Still broken, but on my way to repair.

There is no way around it, this sucks. Anyone that has ever had to live through it knows that this is hell. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It is crap. I forgot to ask about the number being at 0, oops. I will ask when I call my nurse, or if she calls me back. I should have started that with my RE called. He was wonderful and very kind. We have plan B FET in place. I am supposed to call as soon as my period starts, then I start BCP on day 3 and create a calender. That made me feel better. We will thaw 5 of the 10 we have and transfer 3. OMG 3!!! The rate of trips is less than 5% so I am good with that. We are looking at the middle or the end of May. I will be almost done with school, and ready to start Grad school for the summer, which is suprizingly relaxing for me. I love being a student I would do it full time if someone else would foot the damn bill. In the meantime, I am going to start accu and keep clensing my life of toxic things. I am going to get my papers done. I am almost there on two. I have one submitted to my prof for help, and am on pg 11 of another one. Then I have two more. Haven't even started. I will get there though. I am such a procrastinator!!! Naughty me.

I feel better, and I can do this. I know I can. I have to do somethings for myself, and they involve things I never thought I would do. I am going to try to be a better person, so I am going to call a truce with some people. I am not saying that her and I are going to be friends, but we have to have the ability to be civil. I can do that, but there are going to be boundaries, and lots of them. I am not going out of my way to make this happen, it will just happen. I have to let go of some things and move on. Holding grudges is not healthy and I am going to be healthy. I have been through therapy and I have those tools, so it is time to use them. This is one of them. My next project is resentments and amends. That is a big one.

I. broken....

I don't know what to think, feel, say, or do. I just hurt and cry. This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to stay pregnant and have a baby. Not lose it. It hasn't even started yet, so I am sure the day that AF shows I am going to be a basketcase. I am already. Dr. S called today and said we didn't have to wait. After my beta goes to 0 and I have one normal period I can do a FET. I guess I am going to have to pick myself up and keep going. I have no choices. I can turn inward, which is already happening. Derrick and I really haven't talked about it. I am kinda afraid to. We both know that we want to do the FET asap. I just don't want to feel this pain. It sucks. No one should have to go through this ever. This is bullshit and that is all there is.

It is freaking snowing!!!

It is April and it is snowing. I am ready for spring. Or if it is going to snow, let us go home. It is cold and I want to go snuggle up on the couch or in my bed. Dr. S said I can take a phenergan for my cough tonight. It won't hurt anything and I cannot stop coughing. But I have to wait until I get home cause it makes me so sleepy. I got up this morning simply because Derrick was snoring like a banchee. Holy cow, he is so loud!!! he sounded like a truck being started. Then after I get up he rolls on his side and stops. I could have slugged him. I have so much to do. I need to clean the floors and bathrooms. Then after I get my secretary I can put more stuff away, and my house will look a little more put together.

On the pg front, I discovered that the chicken fried steak I made last night was a no go. Nothing sounds good right now. I think it mostly has to do with the cold. I am exhausted, which I don't know if it is because I am pg or because I am on a massive amount of progesterone. I want to sleep and sleep. Maybe if I do that I will feel lots better. I am going home and doing floors, folding clothes, cleaning the bathrooms and sleeping. I think Derrick will want to play cards, so I can get some things done. I am ready for my curtains to go up!!! It will make my house look homey.

Still going up, just slowly

today besides the fact that the little ass that drew my blood totally bruised me and left a big knot on my vein. I am pretty sure the vein in my left arm is shot. The guy was a guy that I didn't know and had to be a temp or new. I am gonna aask Collette on Friday. I am going to make damn sure she is there when I go in. I know she knows what she is doing. Anyway my BETA was 40. Not quite doubled, and not to 100, but going upwards. I am happy just a little nervous. I still feel icky, now it is moving into my chest. That concerns me since I get bronchitis really easy. Derrick is sick too. He has a really bad head and chest cold. He was already in his pj's on the couch in a blanket when I got home at 6:00. He whined all night long. He hardly ever gets sick, so he can be a baby. I did have to pull the I am pregnant and sick card when he asked me to rub his feet. He asked is I was going to do that for the next 9 months. Nope just when I don't want to do something. I am craving chicken fried steak so that is what we are having for dinner. Mexican night at the bar sounds good though. I just can't take all of the smoke in there. So we are going to eat and watch Eurotrip. We started it and both fell asleep. Is it the weekend yet? We have a four day weekend, and my parents are coming to help me hang curtains and the outside lights. Derrick and I cannot figure out the curtains my mom made, so she has to come and help. I am meeting my parents at my Gram's to get my seretary FINALLY. And what ever else I want.

Oh happy days!!!

I am in a fantasic mood. Finally, I am officially pg!!! My level was only 28 and my progesterone was 20. So I of course have a second draw Wednesday morning. This time I am going to Colby cause they get stuff done much faster!!! Then I have to hurry back and rate speeches. WHOA!!! That and I have to do PIO and prometrium. I don't care as long as this little guy sticks!!! I called my mom and asked her if she was ready to be a grandma! She is so happy. Derrick called his mom and had to talk to his dad cause Karen was driving, he said he could hear her asking millions of questions. Well, Ron told her to "chill out Grandma they are pg". The only other person I told was Kimmy, she SCREAMED!!

I guess Grandpa freaked out after the sale. He saw people taking stuff after the auction and got really mean and totally freaked out. They took him to the home last night and that is where my inlaws were on the way home from. It is better for now, I just hope he is not there long, or it could be really bad.

My allergies are still making me nuts, and eventhough she said I can take something, I am not gonna. I am going to give the bean every single chance possible to snuggle down in there good!!! I am tired as all get out. I really want to go home and sleep. Derrick finally got home last night from a wild goose chase the last two days. Hay hauling is the order of the rest of the week. Which is good, cause he will be home and before 11:30.

Is it 5:00 yet?

So I had my labs drawn this morning, and come to find out, they have to be sent to North Platte. So the results won't get back until early evening. I so wish that I would have stayed an gone to the RE this morning or called in sick and gone to Colby. I know they can run a BETA there on site. So I am mad at myself. I am tired of waiting. Derrick is getting loaded somewhere east of Wichita and then on his way back to Hoxie. So he will be home tonight. I made him call me every hour last night to make sure he was alright while he was driving the four hours east from Dodge. I could not sleep, mostly cause I was worried about him falling asleep and that I am excited, scared, nervous about my results. My friend from school wants me to call her today no matter what, but I don't think I can. I love her to death, but I know what she is going to say and it involves this being God's will and it will happen in time. I cannot hear that from anyone. I told Kim yesterday when she asked me if I would be alright if it was negative, "No, but I have to be. I will have to pick myself up and keep going. I have to make myself alright." I also told her that there was no way I can talk to Heid. I love her, but she can be very judgmental and thinks she understands and she has no idea. I have to call my mom and Derrick's mom. We have orders to call my MIL. I am going to be nutso before the day is over.

Seriously, Monday cannot get here soon enough!!

I know that wishing for a Monday is taboo, but for goodness sake!! I haven't cheated, mostly cause there are no HPT's at my mom's house and I have been to busy with the shower to go get one. I am so nervous, and scared to death.

The baby shower went awesome. It was fun and I got to see some friends that I hadn't seen since my wedding. I can't believe that we are this grown up. It seems like yesterday that we were in high school. Next year will be 10 years. OMG!!! It does not seem possible. It is amazing that my best friend is still the same person I sat next to simply because my last name was Terry and hers was Uhrich in 6th grade art. Over all the years nothing has changed. We are still the same, no matter what we are there for each other and there are no expectations on our friendship. It is the most wonderful supportive friendship I have ever had or ever will have. In real life. Which is also strange, because some of my closest friends now I have never met in person, and may never meet. But these are the people that are with me everysingle day and know what I feel and understand everything about me. They are wonderful women. I am grateful for them, even if it is a crappy reason that we are friends. Without them I would really be a mess right now!!! Alright, I am going to go take a shower and get ready to have breakfast with Kimmy. I am going to take shower pictures to her!