asked for them to wait until I get home. I want to go. He hasn't taken her in yet, but it is coming. Here is a pic of my Winter dog.

Made it through

Time is flying. I made it through last weekend. I did way better than I thought. Friday was rough and I had major meltdown Saturday night. Sunday I did amazing though. I was proud of myself. I had a few teary moments, but not too bad. It honestly think that not being around my family helped so much. It was just Derrick and I and we did nothing...yep nothing. I guess we did load up the babies and take them on their first big truck ride. Semi's have seatbelts in the sleeper! Who knew? It was fun. Then he ended up having to farm. Boring.

My little ones are sleeping so I get to update and got my house picked up. Wow was it a mess. That is the hardest thing for me. I hate messes and they are all over the damn place. This whole truck company thing is making me nuts too. When I could be cleaning up, I am either on the phone, or trying to fix shit. My poor office looks like a tornado came through it. We bought those two Pete's (might have mentioned that already), and we are thinking about a dry van...we rented one and have some dude in Colby setting up runs, which pisses me off cause he is taking 10% and I can do that. Fuel is outrageous...I cried at the fuel bill from last week. Holy Hell!

Then Derrick comes home the other day and tells me that a lady in town has saved us two daycare spots. Okay I wanted my kids there from the start. Last weekend with his stupid aunt not listening to me then getting all sortsa pissed (disgusted with us was what she used) that she left the garage open and the tom cat or my dogs got her kittens, pretending that she knew what my son needed when he was screaming in hunger, and telling my SIL that she could take care of it. Ummm FUCK NO! You do not know my children like that, and you are not their fucking mom, as the matter of fact you are an old spinster lady that thrives on drama. You moved out here to be babied by everyone and we are not going to do it. YOu piss me off showing up and walking in. If I don't answer don't fucking come in. PERIOD. I don't want to see you. If I need you I will call. She is on my last nerve. So I am not sure I want her to watch my kiddos. Anyway....I better get some books done...I have to clean up some piles of stuff.

Tail spins all over....

Let me start with mine. I interviewed for a middle school English and reading job three weeks ago. This job is where I live, so I would drive 16 miles a day instead of 110. I don't feel good about the interview, I think I am too liberal for the district. Actually I know I am. I push the limits of what is acceptable and not. I have shown RENT for four years for goodness sake, and if you have seen it you know why it could get me into trouble. Yes, I cover my ass with permission slips, but still. I also show Schindler's List to my German 2. I always forget the naughty scene, and fast forward just makes it speed up...oops. Did I mention that I am not too fond of middle school kids? They are icky. I love high school. Anyway, I am pretty sure I didn't get it. So I called my admin yesterday to tell him I am not coming back the rest of this year, but plan on me next. He asked if I got the job. Then he told me everything that she said, and she was concerned about me describing my classroom as organized chaos. He told me he didn't think it was, because we were always learning. Even if we were totally off task, which happens alot, we were learning. He did say she was pretty wishy washy when she talked to him, and he was not impressed. I had that feeling too. But to hear him say that is a big thing. So we talked about next year and we are getting rid of speech, no one signed up, most likely someone else is going to teach Drama (YAY!!!) and we need to discuss getting rid of German (YAY) and I would be teaching English. Which is what I have been asking for. Right now he has me teaching 2 German classes, and 4 English. Oh and the English is most likely going to be Juniors. Which means American Lit. Right on. I love this. My mind is already turning...Anyway, that makes my decision hard. I love my job and I love my kids there. But I drive 2 hours a day. They pay well and pay all of our insurance for the whole family. And then the plot thickens. On Tuesday I applied for a job at the CC teaching English. Comp mostly, which is great, but I am not a real big comp person, I am a lit person by nature. I like to write, well I love it, but I have never taught it. Oh and I have a interview in Oakley for HS English. I have lots of thinking to do.



The other tail spin at our house involves both of us. Derrick bit the bullet after hem hawing around for a fricking week and bought the two Peterbuilts from Sam. Sam paid $75,000 for each and we are paying him $100,000 for both. Fuck yeah. So we now own two 2003 flat top Pete's. Beautiful trucks. I know I am a loser. On one we put a Dry van that Derrick rented yesterday. The other we are talking about putting our hopper bottom on, our step deck, and buying a new spread hopper for the freightliner. Well that was the plan, more to come. Derrick is going to drive the White one all summer and by the end of the summer it should be paid for. I asked him, joking, if I could quit my job and work for him full time, and he said it was coming to that. What??? I was kidding. So in the decision to go back, he wants me home to dispatch him and the other drivers. Fantastic. So I am now, mommy, housekeeper, paperwork and books bitch, dispatch, oh and finishing my master's. I have more hats than a damn clown. I did tell him if this is what we were going to do, I wanted Liz (my youngest SIL) here all summer. She has been begging her parents, and I got the yes last night. She is going to work part time in the nursing home in Hoxie and help me. Oh and be my personal chef. So yesterday the plan was for me to run the business and him to drive. I would have three drivers, and shit going all over. Then this morning, I had just given the kids a bath and the guy that drives the freightshaker called and it blew up. Oil was running outta the engine. Turns out it was just the turbo, so like a grand to fix it. We were late to pictures, had fussy kids, but got some good ones. I still haven't heard from the place I interviewed. Three weeks, it is pissing me off.

Company overload

For having help all week, I am ready to be just us again. I love my inlaws, I am just getting tired of having my house in an uproar and everything is a mess. I don't do messes very well. Oh and brainiac Derrick gave his parents our room. Which I am tired of. They could have stayed downstairs with Karen's parents. That was my vote. Instead my whole house is consumed with company. My kitchen is a disaster, my living room and everywhere else. GRRRR....My parents and aunt are going to be here sometime tomorrow.

On the down side, I am pretty sure I am drying up. I keep getting smaller and smaller amounts when I pump. It makes me sad, cause as they are getting bigger they are feeding better. I wanted to be able to do that. I know formula is fine, I was a formula baby. I am also tired of trying every formula out there and tired of having people say soy is the way to go. They are on lactose free formula that is for sensitive tummies. I think switching is too much for them. So instead we are going to go to mostly formula and hope my milk lasts another two weeks.

I better go get burgers made...I might go to bed early tonight.

Busy week...

What a week. Sunday some of Derrick's family came out to see the babies. Which is fine, but the aftermath on Sunday night, all night, was not worth it. I know premies get easily overstimed, and boy is that true. So we are going to limit the number of different people holding them for awhile. And there are few people that get to feed them. It was a long night to say the least. Actually we have had a few of those. Mylicon helps with the gas, but they are still really fussy at times. I feel so bad when they arch and crunch up in a ball and I can't do anything for them. We are supposed to have a family thing tomorrow, and I am not sure I am going to take them down there. I might just stay up here with them and if people want to see them they can come up here and look, but not touch. Derrick's parents and sisters are going to be here all week so that will help out. I can take a nap during the day and really sleep. The kids see the pedi Monday and I have a whole list of questions. Last night was another long night and Derrick was awake for thisone. He has slept through a few of them. I cannot imagine going back to work if they are going to be this fussy all night long. It is going to make for a tired and rather bitchy Mrs. J.



Daddy got out of the hospital last night. He got hit with a pole on Wednesday. They were pulling one that was rotten and it broke and whacked him in the back shoulder head area. He broke some ribs, punctured a lung, and got a laceration. He had his hard hat on which probably saved him and they way the pole smacked him was better than how it could have been. He was pissed about the chest tube they put in for the pneumo and bitched about the breathing thing. I told him he sounded like Gram. She bitched about it too, and we all told her to suck it up and do it. He told me she said he could bitch. Whatever. He is home and doing better. He is still sore, and is on light duty/desk duty for awhile. Which he hates, but tough shit. It could have been so much worse. I thought we were done with hospitals. My family has spent WAY to much time in hospitals for awhile. Between Gram, Grandpa, me, and the babies, now Daddy....we should be done with them.

I better go and get my floors mopped before people get here. My parents, Aunt Schar and cousin are coming next weekend for Easter. I am excited. I love Derrick's family, but I love mine too. They are way fun. I think Mom is bringing a honey baked ham and we are going to have a brunch on Easter since we have to do Church on Saturday night. I love honey baked ham...and Dianne won't be here to bitch about it!

They are here, and I know I suck...

Last I left I was still pregnant and still in Kansas. I went home while Derrick was in Vegas and had to see the Peri...and my sorry ass got landed in the hospital for four days. My cervix was super short, under a cm and I was contracting more than I thought. So needless to say I spent four days in the hospital under a close watch and we messed with my meds. My body hate terb. It makes me crazy. Upon release I had to stay in Colorado with my mom and be on much stricter bedrest. I became great friends with the couch at my mom's house. Derrick came out on the weekends and on Valentines. I saw the OB the Monday after V-day and he thought a week to 10 days. Well...needless to say that is what our plan was, not theirs. Thursday night the 21st, my water broke. It was the strangest feeling...I thought I peed my pants since I had sneezed at the same time, but when I stood up stuff came out. It was gross. It kept coming so I called and headed to Denver. I called Derrick since of course he was in Kansas. He was playing cards and he had Grandpa drive him out. It was a bad night for him before I called, and he freaked out when I called. I got to the hospital at about 11 or so, after Dad went the wrong way down a one way...and they got me all in there and sure as shit my water had broken and actually both bags were broken. By that time I was not comfy but hung in there until 3 am when I got my epidural...seriously that is the way to go. It is what I was most afraid of and it was fairly easy. They thought I was complete at 3:45 and no hubby. He got there at 4:30ish and they had me start pushing at 6...which in retrospect we shouldn't have. I pushed for 2 and a half hours and nothing. So we decided to help me out with some foreceps... In the OR the OB discovered that I wasn't really complete, stupid nurse, and he had to make me complete...ouch. Yes even with an epidural that sucked. Macie Joleen was born at 9:01. She had the cord around her neck twice and her daddy almost passed out on me. He got all cold and sweaty and his hands went tingly. Layne Gerald was born at 9:15 with the help of the vacum and foreceps. Derrick got to cut his cord, kiss me and they went off to the NICU while I got sewn up. They gave me cytotec for something and what I remember from there on out is fuzzy. I reacted to it and got shocky. My HR went way down so did my O2 and I shook. They actually thought I had a bleed, and I did a little one. I remember getting more medicine in my epidural line and getting typed and crossed, I didn't get blood. Then I remember going back into surgery and waking up. Because I wasn't complete my cervix tore and had to be stiched and I had some tears in my vag walls. Needless to say I am stitched from here to there.

Derrick went with the babies to the Level 3 NICU and got my mom. Macie didn't need O2 or anything, but Layne was on a CPAP for about 12 hours. They both had IV's and were in isolete's, or as Daddy called them cages. I didn't get to see them until after 4 on my way up to post partum. They then got moved up to the Graduate NICU or level 2 about 8ish. We couldn't touch them or hold them though...that was so hard. His parents got there about 9 I think and we went down to see them. We did get to hold them the next morning. That evening they started bottle feeding and have kept right on going. They spent two days under bili lights and then came out of the cage on Wednesday after they were born and we got to take them home a week after they were born. We have been home over a week and it is amazing. I love being a mommy. I am pooped but it is totally worth every second. Even when they pee on you.