No matter what we are going to lose this battle...

This is going to be a shitty few weeks, followed by a shitty birthday. I know that I need to take care of me, and I promise I am. Scouts honor. I got home last night and we headed to Longmont. Mom told me that Gram looked bad, and I understand what bad means with cancer patients. She was right, she looks awful. SHe woke up and talked to me. Mom and I changed her sheets and her nightie cause she spilled her water. Of course she argued, and I told her tough cookies you are not laying here wet. When we rolled her to me she patted my tummy and talked to it. I almost cried. I can't do that in front of her though. I am the tough one. Always have been. She doesn't have pneumonia, but her O2 sats suck. She is on 4L and they can barely keep her at 90%. So in the world of medicine, that I probably should have entered after my mom, that means bad things. Mom and I both know that the end is closer than anyone will believe. I am going to see how the weekend progresses and if I have to stay I will, or run home get Derrick and some things I will. Like I have already said getting me to leave will be a chore. Pretty sure that before Thanksgiving we are going to have to say goodbye. She just doesn't have much fight left. She weighs 99 lbs and was 139 when she got diagnosed in June. She has the bruises everywhere, no hair, and is totally emaciated. I hate this. I did really good last night, all the way through dinner and until I went to bed. Then I lost it. Mom is not coping well right now and she doesn't need to see me totally lose it. I have to be strong for her and Gram. The rest of my family can kiss it. THey are dramatic enough for the whole world. I talked to Derrick after I was done crying, and somehow started crying again. He told me he would do anything we needed right now. I told him to go and have fun, but check in and keep his phone where he could hear it. Just in case. If he has too he can have his friend fly him into Loveland and I can go get him. I know that this first birthday that we don't get to celebrate together is going to be rough. Yes it is 6 months away, but has always been ours. So I just don't plan on having anymore.

I am going up there this morning, then Mom and I are going to get a gift for Heida, and register me at target. Later we are going back then to Ft. Collins to look at my cribs. I will be at the nursing home most of the day tomorrow and I am going to see my Grandps. I always thought he would be first. He has been so sick for so long. But he keeps fighting. Moral of the story is smoking is bad. I am going to lose two grandparents to smoking. One to lung cancer and one to emphysema and COPD. I hate that...