Read at your own risk...not having a good day.

I am not handling this bedrest thing well at all today. Derrick was home all day, and I should have been fine, but I am not. As soon as he left I had a major meltdown. Of course he lets the wet dogs in, and just leaves. I have to get them out, and when I called for help he freaks. I am very insecure right now about everything and he doesn't get that. He doesn't get anything. He can come and go as he pleases and I am stuck to the damn couch. I wonder if there is such a thing as antepartum depression. If there is I have it. I spent 45 minutes sobbing for no real reason. I have all of these fears, and I know they are totally irrational and stupid, but in my head they are very real. There is FD happening in this house, not because I don't want to but because we can't. It could cause more contractions. Great, so now I have a major fear that he will find someone else. I know how stupid it is, but it has happened to me before. Not with him, and I know I should not let my past bad relationships ruin this one. But the bottom line is once you have been burned it haunts you. I feel like an outsider in my own world. I have few friends that actually call or come to see me. Okay, I have two. Kimmy and Dez. They are the only ones that call or come over, well, Kimmy doesn't cause she lives 4 hours away. Other friends called when they found out and promised to come see me or call, and nada. If that is being a friend then I don't need it. So it is me and the cat for the most part. There is no one else around when Derrick is working, and when he works from home he is on the phone all the time. I just want to not feel so useless, worthless, guilty, etc. You name it and if it is negative I feel it. I know part of this is still me reeling from Gram. Oh and btw, my calf died. It was unnecessary and if we would have just left her on hay and her bucket she would be fine. But nope, we had to put her on the cow with mastitis and bad milk, oh and now she is gone. I am pretty pissed since I worked so hard to save her. She was mine. I am not supposed to be bitter about anything. Derrick just doesn't get it, all he ever says is "aren't you happy to be pg?" Well of course dumb fuck. But, there are other things that don't make me happy. I love what I do for a living, yes days off are nice, but 14 weeks with no babies and nothing to do but sit with my thumb up my ass, not fun. I miss my Gram. I feel like I am at the bottom of his list. I have gotten lower and lower the more pg I get. He has to get his fun outta his system before they are here. Great, I will just lay here and mope. That is all I am good for. I can't even write a productive paper. This is fine, but once I start something academic I get block. It sucks. This is rambling and I am totally aware of that. I don't care. I am tired of feeling like the ugly, fat, blob. That is what I feel like and there is nothing I can do about it. They tell you to get dressed and do your hair, but what in the hell is the point if I am just going to lay on the couch. At least tomorrow I get to go to the Dr. The highlight of me week. I got to ride along when we went to get the steer we had butchered, and I asked to go to the yummy Mexican place, but nope, he had to get home to go play cards. Fuck cards, fuck darts, fuck his buddies. I am sick of it. I am sick of being alone.