Everytime I think I get a handle on my life I get a fucking curve ball. After all the shit that happened in August I really thought we were working through it and doing well. We are except for last night. Apperantly Derrick is still obsessed with the whole thing. So he blows another gasket last night, and I just can't handle this shit. He doesn't seem to understand that I think about the things he did too and they haunt me too. It is all about him, oh and what he feel and what he wants. I should know this after all these years. It has been this way forever. So last night I go to bed sobbing, and of course sleep like shit. He comes in about 4:30ish and can't sleep because he is pissed. He is really pissed that the former friend is trying to take some of his hay customers. I would be too, but I had nothing to do with that. I think he finally fell asleep. I did about 5:30 and woke up at 7:30 when the alarm went off. I was afraid to roll over wrong and accidentaly touch him. He was in one of those moods. So he gets up this morning and is still annoyed, but as I am laying in bed with tears again, sorry hormonal pregnant lady here, he lays down with my hugs me and tells me he loves me. Then asks if I know that. Yes I know that or I would have left long ago. The man has no idea what I have given up for him or what dreams I have changed in order to fit him into my life. He still doesn't understand that I do not fit in very well here. Yes people like me, but it is not the same. It is not like I can run over to Kimmy's and cry on her shoulder. She is 300 miles away from me. He doesn't understand that. I have no family here and no one that really understands me. He got all concerned the other day about myspace and me leaving him for someone on there. UMMM no. On his way out the door he tells me that they are going to cut OUR, yes he said OUR milo this afternoon and I should come be part of it. Fine I will go down. What I am going to do I have no idea. I can't drive a grain cart, combine or the big truck. The other truck I can handle. Oh but we don't use that. So I am going to clean house. Maybe write him a letter. Sometimes that is the best way for me to get through to him. Next weekend after I get my hair cut I might go to Colorado. Which I am sure will set him off. He still has this thing with my dad. Stupid since his friends have disrespected him and me so many times and they always get forgiven. But that is another story. Alright I am going to go and get some stuff done around here. It is not a huge mess, but needs some attention.