Not really sure how to respond to this one....

As I have said before my family is crazy. Sometimes not in a good way. This particular branch of my family (my uncle and his two daughters) are rather selfish, Sara is much better than Kim, but still. Anyway, both of my cousins have kids, Sara has a 3 year old and Kim has a 20 month old and 6 month old twins. Yeah she couldn't figure out the BC thing and obviously got the working ovaries. Anyway...Both of them have husbands that are fairly worthless. Kim's is not quite as worthless, but almost. When we were being tested and going through everything last year, Sara was really pretty sweet about it and fairly supportive. Kim, just acted like I was a mutant and had the plague and she might catch it. Not sure if it was the IF thing or her personal jealousy of things outside of the ability to have babies. Anyway she has been very bitter towards me for reasons unknown, take that back, I know...I am the oldest and always get everything I want and am totally spoiled. Okay first, obviously I don't always get what I want since I certainly did not want to be infertile. Some of the things I get are simply because I work my ass off for them. Like my education, my job, a nice home...it goes on. At some point after my wedding (which she was in) she stopped talking to me, unless it was a holiday and had to. Which sucked because we used to be pretty close. The last two years of her being pg and me not have probably taken a huge toll on our relationship. I am willing to admit that I had a very hard time with that whole thing. For a long time neither one of them were working. I have not clue one how they were doing it, but they were. I am not sure Shane went back to work until they found out about the girls. But again, she was not speaking to me so I don't know. I had a hard time with it...it happens. Actually most of my family has a hard time with the fact that they are both fairly lazy and he doesn't do a good job of taking care of her or the kids. We are fiercly protective like that. The other thing I had a hard time with was the letter she wrote to Gram. The letter was terrible, and blamed everyone, including my Gram, for everything that was wrong in her life. I saw it. Gram and I really didn't have secrets...one of the many benefits of spending so much time with her. I was pissed. That pretty much sealed the deal on ever having a relationship again. But because I am trying to be the bigger person, and my mom threatened me, I am trying. Her kids are adorable. I promise all of this rambling has a point and I am going somewhere. She told my mom awhile ago that she had all of these tips to help me out, and I am sure that she does. I know she really wants to be the expert on something, and she thinks this is it. I am going to let her think that. Like I told my mom and Derrick, this is not my first rodeo being around twins, and it is certainly not my mom's...my big questions are going to go to her. I think she did a fantastic job with the boys, and I was old enough to remember a good part of it. Anyway, I get an email this morning from my cousin. She has not really spoken to me since my wedding, except for a little last Christmas and some at Grams funeral. Here it is...

Hey there Dana,

How's things going for you? Good I hope. I'm sorry you're on bed rest. That has to be the worst thing in the world. I'd give you a call, but the kids are keeping me so busy right now, I'm lucky if I get to shower every other day. Gross I know, but by the time bedtime rolls around for the girls (11 o'clock) I'm so tired I don't care to shower. (It's 11:22 pm right now). I told your mom about a couple books that have been life savers for me. If you want I can get you the titles and authors and what not. I've got all kinds of hints and tips and tricks that have helped me out, I just don't know how much help you want. Let me know.
I do want to let you know a couple important things though. First, you will not get much sleep the first month, it might be hard to keep a temper down, especially when you can't get the kids to stop crying, if you feel that your temper is going to boil over, leave them in their cribs/bassinettes, whatever, leave them safe for a few and go and cool off. Trust me, most of the time you'll be able to handle 12 straight hours of crying (hopefully that won't happen..) but there might be an odd day or two in there that you won't be able to handle ANYTHING. If you can recognize that your day is not going to be a good one, get help, you will so appreciate even an hour of someone watching your kids so you can have a nap. And do for the first month, nap when they do, let the house get dirty, you will need your sleep.
The most important thing though is to cuddle and spend as much time with them the first 6 months as you can, because once they start moving and wanting to be playing on the floor, they tend to be like cats, they want attention when they want it, not when you want to give it. They will grow up fast, the months will fly by with you being so busy. Take lots of pictures and video of them, they do really change every day. Record everything that you can. It will be worth it!!
Anyways, those are the two biggest things I wish someone would have told me!! Parenthood is a cinch, don't let anyone tell you differently, or scare you. Twins are not harder than having one baby, they just take a little more of your time. You will love being a mom. I do!! NOTHING in the whole world is better, or more fun!!
I'll try to write again as soon as I can. Sooner than later.
Love you lots and hope to hear from you soon.

Kim

Now, I totally understand thatt she is trying with me, and I should try back...but I am just not sure I am ready for it. I have taken a pretty good beating over the years for things that are not my fault but end up being seen that way. Most of me was totally shocked that I even got this. Derrick told me to ask her if she had figured out how to work and raise a family, or her husband had. He is totally not a fan...at family stuff it is him that hangs out with my family and is totally part of it, and the other two husbands that are not, or just don't come. Derrick is not always there, but he is there for me when I need him, and if he is not there, it is because he is working, new concept to some. I am not scared of being a mom or being a mom to twins, that is Derrick he is the one that has moments of sheer terror about having two at once. His friends do not help. This is just my vent...I have to try. I do think it would be cool for our babies to know each other, they are not going to be that far apart. I also know that my Gram would want it that way. I guess part of this is that I still have a hard time with people that are super fertile...I always will. I know it is petty, but hey it happens. I just have to stop being bitter at her for being fertile and for the things that she has said about me, but never to me...

Seriously, hospitals should be on time...

Do they not know that waiting for news is awful...20 minutes feels like hours. I slept like crap last night. Partly cause Derrick was snoring and I could hear him from the couch and partly nerves. Grandpa went in at 8 this morning to have his hip fixed. I thought mom would have called by at least 12 my time, I finallly called her at 2. He did alright through the surgery and was awake. They did have a hard time waking him up, but he should be back in his room. He didn't end up in ICU, a possibility I was totally prepared for. They did tell them before surgery that if he starts to crash, he is a no code and under no circumstances is to be put on a vent. That was not an issue. Mom said he is pretty out of it. So now we get through this and keep going. He is a tough old fart and I am hoping that he has plenty of fight left. From the way Mom sounded he does. I will feel better when I see him and know. Talking on the phone is so hard for him considering his respitory status...talking is hard for him period. But she did say that since he was on the liquid morphine he was doing better. He has good days and bad...it happens. I feel better, but still very guarded about it. After my Granddad had surgery to fix his bowels two years ago, he was good for about 3 days. The difference here is that Granddad was tired of being in a chair and not being able to do anything...he was ready and gave up. Grandpa is not ready for that. Until the other day he lived alone, and did a fairly decent job of taking care of himself. I am ready for next weekend to be here and it to be Sunday so I can go home and see him. Of course I am looking forward to my shower, I am just ready to be with my family and stuff too.

More of the wait and see....

I talked to my mom, finally, apperantly she forgot how to answer her cell phone. Anyway, they are going to fix Grandpa's hip in the morning. They are doing a spinal, since if they put him on a vent chances are he will never come off. He doesn't want that, so they are doing the spinal and fixing it. Mom said he is in a pretty good mood and being himself. Which is a good thing. He is flirting with all of the nurses and stuff, so he hasn't lost the fact that he thinks he is God's gift to women. He knows the risks and is well aware of everything. He is mostly concerned about what this is costing him. What he doesn't understand is that he qualified for nursing home care a long time ago, so insurance will cover it. He just remembers having to be private pay for his mom and it costing a fortune. I am having a huge guilty feeling over the fact that I won't be there before he goes into surgery. I won't be there when he wakes up. Kipp is going to go down as soon as he gets up, he is working tonight. All I can do is prepare myself for the worst. Grandpa did tell mom and Schar that he wasn't ready to stop fighting, and that he didn't want them to be in that much pain since they just lost Gram. I was so happy to hear that he isn't ready to stop fighting. Mom and I did talk about the trailer he lived in, which he won't be going back to. I guess they found a bunch of $$$ last night when they went to get some stuff. Cash too...crazy old fart. Mom and Schar are going to sign it over to his cousins or whatever they are...weird is what they are...it is worth like $.50 so they can deal with it. It is going to cost them more to move it than anything. If he makes it through this and out of rehab care he will be in some sort of assisted living or nursing home. I am all for assisted living. That is where we stand on that.

If things go bad, my parents won't be here next weekend. If they are alright they are going to come out on Saturday, have Dad hang my curtains and take me home with them. Derrick is going to Vegas so I am going to their house. After he gets back and I get home we are going to finish the nursery so that everything is ready. The car seats should be here sometime next week. along with the stroller. I should go lay back on the couch, I have been up a little more today so I am tired.

This year sucks too...

I guess last night my grandpa fell and broke his hip. He doesn't have lifeline (the push button thing that they wear when they fall) so he layed on the living room floor all night long. My aunt just happened to check on him this morning, and found him. They took him to the hospital and his temp was 91 rectal, so he got warm fluids and stuff. Anyway the hip is broken, so we are waiting to see. He is maybe the worst surgical canidate ever. He has severe COPD and emphysema from being a 3 pack a day smoker until like 10 years ago. They still hadn't seen the orthopod when I talked to mom. I wish he was in Loveland, at least we know the ortho guys there, since me, my gram, and my uncle have all been put back together by them. We get a family discount. J/K. Oh and that ortho is pretty fricking cute and so is his PA. Either way this looks bad. I might have Derrick take me half way tomorrow and meet my dad. I just have a huge fear that something will happen and I won't have been there. Did I mention that this is two months to the day after Gram died? That just makes it that much worse. I can't count the breakdowns I have had today. I know I am tough, hell you have to be to be infertile, but I am not this tough. I thought that with Gram, and I am still having a hard time with that one. I always thought Grandpa would go first, but now I need him to be here. I can't do two granparents in a little over two months. I thought I was done with funerals. I seriously cannot count the number I have been to in the last few years. This would leave my mom with no parents. Her and my Aunt Schar are his only two daughters, so at least I wouldn't have to deal with some of my family. Pinch me so I wake the hell up. Needless to say, I am not having such a hot day. Derrick is being great...he doesn't deal well with this, so he just has to sit there and let me cry and rant. I promise I am fine, actually my aunt (she is not his daughter) emailed us this morning and let us know. I read the email, and lost it promptly, Derrick came into the office and read it. He went totally silent. I don't think he knows what to say. I also think that whatever he does say I may take wrong. He can't tell me it will be alright and he will be fine, because I know better. Grandpa is 79 years old and at that age in his condition a broken hip is like a death sentence. No matter what this outcome is going to be shitty. When I called I got asked if I was sitting and my other Aunt (she is the only full sister to Mom) said "she damn well better be". Geez. I can't win. I am having a massive amount of guilt for not being there this time, I was there every time Gram was in the hospital or went home shortly after. I was there when Grandad was in the hospital and died. I have always been there, and I will be damned if I am not there this time. I should have spent more time with him. I am just not handling this well. I am sure the pregnancy hormones are totally not helping. I do wonder if my grandparents will bicker in heaven like they did here. I wonder if she will still call him a creep and ask about his pimp car, and if he will still call her a nag and stuff. That makes me smile a little. I guess all I can do is hope like hell that he makes it until I get there and more like until he sees the babies. That is all I wanted when Gram died was for her to meet my kids and I want him to see his only greatgrandbabies. I know it is alot to ask, but I can hope for that miracle can't I?

For not working it was a Monday!

I talked my way into going to the cattle sale today, I can sit with my feet up there just as well as here, so I got to go. So we get there, Derrick gets the cows unloaded, and we see dumbasses pickup. Great. We went to eat at Pizza Hut before the sale and came back. I actually didn't look up at all as we were walking in, and talk about a tense lunch and fairly tense time at the sale. It wasn't as bad as the sale went on, but still not comfortable. I know we are going to run into them at some point, but I don't want to ever. I spent the whole time feeling guilty and ashamed. I hate that...after Saturday night, this was just perfect. We did talk about Saturday yesterday, and I felt better about it and still do, I just wish he would drop off the face of the earth. We then went to see one of Derrick's friends that has terminal cancer. That I was not ready for quite yet. He has a good disposition about it though. Still that made the day even worse for me, oh did I mention the two flat tires on the trailer? Seriously, it was not our day. The wife of his friend makes custom diamond jewelry and tried to sell us a past present future ring, which someday I would love to have. Derrick was talking about a friend of ours that bought his wife a new ring there, her old one was not big enough I guess, and got a really good deal. He looked at mine and said he was cheap, ummm no honey, you were not. I have the most expensive ring of all of our friends except Mitz now. Actually you could add all our friends rings together and they still are not as high as mine. I love my ring. I told him if he ever wanted to do something different in that department to get me a bigger center stone or have her make an anniversary band that would fit on it. I am spoiled. Oh well, and speaking of, I might have to take it off soon. It fits for the most part but is getting harder to get off, and I don't want to have it cut off.

I have to get grades done tonight so they can go on report cards. I hate doing grades. It sucks bunches. Anyway, I am off to do that and start the steaks in the marinade.

Here we go again....

I am tired, yes mostly because I am months pregnant, but for other reasons as well. Derrick went out last night which was fine, but when he got home at 3 or so this morning shit hit the fan again. He accused me of cheating on him, asked me when the last time something happened with dude, to which I said, I don't know whenever the lake thing was...it turned into a disaster. He slept on the couch, and I really didn't sleep. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. He needs to talk to someone cause he is making this up in his mind and I am sick of it. I have not done anything wrong, I am here day in and day out. I help him with the trucking stuff, try to be a good wife, try to be alright when he goes out, the list goes on. Now it is almost 10 on Sunday, he is in bed I think. I am avoiding wherever he is. He smells like a vodka bottle. I have some papers to grade and enter and some outlines to do for my sub. We were supposed to spend the day together and get crib mattresses put stuff in storage and just hang out. I am not sure I want to now. I don't know what I want to do. I have to take care of myself for my babies, so I will. I am emotionally a basketcase and exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. I know that he is not just going to get over it, but come on...I am here 24-7 unless I am at the Dr. This seems to happen every time he gets drunk. I am tired of it. I have not done anything, I am trying my ass off to be a good wife...but somewhere I missed the mark and turned into something else.

Musings from New Years

Tash is pg again...and telling which I wouldn't until I was out of my first tri, she has had two m/c at like 10-12wks. Anyway, the NP that she saw, who claims to have used an RE in Omaha but didn't know she should draw a BETA or P level, did after she called some other guy. Her P is 35 which is fantastic for non medicated. Mine at its highest was 46. Anyway, she said something about seeing the guy in Oakley that is supposed to have experience in OB and IF, and our friend Mitz (who is a nurse but has not clue one when it comes to IF stuff or MC stuff) went off. Tash just looked at me, so I saved her. I had to tell my nurse friend that 35 was a good level and they should watch her close, but there are certain things that can't be helped. She doesn't have low prog. level, her BETA was good, and if it is incompetance most OB's won't put a ceralage in until 14 weeks. I just hope that Tash carries this time. That would be cool. Anyway Tash went and saw the guy and was pretty impressed. I called to see how it went, and I am impressed. They are going to scan her next week to check for HB, see where it is implanted, and take a peek at her cervix. I told her the chances of this being a "love wand" scan are pretty high. She had no idea that was a possibility. They scanned me that way until 10 weeks or so, oh wait, they still do. But he also wants to see her again in two weeks and may give her PIO for a week or so. Billy said he would do it, and she said no. He argued with Derrick did Dana's, and I said he had to learn, so I told her I would do it. She said alright since I know the tricks of the trade to make it hurt a whole lot less. It still hurts mind you, but less. I want to throw her a baby shower and Derrick thought that was a good idea, since she never has had one, not with Beetle and that was 7 years ago. So they really don't have anything. She is also going to get plenty of handme downs.

I can't believe that my shower is in two weeks. I am excited, still feel like I am dreaming most of the time and I am going to wake up at any moment. My parents are coming out to hang curtains, Derrick and I cannot tackle that together when I am not on bedrest. Then I am going home for 5 days while he goes to Vegas. I wanna go! He just realized the other night that this was the first time since we have been married that we have done a big trip, business or otherwise alone. He goes snowmobiling without me sometimes or hangs out in Denver while I go home and see friends sometimes, but as far a big stuff goes we are ALWAYS together. I think this is going to be harder for him than he thinks.

My last appt went well, I passed the GD test, my ffn was negative, and my cervix hasn't changed. I have a nasty cold or am working on one...I have been since Christmas. Derrick kinda has it too. Neither one of us feel to great. He had to go drive today. It is supposed to be nice out this weekend so he can get the pickup fixed and take my car into town to have the estimate done. It still hasn't gotten done since we have been a vehicle short. Alright I am back off to the couch...I need to get motivated and do outlines for next quarter, but don't feel like it.