Christmas hell

We made it through Christmas relatively unscathed. I say relatively and mean it that way. I about smacked the shit out of Dianne. I have no idea what her deal is, but I am really tired of it. She is just nasty to us, unless we are doing what she wants to do. Sunday was fine because we did everything she wanted. I almost beat my hubby when he let her drive my car, and took the keys promptly when we got to the restaurant. She cannot drive anything relatively sporty, doesn't get the V6 thing. I can't imagine if she was driving the old jeep, we would have propelled through the house. Anyway she basically tells us what we are eating for appetizers, what games we are playing, etc. So that night is fine. Monday we had to run errands, well we went to the Olive Garden for lunch...I almost killed her. She is lactose intolerant, or so she says...when it fits her. She throws a fit about cheese on the salad, orders something with cream sauce, takes all the good stuff outta the salad and pouts. We were talking about the babies with Liz and she got all huffy. Derrick said something about her watching them sometime and she pipes off with "You know that will never happen." Nope bitch. It won't, I wouldn't leave my rat alone with you. Never once did she ask about how things were going, or anything. Whatever that is fine, but don't be a snot when someone else does ask. On the way into Borders to get my SS gift she slams the car door and storms off. I told Derrick I was about to knock her into next week, and he sent me to the other side of the store to make me cool off for a minute. I planted my ass on the floor in the lit section and got a cool book about how nasty Shakespeare is, she rolled her eyes at me when I bought it. We went home to get something and I was holding to door for her since she had her hands full, no thank you, so I snapped a "Your Welcome" at her. Another nasty look came my way. Not tiptoeing anymore. We ran to Target via wheelchair and Hallmark, and I guess Derrick snapped at her in the car while Liz and I were in Hallmark. He told her that she was a snot and if she hated her family so much to go somewhere else, and she had better get used to the idea of me being part of the family because I have been for several years and that is not changing. He also told her if she couldn't be nice we were going to leave her out. Basically she got ignored the rest of the weekend by me. I just don't think I could have been nice anymore. On Christmas the girls (Em and Liz) got cell phones and she stomped outta the living room. Needless to say she basically claimed her mom's phone for 3 years and got a car given to her and has never paid her own insurance. She got snotty again when Karen told me they ordered our carseats for us. I am so done with it. I hope she isn't there for Em's graduation. I don't want to be anywere near her. She won't come out here for Christmas next year unless she can be nice, if she can't I am going to tell her to get the hell out. Enough of my rant.

Other than that there is not a whole lot going on...we are going to hang out here for New Years...not to exciting. Liz is here being my slave...she is so cute...good slave!

Back from the DR.

Everything still looks good. My cervix is still 3 cm and closed. So that is good news. The babies are doing great and are very active. Last night one of them shoved their feet out and I had a hard visible lump until I tickled them and they moved. It was pretty cool. I have to go back the 2nd for my GTT, another FFN, u/s, and appt. I will be so excited when trips to the dr. involve me leaving my pants on! LOL!!! She did say we could FD, as long as we were careful. That makes me so happy. I was getting rather bitchy about it. Maybe I can get my pent up bitchies out before Wichita.

I guess we are going to TGIF on Sunday for supper then playing board games at home. They wanted to go bowling and I kinda got the impression from Dianne that the only reason they weren't was cause I couldn't bowl. I can sit there with my feet up and watch. I just hope it all goes smooth. I am kinda dreading it for more than one reason.

I switched purses this morning and had to clean the new one out, and found last years Christmas card from my Gram...which promptly launched me into tears off and on for the rest of the day. I am not looking forward to the holidays without her, and not in Wichita. I feel guilty for not being with my family. I am a little ticked at Kirk for going to Carolina with the whore instead of staying home. BTW...I hate my brother's girlfriend. If you look on my myspace and click on Kirk then on his click on Coyotelover and check out her pics from Coyote Ugly in Denver. Ummmm WHORE! Other than that there is not a whole lot going on. We are going to stay home tonight and hang out and watch movies. He should be home about 7.

What a morning already!

The phone rings this morning, twice. Once it is a friend needing Derrick to come and drive concrete truck. That is fine since he did all our concrete flatwork for free! THen it rings again and it is one of the drivers. He is broke down, not in our truck but in one of the peterpullers. Derrick gets up, is totally ticked because it is in the road I guess, and starts to head out. He calls back and dumbass is out of fuel. Okay, you went through a place to get fuel like 20 miles ago, do you know what a fuel gage looks like? So we have a tank, but it used to have farm fuel, so it is going to be tinged red. But we have no choice, and Billy is pissed about it. Same guy that was pissed the sand froze in the trailer after Derrick told them to load and get their asses home. They stopped and ate at some buffet and it froze. He didn't even help chip it out, he stood there and told Derrick he didn't know what he was doing and he didn't know how to drive truck. Derrick, Sam, and Ryan chipped out three trailers. THey were not happy. I am kinda suprised that Billy still has his head after that deal. Dude has been driving for 2 years and thinks he is super trucker cause he has a fancy pete. Hey genius, Derrick has been doing this 10 years and yes has run out of fuel, been shut down for being over on hours, etc, but that is when he was fricking 18 and worked for the evil man that ran their asses off. Derrick is pissed. I don't blame him. He almost forgot socks, and stomped out the door. Cady just sat there and looked at him funny. Like, wow, Daddy is mad! He should be. I am a little annoyed, that guy should wear a sign. An "I'm stupid" sign. I might make him one. I know that when Derrick gets to the truck there will be a huge blow up. Ahhh...how fun...that is my morning.

I have had a few more contractions lately. Not a ton, just maybe they are harder. Or maybe I have gas...I got Derrick's cold and am trying to force tons of fluids and get as much rest as possible. My mom was out and cleaned our house, so that is not an issue. It looks awesome. I guess we are leaving for Wichita Sunday, and having a sister night. Which can I say I am totally dreading. Dianne better be nice or I will give her a piece of my pg mind. It just happens these days! Off to eat...I am hungry!

Read at your own risk...not having a good day.

I am not handling this bedrest thing well at all today. Derrick was home all day, and I should have been fine, but I am not. As soon as he left I had a major meltdown. Of course he lets the wet dogs in, and just leaves. I have to get them out, and when I called for help he freaks. I am very insecure right now about everything and he doesn't get that. He doesn't get anything. He can come and go as he pleases and I am stuck to the damn couch. I wonder if there is such a thing as antepartum depression. If there is I have it. I spent 45 minutes sobbing for no real reason. I have all of these fears, and I know they are totally irrational and stupid, but in my head they are very real. There is FD happening in this house, not because I don't want to but because we can't. It could cause more contractions. Great, so now I have a major fear that he will find someone else. I know how stupid it is, but it has happened to me before. Not with him, and I know I should not let my past bad relationships ruin this one. But the bottom line is once you have been burned it haunts you. I feel like an outsider in my own world. I have few friends that actually call or come to see me. Okay, I have two. Kimmy and Dez. They are the only ones that call or come over, well, Kimmy doesn't cause she lives 4 hours away. Other friends called when they found out and promised to come see me or call, and nada. If that is being a friend then I don't need it. So it is me and the cat for the most part. There is no one else around when Derrick is working, and when he works from home he is on the phone all the time. I just want to not feel so useless, worthless, guilty, etc. You name it and if it is negative I feel it. I know part of this is still me reeling from Gram. Oh and btw, my calf died. It was unnecessary and if we would have just left her on hay and her bucket she would be fine. But nope, we had to put her on the cow with mastitis and bad milk, oh and now she is gone. I am pretty pissed since I worked so hard to save her. She was mine. I am not supposed to be bitter about anything. Derrick just doesn't get it, all he ever says is "aren't you happy to be pg?" Well of course dumb fuck. But, there are other things that don't make me happy. I love what I do for a living, yes days off are nice, but 14 weeks with no babies and nothing to do but sit with my thumb up my ass, not fun. I miss my Gram. I feel like I am at the bottom of his list. I have gotten lower and lower the more pg I get. He has to get his fun outta his system before they are here. Great, I will just lay here and mope. That is all I am good for. I can't even write a productive paper. This is fine, but once I start something academic I get block. It sucks. This is rambling and I am totally aware of that. I don't care. I am tired of feeling like the ugly, fat, blob. That is what I feel like and there is nothing I can do about it. They tell you to get dressed and do your hair, but what in the hell is the point if I am just going to lay on the couch. At least tomorrow I get to go to the Dr. The highlight of me week. I got to ride along when we went to get the steer we had butchered, and I asked to go to the yummy Mexican place, but nope, he had to get home to go play cards. Fuck cards, fuck darts, fuck his buddies. I am sick of it. I am sick of being alone.

Back from CO

You would think I would be better about updating since all I have is free time, but nope. I am actually working on research for my AA lit paper. I am almost done and ready to start writing. That makes me happy. I am ready to get them all done before the babies are here.

We saw the perinatologist Monday in Denver. He is super nice and really there was no wishy washy bullshit, which I appreciate. After IF and having Dr.s and others tell you it could happen you know, when you know damn good and well it won't, I can't handle lots of bullshit. I want is straight, don't blow sunshine up my ass, tell me like it is, I am a big girl and can handle it, trust me, I am infertile, I can handle anything. Anyway, they looked at the babies, and they look amazing and are measuring big at 1 lbs 12 oz each. Thank you for the big baby gene Ma. Both have all their organs and everything looks fantastic they said. My cervix is still over 3 cm, which is good too. I have to have this rather uncomfy swab every two weeks now. It is fetal fibronectin and it is a very accurate indicator of labor if it is positive. It wasn't. It was like a pap smear with no speculum. Not comfy, and Derrick didn't care for that. Maybe it is good that these are section babies. He is not so good with me being in pain. He did say the chances of me going past 36 weeks are slim, less than 20%. Most twins go between 35-36. That means we deliver in Denver at PSL, which is fine with me. I am way more comfortable with that option at this point. They have an amazing NICU if we would need it. He did say that if he has to he will send the helicopter to get me. Ummm...I can do without that. As soon as the FFN is pos, I get to go to Mom's and stay. Derrick will call Tim and have him ready to fly as soon as I call. That means we will hit the hospital within a short time of each other.

The baby shower was awesome, I am not sure I am used to the attention being on me yet. It all feels surreal still. Derrick and I are going to go through stuff tonight, he wants to check it all out, and put the swing together. Then it has to stay in the babies room so our cat stays off it. The weather was crappy all weekend which made for an interesting drive out there and home. It was worse on the way out. Home wasn't so bad until about 45 miles from the house, then it got a little slick.

My mom is coming out this weekend to clean my house, YAY, make some stuff to put in the freezer, and keep me company. I want to get a dresser here by then so she can put baby clothes away...I have a ton. Derrick needs to get on a laundry mission. I am excited to have her here for a few days. So is Derrick, that means real food that he doesn't have to make. My mom is an amazing cook, it was inherited. Now we just need to get Walky out to finish the tile and we will be on a roll. I cannot wait for it all to get done and I will feel so much better.

Bummed and on bed rest

Bedrest is going to be the word for the rest of my pregnancy. I know it is for the best, I am just feeling guilty, sad, useless. I don't know. I feel like I should have been able to do this right, at least this. We did decide that we are not doing this again. Other than that, Derrick has been trying to be supportive and helpful around the house. Which is good, cause I have a hard time laying there and not doing anything. I feel guilty. My cervix hasn't changed and the contractions are only like 1 or 2 every hour or so. I even tried to weasel my way into working for the rest of December and that didn't work. I see the peri in Denver on Monday. Then I think my mom is coming out next weekend to clean for me and hang curtains and stuff. She also has the crib mattresses and we can get their mattresses put in and their nursery stuff up. I don't have a whole lot to say, I am pretty bummed.

Funny feelings of babies in my chest!

So pretty sure that either I have some serious gas...which is true actually, or I am having braxton hicks. I don't care for it no matter what the hell it is. My son, of course, is clear up in my right side pushing on my lungs. That was not comfy. He has since moved down and is not trying to suffocate me. I think his sister was trying to turn or something and forced him up there, or he just thought it was a good place to be. They are moving lots and I love that. It is really cool to just lay there and feel them. I love being pregnant, and I am not complaining about it. I am aware that my hips are going to hurt, so is my back, and there are going to be wierd things. I could do without the constipation, yes I still have it, and the gas. I talked to my mom, cause I was starting to really wonder what in the hell was happening. I don't think they are contractions, cause my whole tummy isn't hard, just up high or where one of them is pushing out hard. They don't hurt they just are uncomfortable. I don't want to call my OB but am going to in the morning. Mom and Derrick want me to call just to make sure. If she says no bus Saturday, I have not clue one what we are going to do about one acts. I am pretty nervous about it. Not that I want to spend four hours each way on the bus, but still this is kinda my thing. My kids have worked really hard at this so I want it to be good. I am off to lay back on the couch and watch a movie or fall asleep. I should have the paperwork covered here for the next few days, it is my desk at school that is a disaster.