So this weekend was not great...

actually instead it ended up sucking. Saturday was fine, I did hair and makeup for prom. We went to promenade then to play cards. Got home at 3 am Sunday morning. We were supposed to ride to Hays on the Harley, look at furniture, blinds, go out to eat for my birthday which is Wedensday. DH got a job delievering a loader to a guy about 1 hour away. So that means he needed to be up by 9 to be home by 12 so we could go. Pretty sure I couldn't get him up till 11:45. I rode with, but that is not the point. By the time we got home it was 4:30 or so. That gave us enough time to ride to hays and back. FUN...so we stayed home. I made dinner and he took a nap. He was tired. Whatever. I guess that after 7 years of this I should be used to it, and I am, but it still hurts everytime it happens. I was so dissapointed. With everything else that is going on, we need some alone time. Oh well, he promised next sunday. I better get flowers this week.

Cranky is back and it smells in here!!!

So the crankiness is back. I have not a clue what is up, but it is not good and I am tired of it. He is just so moody. He will be fine then one little thing sets him off and then he is pissed and drags it out forever! It is driving me crazy. He went to Wichita with a friend today, not happy about it, cause the more he hangs out with this person, the more I want to slug him and the grumpier he is. It is almost like he wants to go back to the party days and not be tied down. He will do what he wants when he wants and he doesn't care who wants him to do what, he is in total control. He actually told me last night he was going to start putting his foot down about things he wants. Ummm alright, then I will put my foot down and we will just see. It is like a pissing contest. Needless to say I did not sleep worth a crap. Then I get to school this morning and senior prank time. Usually they are harmles. Not this time. Poop, stink bait, oil on the floors, acetone on the floor of the girls locker room, broken desks, books everywhere. It is not pretty and fairly destructive.

To top it all of I talked to my mom this weekend. My cousin is pg with twins. She has a 1 year old and is due in July. Anyway, neither her or he POS husband have a job. They have been refused by medicaid because they are more than capeable of working, they are just lazy. So I am supposed to go to two baby showers for her, not going to either. If she dares to call and ask why, this is my response, "First of all I work for a living and I have things that I have to do those weekends. Second of all, I refuse to support or condone you and your DH begging from our family for things and money when you are perfectly capeable of finding a job and supporting your family. Yes I understand that making 9 or 10 bucks and hour sucks, but it is better than nothing. It would put food on the table. DO you realize that your children are going to be in need for everything. Twins are expensive and if they are not early and don't need special care, they are still going to cost a ton. Tell your husband to get off his lazy ass, get a job and provide for his family. Your life is the way it is becasue of the choices you have made, not because anyone did anything to you. Take reponsibility for your actions and get off your pity pot. And if you even think about asking Gram for money I will shove my foot so far up you ass it will come out your mouth. I won't be the only one. Get over yourself and do something for you and your family." I am so sick of everyone in my family wanting people to feel sorry for them and blaming everyone else for all of their problems. it drives me nuts. But then again I had to go to therapy and had to look at myself, so I get it.

Moving up in the cranky world

We only had one cranky moment last night. It was so nice. And it wasn't that bad of a cranky moment. So that is good. Maybe his massive PMS is leaving. I can only hope.

I finished a very good draft of one paper. That means that I have two in for review. WAHOOO two more to go. I feel so relieved.

We might go to Wichita this weekend. My SIL is not going to her prom, I wish she would, I don't want her to regret not going. But we are going to have to go down and help with some stuff since we are moving Grandpa into a secure Alzheimers unit. I guess he has just gotten mean and nasty. There is no way a nursing home can contain him and he can't be at home. So our project is to start tearing into the basement at the IL so we can put another bedroom down there and grandma can stay with my IL's . Derrick wants to go see the place, and so do I. That and I need to get out of Selden. It is making up both very cranky.

Speaking of dirt and concrete

Apperantly DH has decided how to do the yard. Not his area, but anyway. Our basement, which was already there and used to be its own house with no upper lever leaks. So we have to pour concrete in front of the house and we are going to pour a drive on the east side. That is great, I can go into the house after parking my car and never step in mud. The concrete in front is so that the other house won't leak. I think it is going to look stupid. On the west I can plant trees and bushes and stuff. I think I might make another space between the concrete and the grass for some bushes, but that will look stupid too. GRRRRR. I guess I am going to have to get some planters....lots of planters. Bushes by the road and in front of gparents house. If his aunt thinks I am leaving the whiskey barrels over at the old house she has another thing coming, they are moving and soon. I need to call the sprinkler guy and get that rolling too. We might need to have that done before the concrete gets done. Since we have a way lower back yard than from yard. I will make it work and it will look good, because I am just good that way.

I am having another one of those days. I don't feel that great, woke up with a headache, took stuff, and it is alright, but I would rather be at home. DH is still pretty cranky, he was better last night since he was busy all day. Maybe it is just me. I know he doesn't mean it, but dang, sometimes his tone is just nasty with me. It gets old. I think we need some time away, together with NO friends. Why is it when guys hang out with certain people they start acting like them? It drives me nuts. I think that cattle hauling thing will be good for him, it will keep him busy. And then when he comes home he will want to see me. Sometimes I feel like he comes home just to eat. He could care less if I am there or not. Something is up with him and I don't know what, but it is going to drive me crazy.

Changes and more Changes!!

More rain....not complaining since we have been so dry for so long, but I would like to get my dirt work done so we can pour concrete and get ready for sprinklers. Mud is not fun. I have a short week this week today and tomorrow with students, then Thursday I have to work the music contest. I am in a practice room, so I can bring my laptop and write away!!! I can finish Claude and start on my drama paper. Then I will have two of the four done. WAHOOO!!

DH was very cranky last night. Very cranky. The man that lines up the hay hauling jobs is totally screwing him over. He won't give DH any of the big jobs since he hired someone else. We own our own truck and trailer, so the guy only makes a little off the hay DH hauls. I get that, but this guy wanted Derrick to get his own stuff so he could take over most of the business, now he is screwing Derrick over. DH bitched all night, and I got the brunt of it. After dinner he apologized and told me his new plan. In the next six months he wants to trade our POS truck and maybe the trailer in on a new truck. Not a brand new one, but a newer one. Then he wants a bull rack so he can be a full time cow mover. It is a whole lot more money, he will just be gone a little more. After the winter that we had and the amount of money that has gone into the truck, we need the money. I am not at all excited about the idea of him being gone more. I kinda like him. LOL! He is busy in the summer since he is a farmer, but being busy during the winter would be good. With everything that is going on IF wise and not being able to work wise, he is really down. He doesn't want anyone to know that, but he is. We talked about it a little last night. I am a little worried about him, but I know that if he can get to working all the time, and get stuff to do he will be a whole lot happier. I wish I could talk him into relaxation and meditaion with me. I think it would help him so much. It has helped me!!!

Ahhhh..another 3 day weekend

not because the cancelled school, but because my car said NO and slid backwards down a hill. The Ford wouldn't have made it if I would have been driving. The Bronco had a hard time last night. Our road is not mud it is snot. Gross. So I stayed home and layed around, got a few more pages written. Now I am stuck again. Silly Claude Wheeler.

WE went into town last night to play cards. It was fun. Then as we all started to go out. Two of our friends, started asking how we were. I was honest. I am not alright, but I will be. They think that we should tell everyone this time. DH and I are not telling anyone. Our parents. Derrick then started to explain the things that we don't want to hear and they said, " well you know it is God's will." yes we understand that. But I pray for this everyday, and pray hard. I beg. He begs. We have been through hell. It sucks. This sucks. For someone that has never been through IF, they can not tell me that it is God's will. I know that, and I believe that he wants us to be parents. We will be, sooner than later. We are going out tonight. Dinner and a movie I think. I want to go to Hays and eat, shop, hit Home Depot for tile. Curtains, the good stuff. Right now I am going to finish my chores and call the theatre.

When it rains it pours...

I am working on being a better person and acceptance. I am doing pretty good so far. The hardest thing is to let go of things I have been holding onto for years. I am trying though. This week of course has sucked bad. Yesterday was one of the worst. I had someone tell me, after I asked them to stop, that a former student was pg. Not married, not ready, etc. I actually said stop don't tell me anything to this person when she said "guess who is pg!" Do people not understand the concept of no, don't. I walked down the hall crying. WTF! As the day went on I was better. Then I get home, and get the mail. There is something from my aunt, I think it is an Easter card so I open it, oh no not a card!!! My cousin's baby shower invite. She is having twins and has a one year old. I sat on the kitchen floor and lost it. I can't go anyway cause that is performance weekend. I couldn't anyway, cause I am in no way emotionally or mentally ready for something like that. My family is crazy and I am afraid that if I don't go, I will hear how selfish I am and I should be happy for her and blah blah blah. No one even knows what is going on with me, which is fine. I don't want them to. I don't want them to feel sorry for me, or pretend to and then act like they are better than me. That is how they are. I have done pretty good at accepting that, I am just not going to be part of it.

We are in a winter storm warning. It is April. We are supposed to get a foot of snow. I told Derrick to get the generator out just in case. If is snows it better do a good job so school get cancelled. I would love to stay home with DH and snuggle. Or write! I have a ton of ideas (got them trying to go to sleep). AF is letting up. Which is good, I am about tired of it. I get my blood drawn today, and I hope it has gone to 0. That way I know we are done with that phase of my life. The truck should be out of the shop today, and I hope they get some stuff done before more moisture. Maybe next week DH can move cows. We need to get in the fields and spray and work ground, Oh but it is to wet or windy. To wet is not a problem if we are going to keep getting it, but I hate the wind.