June is almost gone!!

Holy cow! What a busy month. I am pooped out. I am done with June classes and just finished one more paper from last summer. Two to go. I have reading to do for next week. Thank goodness nearly everything we are reading I have already read before and I just have to review. YAY for me!

On the home front. Gram went home yesterday. Mom said she is in her don't do anything for me, cranky mode. I know that everyone has been hovering and it makes her nuts. The good news is that for the most part the cancer is pretty treatable. The radiation has helped her hand be able to work. She was getting really bored and wanted to go back to work. I think she is going to try to go back next week. Her and I had some really long talks last weekend when it was just me and her at the hospital. I think she liked that. I am the one person that she can say nearly anything to without getting all butt hurt. Sometimes I feel like the objective outsider. I am sure the nurses wanted to kill my family. They can be a loud bunch. It does not help that my mom had to tell everyone that we are not complaining about anything, then my aunt had to lay into my cousin right away. I think the fact that everything was happening really fast was overwhelming, but great. Since my mom works for the company that owns the hospital and is kinda a big wig, and knows all the docs, stuff moved right along. Way faster than if gram would have been somewhere else. I like the nurses for the most part, and the doc was amazing. I am alright with things, and having my gram to myself always helps me. I get to do that alot and always have. Maybe that is why my cousins get all ticked at me. I don't think they understand some things. I was supposed to be born on her birthday, I have never had a birthday party with my family without her. My cakes always said Dana and Grandma. I am named after her. Actually, we are the only three named after anyone in our families. Her real mom died on my birthday. So the ties are really strong. Until my cousin messed it up, the first born of each generation had had the first born and they were always girls. At my great-gram's funeral there was four generations of first born girls. Wierd. I told my parents that there would be no fighting amongst the cousins. Gram doesn't want that. I also got informed that I am going to have to give my boycott of things involving one of them up. Just for Gram's sake. That is all.

I am tired and we are going to softball tonight, so I am gonna take a nap. I feel great about the things I got done today, so I deserve one!

I am know a I am strong person, and I am sure that God knows that too. So my question is this, can we please stop testing just how strong and let me have a few moments of peace? That would be fantastic. I skipped class today, I was awake most of the night with a pounding head. Midrin was not working, so I drove home and took phenergan. Now I feel dopey and I don't like it much.

The migraine was brought on by a particular, well two actually, events. My mom called yesterday and was in the ER with my Gram. They thought she might have had a stroke, instead she has metatastical lesions to her brain. She quit smoking 15 years ago and no one thought to shoot a chest film in all that time, she has lung cancer with mets. Three on her brain and one to her liver. This is what I know so far, they are going to biopsy her liver this afternoon and start radiation to her mets in her brain. They were talking to the radiation oncologist when I talked to mom. I don't know if they will do a PET scan, I hope so. I am entirely positive that my whole obnoxious family is there and half of them will be making a scene. I wish it was just mom, but whatever. My family is stupid. Mom said my one aunt was hysterical. Somehow they will make this about them, I know that and have known that for years. My bitch cousin had her twins Tuesday. She is most likely ticked that this is stealing her thunder. They are the most self centered shallow group I know. Anyway, the girls are healthy and she got her tubes tied. Thank God. I had planned on going home tonight but can't cause of the headache. I hate these things.

I am sad, angry, hurt, and scared. Why now? Why my gram? I love her to death, she is awesome. I want her to be here and be able to be with us. I have had enough death to last me a lifetime in the last few years. I can't do it anymore. I don't think I strong enough to keep doing the IF thing and handle all of this. I sound selfish, and I hate that too. I am pooped. That is all there is too it. Derrick is cutting wheat, that is good. He is tired too. He is worried about me, and wants to go with me this weekend, but can't. I swear if my cousin and her POS husband are there and say anything about him not being there, I am gonna let them have it. At least my husband works to provide for his family. I am gonna go and lay back down and wait for mom to call me and tell me what the oncologist said.

Feeling a little insecure

AHHH the joys of being a student. Really for the most part I like it. I am just tired. I feel a little overwhelmed right now and I am sure the lupron is not helping anything. I want to go home and be with my honey, but we cannot afford the gas to do that daily. So one more night and I will be at home with him for one night this week. They should be about ready to cut wheat. That means a BIG paycheck for us. WAHOOO!!! We may be able to pay half of the FET out of pocket. I am tired of being broke.

Funny story yesterday. Derrick called last night and was telling me about his day, by the way, the man has the worst luck sometimes. He was at the feedlot unloading hay and went to jump over a urine/poo puddle that they have in places. He said it was not that big and it looked solid. As he went to plant his foot it was not solid and he face planted in the smelly puddle. He had to go to walmart in Colby and get different clothes. OMG I was laughing really hard.

Speaking of him, I am not sure if I am just feeling insecure again or what, but I am feeling a little left out of his life. I know I am away, but when I am home it seems like he doesn't care. I am sure this is all the meds talking and my feelings of inadequacy since once again, damn near everyone around me is getting knocked up. His one friend is really testing me again. Like he is expecting way to much from Derrick and it is almost like a pulling match. This same friend and I have gone at it several times because of the way he behaves. I don't know if Derrick is freaking out about everything too or if he is depressed. Well, I think that might have something to do with it. He actually said something like that the other day. I am a little worried. His behavior is wierd and I don't like it. Something is up. I know this time of year is always bad for him, but still. I am trying my best not to be a cranky bitch or cry, but I am finding it hard sometimes. I am ready for the FET to be here and to be pg. I know he loves me more than anything and we are the perfect pair, we are just going through a moment. I think I am going to see if we can do something just us next weekend, no friends, no anything, just the two of us. Nothing that involves the RE or anything else. We need a break from life. I don't care if it means we haul cattle for a day together. I just want to hang out with him.

This time around is rough!

I don't remember being this pissed last time. I can go from crying to just pissed to fine in about 5 seconds. This is not a side effect I remember having. Needless to say, I don't like it much. Derrick doesn't either. But then again, his teenage boy behavior last night about earned him my foot clear up his ass. Birthday or not he was being a fucking idiot. Lupron or no I would have been pissed. I love him to death, but sometimes I want to beat him. Last night was one of those times.



On top of that something bit my left foot, and not him doing something kinky. It hurts and is all red. I have one little white zit looking thing on it, and around it itches like hell.

We threw a BBQ last night. It was fun for the most part. I just was in an alright mood for most of it. Just a few moments of bitchy. Seriously, I hate this. I can't help anything that is happening. I will trade this for hot flashes any day! I really want to spend some alone time with my honey, but he had to take the concrete crap back to town. He said he would be here early so we can make dinner and watch a movie. I hope so. I will be gone next weekend to a wedding. I am kinda excited for it. He is going to start cutting wheat soon, so that means I want to be as far way as possible. He gets really grumpy, and with my mood swings, it could be dangerous. I am sure my idiot cousin will have her children by then too. I of course am going no where near that, so my family will be mad at me, but there is no way in hell I can hold it together through that. The good news, my Gram told me she is getting her tubes tied. Good since they can't support the kids they have.

Okay I am off to do some stuff to get ready for the week. Fun for me!

Damn, I am cranky...

This week is kicking my ass. I did great on both tests I took and my presentation. I am just pooped. I cleaned house this morning, well sort of. I did the bathrooms and the floors. Then of course Derrick comes home and finishes the shower, and cuts the air return. Makes a big fat mess. Then left, I want to slug him. Today is his birthday, so I have to be nice, but he is making it hard right now. He has sand in his mangina.

I kinda want to lay down and take a nap, but I am waiting on fed ex to get my lupron here. It is supposed to be here by 4. It fucking better be. It is time to start being a pincushion again, and lets move it. Good thing we have a/c now, or life would be not fun for anyone around me. For some, I just don't give a rats ass if they think I am a bitch. It happens, I am. I am just in the mood to be a bitch right now. So I better just stay away from everyone. Not like there is really anyone I want to be around right now anyway. Well, actually I want to go home and go shopping with my mom and Kimmy. That would make me happy.

I think I am gonna go repaint my toes, that always makes me happy.

Week one down!!

And I am barely floating. Actually I am alright. Just have tons to do. I am presenting Monday on a novel. I just finished it and I might do my 19th cent American Lit paper on the temperance movement in that novel. Maybe. My history of english class....has the most annoying fucking woman ever in it. She makes all these hmmm, ahhh, ohhh noises. Did I mention that she sits right behind me. Then today we were supposed to identifying pronouns and fucked up syntax in a piece of Old English, and she was reordering the sentences. OMG woman that is not what we are supposed to be doing. There is another girl in there that speaks German too, thank goodness I did that BTW, and we are gonna slug this chick. Actually there are several of us that want to punch her. She may get it before the end of June.

Derrick is hauling hay again, which is awesome, cause I want new furniture. I went and looked, and found some for a pretty decent price at the Ashley store. I think total for a sofa, loveseat, chair, and ottoman it will be like $1800. Which is pretty good. There is no wheat in OK, so he is not going anywhere. Now I will be the one gone for our anniversary. I am going to see if he will come to Hays and take me out to dinner. I bet he will have to work, but I can hope. If not, my roomie and I are gonna make Taco Salad. YUMMMM. I am living with one a my very good friends from my undergrad years there. She is single and awesome. Derrick was so worried that we were going to go out and party, we spent last night at walmart, then cutting up a watermelon. We are party animals let me tell you!

Okay I am off to read the critical review and make some notes. I have two tests next week, so I have to stay on top of stuff.

I suck at chasing cows!!

Derrick went to gutter this morning, Grandpa and Grandma are helping his aunt move. So that means I am home alone with the dogs. My dogs by the way are worthless when it comes to helping chase cows. I look out the back door and we have 1 yes just one steer calf out. He was wiened but apperantly didn't like the other pasture and jumped the damn fence. So I go down there in my jammies and try to get him in the one gate that is there. No he runs away from me in the trees. So I go check the other pasture to make sure no other cows are out, and check fence. Nothing else is wrong. I go back and see if I can get the little fucker to do something when I am on the 4 wheeler. Hell no. So I called Derrick and told him I was done chasing the little shit. So he is just hanging out in the trees down there chillin. Ah the joys of being a farmers wife!!!

We are selling the pickup. I am so happy! It is time, we have put a new tranny in it, and new air filter, and some other crap. I have been trying to get him to sell it for 6 months. Well his friend wants a powerstroke and he is buying it. WAHOOO!!! It is still a damn good pickup, we just need something different. Oh and Derrick bought me my own snowmobile last night. That means that everyone else will get to ride this winter, cause I will be pregnant. It was a really good deal, and I am pumped. It is just like his with a little shorter track and a year older. I seriously could dance!! I am pumped that we get to go pickup shopping too!!