This year sucks too...

I guess last night my grandpa fell and broke his hip. He doesn't have lifeline (the push button thing that they wear when they fall) so he layed on the living room floor all night long. My aunt just happened to check on him this morning, and found him. They took him to the hospital and his temp was 91 rectal, so he got warm fluids and stuff. Anyway the hip is broken, so we are waiting to see. He is maybe the worst surgical canidate ever. He has severe COPD and emphysema from being a 3 pack a day smoker until like 10 years ago. They still hadn't seen the orthopod when I talked to mom. I wish he was in Loveland, at least we know the ortho guys there, since me, my gram, and my uncle have all been put back together by them. We get a family discount. J/K. Oh and that ortho is pretty fricking cute and so is his PA. Either way this looks bad. I might have Derrick take me half way tomorrow and meet my dad. I just have a huge fear that something will happen and I won't have been there. Did I mention that this is two months to the day after Gram died? That just makes it that much worse. I can't count the breakdowns I have had today. I know I am tough, hell you have to be to be infertile, but I am not this tough. I thought that with Gram, and I am still having a hard time with that one. I always thought Grandpa would go first, but now I need him to be here. I can't do two granparents in a little over two months. I thought I was done with funerals. I seriously cannot count the number I have been to in the last few years. This would leave my mom with no parents. Her and my Aunt Schar are his only two daughters, so at least I wouldn't have to deal with some of my family. Pinch me so I wake the hell up. Needless to say, I am not having such a hot day. Derrick is being great...he doesn't deal well with this, so he just has to sit there and let me cry and rant. I promise I am fine, actually my aunt (she is not his daughter) emailed us this morning and let us know. I read the email, and lost it promptly, Derrick came into the office and read it. He went totally silent. I don't think he knows what to say. I also think that whatever he does say I may take wrong. He can't tell me it will be alright and he will be fine, because I know better. Grandpa is 79 years old and at that age in his condition a broken hip is like a death sentence. No matter what this outcome is going to be shitty. When I called I got asked if I was sitting and my other Aunt (she is the only full sister to Mom) said "she damn well better be". Geez. I can't win. I am having a massive amount of guilt for not being there this time, I was there every time Gram was in the hospital or went home shortly after. I was there when Grandad was in the hospital and died. I have always been there, and I will be damned if I am not there this time. I should have spent more time with him. I am just not handling this well. I am sure the pregnancy hormones are totally not helping. I do wonder if my grandparents will bicker in heaven like they did here. I wonder if she will still call him a creep and ask about his pimp car, and if he will still call her a nag and stuff. That makes me smile a little. I guess all I can do is hope like hell that he makes it until I get there and more like until he sees the babies. That is all I wanted when Gram died was for her to meet my kids and I want him to see his only greatgrandbabies. I know it is alot to ask, but I can hope for that miracle can't I?