Maybe gross, but I have to tell someone

The miscarriage started yesterday. Not pretty, lots of blood. I was very upset, and still am, but nothing unlike a regular cycle except a whole lot more blood. go figure. Then this morning at school of course, I go to the bathroom and start passing clots. The first one was the kind of ER and miscarriage, and the second was the one that made me lose it. It was the kind of clot that got sent to pathology if I would have been in the ER. I was definetly something. I lost it right there. I hate this. Yes I hate it. I just dealt with other forms of hate on my way home, but this is something that is entirely different. Of course this week is Baby think it over. They can't be in my room. I cannot handle it. And I don't think I should have to. I made my list of resentments last night. The first person I have to make amends to is myself. Most of the resentments were toward myself. Funny huh. I know most won't get it, but one of the best therapies is the 12 steps. I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic and I know them well. So it is time to start working them again. I am good through step 4. You can't move on until you complete one. So I am working on it. I ordered some meditation CD's today. I have to get my mind right, so I can be healthy. Mental health is a relative term. I decided to make peace with my demons. The betrayal of friends, the loss of part of myself as a result, my inability to trust, my hatred of that person. I have to put them to rest for good. I feel like I got a pretty good start on the way home. I said my resentments out loud, and asked myself for forgiveness. I asked myself to ask God for forgiveness. This is hard and I know it, but I have to do it. I will be better for it in the long run. So here I go off to make dinner and see what time my honey will be home!