Funny feelings of babies in my chest!

So pretty sure that either I have some serious gas...which is true actually, or I am having braxton hicks. I don't care for it no matter what the hell it is. My son, of course, is clear up in my right side pushing on my lungs. That was not comfy. He has since moved down and is not trying to suffocate me. I think his sister was trying to turn or something and forced him up there, or he just thought it was a good place to be. They are moving lots and I love that. It is really cool to just lay there and feel them. I love being pregnant, and I am not complaining about it. I am aware that my hips are going to hurt, so is my back, and there are going to be wierd things. I could do without the constipation, yes I still have it, and the gas. I talked to my mom, cause I was starting to really wonder what in the hell was happening. I don't think they are contractions, cause my whole tummy isn't hard, just up high or where one of them is pushing out hard. They don't hurt they just are uncomfortable. I don't want to call my OB but am going to in the morning. Mom and Derrick want me to call just to make sure. If she says no bus Saturday, I have not clue one what we are going to do about one acts. I am pretty nervous about it. Not that I want to spend four hours each way on the bus, but still this is kinda my thing. My kids have worked really hard at this so I want it to be good. I am off to lay back on the couch and watch a movie or fall asleep. I should have the paperwork covered here for the next few days, it is my desk at school that is a disaster.

Home to begin my second job...

I really should ask to be paid for this. But because I am his wife I won't. The trucks are rolling. YAY! That is one huge headache gone. I have drivers coming to fill out paperwork. Maybe I should have gotten something other than an English degree. Something like accounting or business. I really have little clue what I am doing, and the only thing saving my ass is the fact that I am neurotic about being organized. So that helps. Needless to say I am pooped.

You would think that after 5 days off I would be recovered, but nope. I spent my time off cleaning and sorting. It really felt good. I threw away two huge boxes of crap from the office, and have several more in the closet to go through. I didn't get bathrooms or floors done, but I got the office all set up and organized and we got cribs up. For the most part things are coming together. Friday I got all decorated for Christmas, which just makes me happy.

In the process of cleaning things out I have done some pretty good therapy. I just need to keep going through stuff and getting rid of things that we don't need or use. Off to make dinner!

For only working four days in the last two weeks, I am tired. I know why, I have had a hard time sleeping since last Saturday. It is totally understandable. I am trying to heal, but am in the anger/disbelief stage. I am mad because this was avoidable. She could have eaten. She could have tried. Then the other part of me is sure I am going to wake up and this is all going to be a nightmare. I know it isn't, but still. Thursday went as well as it could. I felt bad for my two cousins, as their husbands were not there. That would have bothered my Gram. It was hard. The whole damn thing. I sorta feel some closure, but not much. This is going to be a hard one for me to process.

I am on a cleaning mission. I am cleaning everything, and sorting. Derrick thinks I have lost it. Right now my house is in shambles, but it is because I am going through stuff. I am going to get the office/guest room all set up this weekend. I inherited a bookshelf that is really nice from my mom, so I have big plans for it. There are things in there that can go to the crawl space and they are going. I can now get rid of the ugly shelves in there and make it look nice. It will actually be a nice place for Derrick and I to get stuff done. I can't write in a mess. I am also getting the nursery set up and cleaned. Not that it is dirty, but there is stuff in the closet in there too that goes to storage. We did not think about storage when we built this house. Our hole to the crawl space is half covered by the duct work. That means none of my holiday decorations boxes will fit down there. I cleaned the kitchen and did all the cabinets yesterday, and plan on getting as much laundry as possible done tonight and some stuff filed. I have a date with the label maker this weekend.

No one is coming for Thanksgiving. I am annoyed by this, cause I was super excited. Now I have super big messes, so Iget to clean them up. Yay me! I have a shower from the work girls tomorrow. So we will see how that goes. I am off to file and clean up some stuff!

She's Gone...

and I feel lost. Kirk and I ran out to get some takeout chinese from my favorite place ever...it is still in the fridge. We had been home like 2 minutes and I hear the phone ring and crashing. Up the stairs we ran, literally, and my aunt was on the phone. Mom totally lost it. Kirk stayed home, after his year in Iraq he couldn't go. Mom, Dad, and I went up. Took like 15 minutes to get there, Dad sped a little I think. As I am sitting in the hall in her wheelchair sobbing, like 5 CNA's asked if I was alright and if there was anything they could do, yeah bring my gram back. My Dad came and got me and I went in with my Mom and my Aunts. She looked so peaceful...I guess that she stopped talking altogether about 11:30 and she went at about 2:30. We got everything all cleaned out and her clothes donated. Then waited for the funeral home. Funny, the funeral guy is a guy my parents know from way back. Mom, Dad, and my aunt went to see my Gramps. He on the other hand looked awesome today. He didn't have trouble talking, breathing or anything. He was amazing with Mom and Schar. Then he made fun of me, of course, but I am a spoiled brat by him. He told us all we had babies coming out our ears...I said I hope that is not where they come out of! I told him the Broncos won and he was happy, and told me to make fun of Derrick. He is the reason we have season tickets. I am going to have Derrick look at the ceiling later this week when he is here. Most of my family went to my Aunt's for dinner. Her inlaws are there and they made supper for us. It was nice, and you could tell how tired we all were. I guess Gram wants her ashes spread in Estes Park, and we are going to all go to the Blue Parrot in Louisville for dinner. It is going to be a private service with just family. I am not sure when, but soon. Derrick was really good. He texted me about the game, then I shot him one saying she was gone, and he called. He told me he loved me and asked if there was anything he could do. He also said her Broncos won one for her, and just the way she liked it. He is right. I think I am going to go home today and work tomorrow. We made state football, so I have stuff to do and take care of. I don't know that I will be going, I might have to find someone to take them. I think I am going to. I just want to not have to deal with that right now. I am going to go lay down some more. We all went to bed early, like 7:45 but considering we were up all night pretty much, not suprising. I am wiped, but was hungry so I had to get up and eat. I still promise I am taking care of myself. She would want that. She did after all get her wish and get a set of twins with each. She would have had a set of each. If Ash has twins, which hits the first born girl in every family so far and she is another first, Gramps with have three sets too! So I promise I am taking care of myself. My aunts even told me to sit all day yesterday and not get all worked up. Guess everyone has to have someone to boss and I got nominated!

THis is going to be a shitty week, and a shitty holiday season...

The nursing home called last night at 11:15 and told us Gram had collapsed and her O2 sats were 40 when they got her up to the potty, and took like 10 minutes to get up to 81. They told Mom that she was mottled, and death was imminent. So Dad woke me up and I threw on pants, and sweatshirt and mom's garden flip flops. We got there and couldn't get ahold of my aunt Patti, so Daddy had to go get her. Dad said she lost it when he got there, thank God for my Dad. He is being so wonderful through all of this. Gram of course knew something was up when all of her kids show up in tears and we all look like hell. I was the only grandkid there, which was fine. I sat there on the edge of her bed and did everything I could not to break down and sob. I did pretty good. I don't want her to see me cry. I am afraid that she won't let go and know that we are all okay if that happens. She kept touching my tummy and telling me she loved me. I told her how much I loved her and that it was alright to let go. SHe sorta fell asleep and I had to go. Mom forced me to go home about 1:45...Daddy had to bring me. She will fall asleep for a few minutes and wake up and want to go to the bathroom or something. She lost control of her bowels for the most part. Her radial pulse is impossible to find. I am scared she is afraid and all of the sudden wants to do anything she can to stay with us. SHe doesn't understand that not eating caused all of this, which make it that much harder for us. My cousin was there yesterday and that was alright. She is better than her older sister. I guess she asked mom and my aunts why Gram just couldn't wait until March when the babies are here. She got really upset about it. I have been asking that for months. This is not fair and it hurts like hell. I called at 7 and she was still doing the same awake, kinda sleep thing. I fell back asleep and now I am awake. My poor honey is in KC and is only staying cause I told him too. He really wants to fly out after the game tonight. I might have him. Of course I didn't have my head on Friday and have no sub plans and none of my rec letters done. I can do them here and email them. I am going to try to go home tonight and go to work for at least the am tomorrow. That way I can get the rest of the week planned. My brother was mad we didn't call him right away. He is really having a hard time, after the year in Iraq and everything he is not handling this. He told us he just doesn't have the tools and he is tired of dealing with death. Me too. I am going to go get dressed, hit starbucks and call Derrick. I really wish the babies would move big enough so Gram could feel them....

No matter what we are going to lose this battle...

This is going to be a shitty few weeks, followed by a shitty birthday. I know that I need to take care of me, and I promise I am. Scouts honor. I got home last night and we headed to Longmont. Mom told me that Gram looked bad, and I understand what bad means with cancer patients. She was right, she looks awful. SHe woke up and talked to me. Mom and I changed her sheets and her nightie cause she spilled her water. Of course she argued, and I told her tough cookies you are not laying here wet. When we rolled her to me she patted my tummy and talked to it. I almost cried. I can't do that in front of her though. I am the tough one. Always have been. She doesn't have pneumonia, but her O2 sats suck. She is on 4L and they can barely keep her at 90%. So in the world of medicine, that I probably should have entered after my mom, that means bad things. Mom and I both know that the end is closer than anyone will believe. I am going to see how the weekend progresses and if I have to stay I will, or run home get Derrick and some things I will. Like I have already said getting me to leave will be a chore. Pretty sure that before Thanksgiving we are going to have to say goodbye. She just doesn't have much fight left. She weighs 99 lbs and was 139 when she got diagnosed in June. She has the bruises everywhere, no hair, and is totally emaciated. I hate this. I did really good last night, all the way through dinner and until I went to bed. Then I lost it. Mom is not coping well right now and she doesn't need to see me totally lose it. I have to be strong for her and Gram. The rest of my family can kiss it. THey are dramatic enough for the whole world. I talked to Derrick after I was done crying, and somehow started crying again. He told me he would do anything we needed right now. I told him to go and have fun, but check in and keep his phone where he could hear it. Just in case. If he has too he can have his friend fly him into Loveland and I can go get him. I know that this first birthday that we don't get to celebrate together is going to be rough. Yes it is 6 months away, but has always been ours. So I just don't plan on having anymore.

I am going up there this morning, then Mom and I are going to get a gift for Heida, and register me at target. Later we are going back then to Ft. Collins to look at my cribs. I will be at the nursing home most of the day tomorrow and I am going to see my Grandps. I always thought he would be first. He has been so sick for so long. But he keeps fighting. Moral of the story is smoking is bad. I am going to lose two grandparents to smoking. One to lung cancer and one to emphysema and COPD. I hate that...

The boys are gone and we are pooped!

I wasn't here Thursday thank goodness. Apperantly Derrick and the boys hit their beds about 5 am. Idiots. They were hurting units Friday. All I could do was laugh at them. I reminded them that we are not 19 any more and that shit hurts way worse these days. Needless to say Derrick is still recovering from Thursday. They hunted all day Saturday and got like 6 birds. Which is fine with me, I don't clean pheasant it stinks. They went out this morning too and I didn't ask what they got. Then they came home and shot blue rock off the deck. Man do I live in hickville or what. It was rather loud for a bit, and my poor kitty hid under the bed for quite awhile. Now I have gotten things picked up and laundry done for the most part. I have no desire to mop the rest of the floors. I hate that chore. On the up side the nursery is pretty well clean. I am going to wait to deflate the airbed until after Thanksgiving so the girls can sleep in there.

I get to go home next weekend for my friends baby shower. I am excited. I don't think I have been alright at a baby shower in years. This will be a new experience. I was okay at Kimmy's, but I was hosting it and she is my best friend, so that worked. I am also going to see my Gram. I guess the cleaned out her apartment yesterday and today. Mom called to see what I wanted. Silly, but I want her pot that she makes baked beans in. I know it is wierd, but that is what I want. Kirk said that one of our cousins walked in and started bawling, carrying on and generally being stupid. Not suprised, but seriously, Gram is not gone. There is no reason for that, other than the fact that making a scene gets her all of the attention which is a huge deal for her and his sister. Nevermind the fact that her sister wrote my Gram a nasty letter about me, they boys, and Ash all being favorites and them never getting the same treatment. This letter really singled me and Ash out. Whatever, I know that Gram is anal about making sure that we are all treated the same especially gift wise. I may have gotten to spend more time with her and do more stuff, but that is cause my parents take her places with us. The hunters were outside last night and Derrick asked how it went, and I told him the whole thing. He just can't understand why my family has to make everything so dramatic and blow it all outta proportion. Neither can I. I went off when I was talking to my brother and he told me to tell my cousins what I said. I would, but you know they won't listen and won't get it. This is not one of the molehill crisises that they create in their mind, this is serious. It is not the time or the place for behaving like morons. I know this sucks and I know it is hard. I also know that no amount of attention seeking is going to keep her here. Mom said today was a bad day. I really thought Dr. P laying it on the line would help, but guess not. Derrick is doing a great job at being supportive for me and hanging in there. It will be our third go round with losing a grandparent since we have been married. Our second this year if she goes before New Year's. I had a dream last night about her funeral, but the babies were in it and they were like 9 months old.

Speaking of babies, I have a scan Wednesday. So we will know more positively what they are and Derrick gets to go. He may get seen for his knee too. I am pretty sure he tore the meniscus on his right knee. I have torn them before and everything he is describing is just what it sounds like, complete with clicking and all. I want him to have it scanned then we can see the Orthopod and discuss options. We will see!