I am know a I am strong person, and I am sure that God knows that too. So my question is this, can we please stop testing just how strong and let me have a few moments of peace? That would be fantastic. I skipped class today, I was awake most of the night with a pounding head. Midrin was not working, so I drove home and took phenergan. Now I feel dopey and I don't like it much.

The migraine was brought on by a particular, well two actually, events. My mom called yesterday and was in the ER with my Gram. They thought she might have had a stroke, instead she has metatastical lesions to her brain. She quit smoking 15 years ago and no one thought to shoot a chest film in all that time, she has lung cancer with mets. Three on her brain and one to her liver. This is what I know so far, they are going to biopsy her liver this afternoon and start radiation to her mets in her brain. They were talking to the radiation oncologist when I talked to mom. I don't know if they will do a PET scan, I hope so. I am entirely positive that my whole obnoxious family is there and half of them will be making a scene. I wish it was just mom, but whatever. My family is stupid. Mom said my one aunt was hysterical. Somehow they will make this about them, I know that and have known that for years. My bitch cousin had her twins Tuesday. She is most likely ticked that this is stealing her thunder. They are the most self centered shallow group I know. Anyway, the girls are healthy and she got her tubes tied. Thank God. I had planned on going home tonight but can't cause of the headache. I hate these things.

I am sad, angry, hurt, and scared. Why now? Why my gram? I love her to death, she is awesome. I want her to be here and be able to be with us. I have had enough death to last me a lifetime in the last few years. I can't do it anymore. I don't think I strong enough to keep doing the IF thing and handle all of this. I sound selfish, and I hate that too. I am pooped. That is all there is too it. Derrick is cutting wheat, that is good. He is tired too. He is worried about me, and wants to go with me this weekend, but can't. I swear if my cousin and her POS husband are there and say anything about him not being there, I am gonna let them have it. At least my husband works to provide for his family. I am gonna go and lay back down and wait for mom to call me and tell me what the oncologist said.